Newly Divorced and Still miserable

Wow its been such a very long time since I've been on. I really missed sharing my thoughts , and perhaps unwelcome bits of wisdom. But, here goes. My marriage was a huge mistake to begin with. I knew I didn't love him, but was so happy that someone new wanted me to be their wife, I figured "hell why not, it may not happen ever again". So, 2 failed marriages, 2 kids, and 60 pounds heavier I truly regret ever believing that my life would be fulfilled once I became a wife and mother. I know children are a blessing, but it is the hardest, most consuming, and gut wrenching part of life. Raising children should not be taken lightly. I haven't the foggiest idea why teenage girls even attempt this feat. I should thank my mother for tolerating me and living a miserable existence for my sake, and the sake of the institution of marriage, but Jesus please make her a saint for having tolerated my father for over 50 years. Marriage with the right person is a beautiful thing. But, with the wrong person, is a torturous manifestation of pain and anguish. WHY?????? would a man propose to a woman he really doesn't know? My ex is a despicable, wretched creature, who slithered from the realm of Hades with the demons he calls his immediate family. How a loathsome creature can even exist is beyond me comprehension. Yet even lower is the mucus filled parasite they call divorce lawyers. Mine especially is simply ghastly. 2 miserable years in and out of court and nothing is complete. I pay Karma and all the misery they all have caused me comes back to haunt them 2 fold.

A prayer for my children

Today, I spent time with my kids. It was a long day. We school shopped, and stopped for snacks. Not until I got home did it occur to me, that my life was going to change. I was going to be less accessible to my kids. When I thought of my first day returning to work.  I was stricken with the fear of being away from the naughty little children that caused my blood to boil, my voice to shriek, my hands to tremble, and heart to pound faster for their safety. I worry every minute, and though they irritate the hell out me, I love my little nuggets. With the beautiful eyes, and amazing smiles. Their mischief seems minute compared to enormous guilt I'll feel from leaving them. I love my kids. I truly love my naughty, mischievous, smart as hell kids.

Mad at the world...Screw Marriage it's stupid.

Why is my life so damn screwed up? Why? Why can't my life be uncomplicated, happy and productive. I am unhappily, no miserable in this Godforsaken marriage. My kids get on my last nerve.  Their medical providers are a bunch of assholes, my new job is run by incompetent idiots. I am flat broke, and miserable. My husband is a selfish lying, cheating scumbag, that I truly wish would put me out of my misery. I am so damn fed up with all this freaking sadness. For those contemplating marriage... Don't fucking do it. It's a fucking waste of time. It's slavery and bondage at its worst. It is institutionalized torture. I have no idea why the gays are fighting to legally make themselves as miserable as the straights. You're fighting to be stuck with some asshole that will change within months if not minutes of saying I do. And someone tell me why on earth are kids so GD annoying? I can not, piss, eat, shower, nor use the damn phone without whining, screaming, and fighting going on, or constant complaining. Omg what the fuck did I get myself into with this marriage bullsh**????  after the excitement of the engagement, the pomp and circumstance, the theatrics!!!! It's over!!!! Everything is downhill from there. Look at poor Sheri Shepherd 2X she got screwed. Ellen Degeneras marriage is in the damn bottle. JayZ and Beyoncé are on their last leg. I mean wTF is the point? As for me.... I live with regrets every damn day. I feel so bad for my kids that I married their douchebag father, and had them. One day, I will apologize for the mistakes I made. But for now, to the world, and my husband, and the kids hospital, and everyone that makes my life awful... FUCK YOU!!!!!

There's more to life than marriage

Today, I came to another revelation that there's more to life than my miserable marriage. There's more to life than constantly feeling sorry for myself. There's more to life than realizing a man doesn't love you. That man can move forward and not blink an eyelash, where as we remained trapped in a cosmic hell. A hell that centers on the loss of love, respect or communication. I don't want to be held hostage by it anymore. God's been good to me even when I gave up on myself. My marriage is a failure, but I'm not.

I saw the evidence he cheated

I found condoms and lube inhis car. I was shocked. I was hurt (at first). I cried the first day. But aftera couple of hours I was done. I had suspected for years. I'd find  condoms hidden around the house and I'd make excuses that we used condoms in the past as a form of birth control, so I'd count condoms to see how many came up missing. But then I thought about all the beautiful women that had been cheated on. Halley Berry, Hillary Clinton, Maria Schwieiver, Vanessa Bryant (Kobe's wife), Evelyn Lozada ( I don't think she's pretty, but her marriage was a train wreck). The point is I'm 30lbs over weight. I'm miserable, hate sex with him ( omg he's awful in bed, on top of him being ugly as hell). I know I look like honey booboo's mother with a neck, but damn it I have a choice. I got over it after 2 days of sulking. I didn't confront him about it. What would be the point? He'd either deny it, confess, become belligerent, become abusive, become violent for looking through his car, but would not end it simply because I knew. So, every night I watch him leave to wander off to his mistresses houses. Listen while he chats to his ex-girlfriend. Watch him as he checks my call log on the home phone. Go without a penny for months, unable to repair my car. And I wonder when God will punish him for the hurt and pain he's inflicted? But then I think, why women as great as my mom are going blind, suffer to work, and do so much for an ungrateful family, and live a very lonely existence. Either way, wicked men have had women suffer for years. So, I called my sister(the yutz that introduced me to this douchebag in the first place). She gave me awful advice. I called a chick I thought was a friend but simply told me God will help him. Then my practical friend that essentially said: C'mon! Cry? For what? Has he treated you like he gives a damn about you? Has he ever shown you an ounce of respect? So why does him cheating come as a surprise to add to the mountain of abusive, condescending, and cruel things he's done to you. So, don't even bother shedding another tear for a cruel son of a bitch! Anyway, ladies abuse and cruelty, affairs go hand in hand.  Get a divorce.

Talk to God in my head

Mid night, another potty run for the kids, another lonely bed, another day to wish I could find a home of my own and get away from it all. Midnight and I am exhausted and anxious yet I know I will be treated poorly everyday until I leave. His brother in law told me I have no goals. Lol!!! I've waited patiently for nearly 10 years to achieve my goal. Happy birthday to me? Fuck this.

I'm failing at life...

I woke up this morning in tears, hurt, frustrated, angry, and literally fed up. This was the worst Easter Season I'd ever experienced. I didn't follow through on what I'd decided to give up. My 3 year old has now become the baine of my existence. My marriage is a complete disaster, and I am begging God to help me find a way out of it without losing my sanity because my esteem, dignity, and any self worth has been shot to hell. I am miserable. Who invented this stupid institution? Why make someone miserable forever? I despise my spouse and nearly everyone around me. I hate myself for allowing this to be my current standard of life. TE I hate you!!!! I hate you!!!!!!