The white women treat their men better myth

Sadly, I watch way too much TV.  I was watching an episode of the  dramady "The Game" on BET.  I love each character on the show.  They all seem like many of the shallow individuals I grew up with in Los Angeles.  So, in this episode Tasha Mack/Single MAMA/Momager to star QB Malik Wright/ lonely woman turns to Kelley her assistant/ stereotypical athlete's wife/white girl married to black man/ docile wife that gives in to everything.  Anyway, the conversation begins when tasha is confronted with dealing with her demons of being the finger snapping, trash talking in your face, chip on her shoulder black woman that many americans tend to label all black women.  Tasha goes to Kelley and asks her how she does it.  How does she tolerate Jason's bull****?  How does she make her man feel more important than he is.  I thought about that for a moment.  Is that true, are white women really these marriage or relationship miracle workers that somehow learn to manage their men into believing they are a top priority?  Is that also true for asian women? What about African women who are supposed to be submissive to their husbands, and let's not forget middle eastern women.  What about them?  Do women of these varying backgrounds truly buy into this crap about putting their marriage, or husbands first?  Do you fall into that white woman myth?

Publisher's clearing house advertising on Oprah

So, today I'm watching Oprah and am watching her show about millionares that have won their money through publisher's clearing house.  Like many of you out there, i'm sure you were also skeptical about the legitimacy of the company.  I never believed those commericals were real.  but now that they've essentially advertised on Oprah to show they are real.  Guess how many millions of housewives are now going to send in their applications subscriptions to Publisher's you know I will.  in this economy.  I'm just as desperate as the next man, but sadly here's my dilemma.  If I were to win the money from Publisher's I'd have to share my winnings with my A-hole of a spouse.  And yes its the law.  Would I be richer, yes, so it shouldn't matter  that I'd have to share the money.  He'd still have to pay child support.  But, I'd be happily away from him and his millions and I would be in the carribean with mine.  Ok maybe not the carribean, but some where nice with my kids.  So, here's my question to anyone out there that wants to answer.  If you were in a miserable marriage and suddenly won millions of dollars, and realized you'd have to share your winning with your jackass of a spouse, would you
A. Share your winnings and happily divorce them and be glad you have enough to sustain yourself
B. Fight them for every penny in court, until you've bled them dry
C. Stay married, and hope your spouse doesn't pull a tiger woods
D. Find another alternative (please nothing drastic, I'm trying to keep this at least PG 13)

Here are my thoughts,  I have a spouse who as we speak has already announced that within the week I give birth to our next child he'll be off to a weekend in Vegas with his highschool buddies.  I'm like you've got to be kidding me.  But if i were suddenly rich, I would simply split the money, mediate other terms with a lawyer and be on my way.  Its not worth the grief to fight with an A-hole.  but i must admit it would be wishful thinking because this is the same a-hole that offered me $500 a month to take of a child when he makes a significant 6 figure income of course he learned in court you have to go by what your income and the percentage for child support by law dictates you pay should would I truly believe this jerk should pay me what's appropriate?  God always works in miraclous ways.  Why am I even thinking about winning publisher's clearinghouse and the lottery?  Because I need the money, and i know I would give back.  I already have a list of people I would give things to.  Anyway, share your thoughts if interested.
B.

The crying game...And I don't mean the movie

Crying has become a daily affair for me.  I cry from frustration with my marriage.  I cry from regret for having gotten married to such a horrible person.  I cry that my family isn't here to support me.  I cry from resentment toward my family for forcing me into this horrid marriage.  I cry because my husband is the biggest jerk in the world.  I cry because I don't feel loved by anyone.  I cry because my one year old doesn't give me 5 minutes to myself to just read, or cry alone, or just pray. I cry because my daughter doesn't deserve to be in a home without love. I cry because I wish I had money to put my daughter in daycare and look for work. I cry because my jerk of a spouse who prides himself in being the primary bread winner won't buy my daughter a new car seat.  I cry because it has taken me 2 hours just to type this blog while chasing my daughter all over the computer room, putting papers back that she's thrown all over the place, the trash she's over turned 3 times.  taken her to the bathroom twice to wash her hands, put her back in the chair, taken her for a walk around the hotel, since my jerk of a husband has refused to allow me to go anywhere with the car while he sleeps in the room, and we are couped up here simply because I wanted to try stop this jerk from pulling a tiger woods and cheating while out of town. So, we came with him.  OMG!!!!! what has my life turned into.  Am I the only woman in the world that is going through this?  Why can't this man that pleaded and begged me to take him back treat me with one iota of kindness and respect?  Why is it so difficult to just be nice to me.  For god sakes he is nice to his baby mama, why not me?  WTF!!!!!  I don't deserve this.  I am so sick of crying and feeling miserable. And the worst part is counseling hasn't helped one bit.  I have to find money i don't have pay a woman that doses off during my sessions, then tells me I'm not going to tell you what to do, then I'm left where I started in the first place.  i h\just don't get it.  Or maybe its just more simple than i want to think.  Let me keep it simple.  The bastard is cheating and really doesn't give a rat's ass about me.  I seem not to be able to face reality because I keep praying and hoping things will change.  So here's my wake up call.  I can't keep being disrespected.  i can't keep going through the pain.  I am tired of it.   

Parenthood and marriage & THE WORLD' STRICTEST PARENTS

Throughout history many couples have been able to manage parenthood and marriage harmoniously.  What's their secret?  Is it a magic wand that casts a spell over the home to bring peace, love, fairness, and justice into what is their family?  Or can be setting standards and  developing rules and guidleines of respect for one another in the home?  I've always envisioned harmony and a united front.  I've watched the TV show on CMT called World's Strictest Parents.  Its sort of Nanny 911 with butt kicking boots for teenagers.  Here's what I like and dislike.  I love the idea that they show families that are unitied in the common goal to guide their children towards being respectful responsible men and women.  I love the fact that they show families that still function.  What I don't get is taking an obnoxious teenager from their dysfunctional home for a period of about 2 weeks, settling them into routines, rules, restrictions, and essentially getting them on a path to stability, and then suddenly bringing their biological parents out to see their progress and then send them right back into the dysfunctional environment from whence they came.  What is the purpose of that?  I believe those kids and their parents need more time to live in a guided and perhaps restricted environment and also give their parents the resources and tools needed to handle their teens upon their return home.  

Tips: Work with your partner or fellow parent ( if you're not married) to come up with some agreements as to how your child will be raised. Discuss school, birthdays, holidays, gifts, TV time, etc.  So, work together, and embrace parenthood, and your relationships will bloom and blossom. 

How to change your husband by Friday...the Book..Can this really work?

Hello again,

Its been quite some time since I last posted. So, I bought the book, Have A New Husband By Friday written by Dr. Kevin Leman. I'm only on page 29 so I can't really share anything I've gained from it thus far. I'm sure you're wondering, you had to get a self help book? If its gotten to that point your case is hopeless... Maybe, maybe not. Have you heard the saying nothings too hard for God? Well, I was in the Christian Life Book Store this morning searching for a book and there it was. I'd heard this guy being interviewed on "Good Morning America" and I thought it was a great book title but to wasn't too convinced it could work. But I figured why not, I came in for something else, and perhaps God was steering me a different way. So, am I hoping it works? Heck yes! But here's my question to anyone that wants to answer. Have you reached the point in your relationship where you're making a last ditch effort to salvage the damage? Do you think you can change your spouse, or it is yo?

OMG did his ex just call me?

So, here is the scoop. Last night my spouse's ex calls me on my new home phone number. I am like are you fucking kidding me? This chick has the balls to call me at home, on a new number I just got 2 days ago. Claiming I gave her the number on an email, then trying to say she found it online. WTF!!!!! Again, are you kidding me? My husband may be screwing this chick but to give the bitch my number to call me at home????? WTF????? OMG!!!! I am beside myself.

Ok so, here's how it all went down. She calls me at home, calls me by my fisrt name like she knows me, then proceeds to try to have some woman to woman talk with me. I'm like look here lady. You're single and young, and you are home on a saturday night calling your ex boyfriend's wife at midnight instead of going out and finding something to do with your life? Why are you calling me? What do you want? She basically had nothing to say. I'm calling my spouse, and does the jackass answer his phone? No. He ignores my calls as I'm trying to put him on 3 way to hear the entire conversation. Then when I do talk to him he claims she says I'm on some website tarnishing her name. WTF!!!! I have no idea who this chick is. I don't know her from adamn pun intended...I am besides my self. Hell now I need some tips because I can't believe my spouse gave her my number to call me.

IF you think they are cheating the likely hood is....

So, I've been through this before in a previous relationship. Do I think I attract men that cheat? No. Do I think I may be the cause of their cheating ? Possibly. Why do I think that? Well, I have to take some accountibility for why my mate would stray. Do I truly care? Um, not really. Would I rather my mate wasn't cheating? Of course, but at the point we're in our relationship, I'm more disappointed they'd need to lie to me, than the fact they're actually seeking attention or affection elsewhere. I wish I had it in me to cheat, but frankly, I really don't think there's a man sexy enough , fun enough, or discrete enough to cheat with. I'm no supermodel, but I do believe I'm attractive, and I don't know if its child birth, or what that gives me a lack of interest in sexual activity. Oh don't get me wrong. We have sex regularly, but to be honest, I know I'm going through the motions a. to reproduce and have offspring b. to shut him up. Its truly sad. I am not remotely attracted to my mate at all. In fact I find him utterly repulsive. But, I will not repeat my prior mistakes of believing because I think he's sexually unappealing, that other women find him ugly too. Oh no, he seems to believe and has relayed to me that other women find him appealing. Ok good for him. Here's the thing...
TIP: You can't really stop someone from straying outside of your relationship. In fact the more you try to prevent it the more likely it is to happen. The best you can do is try to make the person feel desired by you so they are less likely to look elsewhere. Plain and simple.

In Laws Why is it always the same story they always SUCK!!!

INLAWS suck no matter what culture, race, gender. In-laws really freaking suck. WHY is it always the same story? Well, I have some idea. 2 people from completely different backgrounds, often different cities, different up bringings, different values get together , and the clash ensues. In my case my spouse has this awkward attachment to his mother and sister. I think it is so weird. He speaks to his sister first thing in the morning, they speak at least 10 times a day, and no I'm not exaggerating. I've counted almost 22 calls between he and sister on Valentine's Day. I pray its not a Mckenzie and papa Phillips thing, but in this day and age hell you never know. But, I come from a different background. I love my parents but I never felt the need to tell them every move I make, or share everything about my personal life. In fact they really don't want to know what happens in our marriage. They don't want to interfere. But, His family doesn't see it that way. They want to know what we argue about. At one point his mother moved in a month after we got married. I mean WTF!!!! I couldn't believe what was happening. His sister would pop up with her kids, and then leave them at our house for hours, claiming they were simply visiting us. I'm very private, and enjoy my privacy, and when my spouse and I were dating we spent alot of time alone, and suddenly its like I'm married to the mob, and his sister is John Giotti. If I don't do what she says, she wants me sleeping with the fishes. I mean this bitch went out of her way to instigate alot of problems in our marriage. Well, after the divorce was taken out of court I haven't seen her ugly mug in a long time. His mother thankfully moved out, and the only issue I had was having to listen to them gossip and bad mouth me constantly over the phone. Here's a great lesson I learned from all this.

TIP: though I can't stand my in laws, and i know how frighteningly treacherous my sister in law can be, I know it would have been easier to smile, and tell little white lies. The key to dealing with in laws is fake it. Smile all the time, suck it up. Many times they want to test their limits with you, just as kids do. There's always a good way to handle it. 1. Stay away from them and their drama. Stay so busy they haven't the time to get all inyour business. 2. Shower them with compliments. Always commend them for whatever minute thing you can compliment them on. Pretend its like having a job that you have to brown nose for. The more you suck up the more you get. Not just from your spouse, but you'll notice your psycho inlaws may lay off more.

Greenbay Packers, Vikings, and is it ok for Favre to cheat on his old team?

So the score is 7-7 Vikings and Greenbay. I'm imprisioned by the game thanks to my spouse. But, here's the thing that crossed my mind. Brett was practically married to the Packers for almost 20 years. And then rather than being the widower and letting his career die gracefully, no he off and divorces the team, and wanders on to another woman. That woman being the Jets. That relationship didn't work out, so he starts sleeping with the Vikings. Ok so why this poor analogy? Why I think about relationships that go arye after so many good years together. You think everything is solid, and functional and suddenly without warning.

Here's the deal. Not even a year into my new marriage, I wanted out because it was just so dysfunctional. I was unbelieveably unhappy and crying daily, and to make matters worse , my spouse was mentally, physically, and emotional cruel and completely detached from our relationship. I'm like what the hell? Not like I didn't see it coming, you do realize like I'd mentioned before the passionless proposal. But, now living with him made me realized how much I really wasn't ready for marriage with the wrong guy. Maybe I'd been a bit unrealistic looking at other marriages thinking they were perfect and they resolved their problems easily, and everything had a Heathcliff and Clare Huxable ending. No my dear. That's not reality. Not all your problems are solved in 30 minutes. It should come as not surprise when a marriage falls apart, because things are always brewing. Relationships are always transparent. Both parties always know and sense whats going on. At some point someone gives away their genuine feelings about the other.

Well, we went through divorce proceedings, I mean made several court hearings, motions after motions. He moved out, more like forced out, it just got so ugly that it seemed like no point of return. But here we are still married. Why???? Just like Brett Favre the price was right. As in its cheaper to keep her. Basically why fight when you can keep the woman without the fuss, cost, and grief. Do I think he loves me? PFFF!!!! Hell no, but I tolerate him, and he me.
Tip:
Marriage takes alot of work. And some cases it takes alot of money. If you want to keep your money, and spare yourself some grief and heart ache, keep your mouth shut. Many relationships would go really far if they just didn't say things to try to hurt each other. Whats the point? Lets say, you're just not into the relationship anymore, then why argue. What could they possibly say to get under your skin if you just don't care about them anyway. Now, if you do care about your spouse, lets stop and think about what it is we say to hurt them as they hurt you. Ladies ever notice after a huge fight guys tend to act like nothing ever happened, and that pisses us off even more, and then we fight more because they didn't ackowledge our feelings? Well, get over it. Keep your mouth shut. Look let me put it to you like this. Its much easier to let it go, than to harp on it. Guys if you know you're wife is upset, seriously don't act like her feelings mean nothing to you. Simply apologize and tell her how much her feelings mean to you, and trust me it will be over. Do a nice gesture to show you're sincere and its over very quickly.

Cultural Marriages in America how does it work here?

I know many of you may wonder, What do you mean by Cultural marriages in America how does it work here? Ok let's take a moment to think about. Not all marriages are the same. Many of us tend to not repeat our parents marriages, or in some cases use our parents marriage as a model we'd like to follow, but in many cultures what's the marriage norm. How do they function? I've heard many African, Asian, and LAtin American women say they are the subordinate in their marriages, and must consede to their spouse's demands. I've also heard them claim there is no equity in their relationships. They have seen their parents function this way, and have been trained to repeat the cycle. But how does that work here in the US? How do traditional marriages work in a country that encourages freedoms and equity for women? I know it may be a generalization I make, and there may be many many cultural marriages that function like any other marriage, but are they healthy marriages? Do husband and wife communicate freely? Do husband and wife feel safe to share their desires with their mate? And I am not speaking of interracial marriages where one spouse is caucasian, or African American , or whatever, the combination may be. I'd really like to know because I just have very many tips for this question.

Wedding PLanning OMG!!!! WTF!!!!s

Weddings are never easy to prepare for. It takes an emotion and financial toll on all involved. In may cases it can be the beginning of the deteroration of your relationship. You learn how much your in laws like or hate you , you learn how involved your mate will be in big decisions or how passive they'll be. you learn a whole lot from your wedding planning.

Do not wait till the last minute to do anything.
Don't expect perfection, something is bound to go wrong.
NO MATTER WHAT promise yourself to keep smiling on the big day.
Don't let your in laws, nor your parents dicate what will make you and your partner happy (ITS NOT THEIR DAY ITS YOURS)
Make solid plans for your future with your spouse. Life does not end at the wedding remember you are stuck with this person forever, especially if you have kids.

PLEASE PLEASE Make sure you establish agreements not just on the financing for the wedding but for joint accounts, mortgage payments, college student loans, rent, car payments, car or home insurance, life insurance, credit cards, any prior debt either of you have.

You will be amased at the number of couples that never really take the time to address these simple issues.

Kids are a big issue, address and come to agreements about them before you marry. I saw the most interesting thing today on the view. Lisa Ling who by the way was fired by Barbera Walters several years ago returned to guest host, and announced that her 2 year marriage was plagued by the issue of kids. Ok, um WTF???!!! As smart as she is you mean to tell me she married a goregeous guy, and they never discussed kids???? WTF???? Are you kidding me. I thought only reality TV and fake bachelor reality show contestants forget to address the issue of kids. So, anyway, Lisa Ling states she's not sure she's ready for kids, and her husband wants kids. Ok, lets take a brad pitt moment to think this through. You see brad had hot piece of a$$ jennifer aniston, they seemed happy, but Brad wanted kids. Jennifer wanted to focus on her career, in comes another hot piece of a$$ Angelina Jolie with her United Colors of beneton kids, and blammm just like that there are now 3 jolie-pitt children, and one very lonely very single about to date a david spade jennifer aniston. Guess they should have had the I want kids talk while they were smoking their weed before the wedding. The point is, there are many wedding planning WTF and OMG during the process of planning the nuptials. Make sure you've really planned and thought this thing thru. And ladies get help. A wedding coordinator can be a gift you request at the bridal shower. Trust me you'll need one.

Stay at home mom blues

So, its another long day in the kingdom of MOM. I have a toddler that seems to crave my attention the minute they see me. I have no problem with providing or garnering my attention to my child, but the minute I do, they don't want to be bothered. I just don't get it. The minute I'm trying to do laundry, cook, clean, vacuum, change the sheets, shower, eat, or do anything besides play or pay attention to my toddler, its screams, tantrums, and waterworks. But the very moment I stop what I'm doing, they pull away from me, want to be put down, slap at my face to get away, and I have no clue what to do next.

I have tried all sorts of things, but the reality is kids will be kids.

Tip: I watched an episode of Oprah, UGH yes, I admit I am one of those Oprah watching moms. Its not a daily affair, but I happen to catch an episode focused on moms, and all the guilt free confessions they wanted to make on Oprah. I was floored by the things I heard. Frankly, I would never openly admit some of the things I heard these women make, but I couldn't fault them because it was simply their truth. Their means of freely expressing their regrets. One parent admitted she once hadn't bathed her 3 children for more than a month. Another, admitting to wearing her child's pull ups on a road trip to prevent from stopping for restroom break. Another woman admitted the sight of her child annoyed her for the first 2 months of that child's life. Another mother stated she cried everyday for 3 years with regrets of having become a parent in the first place. I mean I was floored. By no mens am I a goody 2 shoes. I've had my share of mishaps when it comes to child rearing, but here is the bottom line...

You are first and foremost human. You deserve to give yourself a break. You can't do it all. I have to teach myself this everyday. I can only do my best. There is no such thing as the perfect parent and as much as I would like to be a combination of clare huxable& june cleaver, I realize I'm going to have my Marge simpson, and peggy from Married With Children days, or moments. Once my child is old enough to go to school, I'll be able to go back to work, and stop having to rely on my spouse for money to do what I need to do.

The day I realized I may be making a mistake

Before I begin complaining about all the woes I've endured throughout my experiences, I'd like to say welcome. This blog isn't just for me but for others that need an arena to vent their frustration, share some tips on how to overcome them, and realize they aren't alone.

I'll share my tales of how I got to where I am today, and what I wish I would have done to overcome, or simply handle it better. The reality is no one is perfect. We make mistakes, we get upset, say things we don't mean, shut out those we love, or worse share our woes with people who simply don't have our best interest at heart, take out our anger on those we love, or sometimes keep them bottled in until one day we either implode or worse explode.

So here's my story. I've been married now about 2 years but getting here has been turbulant. The day my husband proposed wasn't very romantic. During one of my many visits to see him, we were doing the whole long distance relationship thing, which worked for me at the time, but he wanted more. He wanted to see me more, spend more time together, and I had eno intention of moving without a ring on my finger, well, not too long after we started dating he proposed. And ladies you know that time between 29 and 30, you hear your clock ticking, your mother complaining she wants you to get married, your aunts calling with new geeked out suiters, your best friends on their 2nd child and third pregnancy, and the sounds of your phone ringing with your own choosen prospects diminishing? You know that age? Well, thats where I was, and I figured this guy is awesome on paper. A doctor, his own house, 2 luxury cars, good income, hard working, seems normal, doesn't seem to party, doesn't seem to womanize, attractive enough. So, this seemed like a decent catch under the curcumstances, but the proposal was so weak. I should have really made more out of it but I was desperate to marry, so I did what any self respect catholic woman would do. I said yes. UGH!!!! the regrets, I still have stomach aches about to this day. The proposal was at the fridge in the morning before he went to work. I was so thrown by the beauty of the 1.7 carat ring I forgot I didn't know this guy as well I'd always told myself I'd wait before accepting a proposal. I screamed yes, and off he went to work. Nothing exciting. But the months of wedding preparation, and change of behavior that followed wasn't all worth it.

So, here are my tips of wisdom.
The key is to WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!! Plain and simple just . Unless you have been in a long term relationship that's spanned 3 years or more, and you are well established financially, do not hurry into anything you may not be ready for. These days marriages don't always pan out, and these aren't the times of our parents where we stuck with our mates no matter what. Couples of yesteryear were different. They were more tolerate, accepting, and peaceful. They truly understood the value of family. And there was no internet online cheating, people of loose morals to sway you from your family, etc. We on the other hand are a completely different generation of women and men, that may want more from our mate. I'll be honest our expectations are often unrealistic. Just because he looks good on paper doesn't make him a good mate for you, or vise versa. Money does not make a good mate, and lack there of often creates problems we aren't always ready for. Let me use a very modern day example.

JON & KATE from Jon and Kate plus 8. These are 2 people who were mismatched from the very beginning. Jon a passive agressive with a wandering eye, hooks a shrud, often overbearing woman that wants her way. Well, she wats marriage and a family, and he ends up with 8 kids he was never really ready for, nor really wanted to begin with.

Both these people have no real way to support 8 children, and Kate should have seen her overbearing nature was driving Jon to seek comfort and love elsewhere. Should they have stopped to really look at themselves before they said I do? Absolutely, but now they have 8 children with no real means aside from television to support or care for these kids. The "reality" is they were never really right for each other to begin with and much like me, should have realized the mistake they were making from the very day Jon proposed. Post your thoughts on proposals that should have been pro no-nos.