sleepless nights, painful days, and a toddler

Do you ever wonder when there will be a good day?  I have been in a miserable marriage for several years now, and have been blessed with 2 beautiful, and adorable children.  My toddler is absolutely gorgeous, and not saying it because I am the mother, but incredibly its true.  I honestly, don't believe I've met a better looking child in my life.  My second child is absoluely the cuddlest most adorable child in history.  But, cue the villan music, my toddler is driving me up the wall. My toddler wakes up screaming, throws tantrums every waking second, says no to everything, throws things, won't eat, won't nap when told to, won't listen to instructions, and I know this sounds like the typical 2 year old, but what compounds to my toddler woes is the great divide between my spouse and I.  I mentioned already I was in a miserable marriage.  I can't tell you how much I simply dislike my spouse.  I mean he is quite honestly the biggest shithead known to man.  He has absolutely no manners, does and says what he pleases to me at any given time. and makes it worse he tell my child to do the absolute opposite of what I tell my toddler to do.  What made it worse was when his drug addict teenage daughter from another relationship suddenly showed up one day.  I was livid.  I wasn't told she would be moving here nor was I told the reason for the presence in my home.  But to add insult to injury the shithead then has the nerve to ask me if I can pick up his lazy, good for nothing teenager from school.  Keep in mind she was expelled from her last school for drug possession and her mother felt it in her best interest to Move out of state and to our home.  What pisses me off more is that this shit head has oustanding medical bills for my kids, but paid $800 for a plane ticket for his even bigger shit head teenager to come here for a week.  Yes, I said a week.  You the imbecile I'm married to has been doing this ping-pong bullshit with his babymama for 17years.  His daughter gets in trouble her mom sends her away, the brat throw a tantrum, and the babymama asks for her back.  That was fine when he was single but not when he has a wife and kids.  Not only does this dumb ass think it ok to continue doing this stupidshit, but he willingly offered to drive his babymama and his shithead teenager to their hotel.  But I can't get a ride home when I was stranded.  Yesterday he bought a brand new flat screen TV, but when the EMS people called him about the final notice on an outstanding bill, he completely ignored it and told me he doesn't have the money but he walks into the house this morning with $200 worth of groceries we didn't need.  I mean stupid things, like 10 bags of hawaiian bread sold at Walmart for $4.89 a piece.  and guava juice.  There's more, but if I were to list out the items purchased you'd realize he doesn't shop for the family he shops for himself.  Anyway, back to the story about the rotten teenager.  His daughter has the nerve to feel its unjustifiable that we punish her while here. Throws several fits and then says to us that we aren't on the same page, and its hard to know who to listen to.  Well, guess what.  The first day she was in my house, I told her she needed to change her clothing because she was not going tot school looking like a street walker.  Her clothes were far too tight, and she looked like a cheap mess.  But the shit head comes home and asks why she's so dressed up.  I tell him in comparison to what she had on it was an improvement.  Then when I get her up at 6AM, this brat has the nerve to ask why she's been woken up so early?  I'm dumbfounded as to why this hoodrat thats here with a criminal record feel she is entitled to tell me when she should get up, etc.  I mean I am flabbergasted.  The nerve, and this dime store hooker to think she can come into my home and turn my life even more loose than it already was.  My toddler takes all this in and behaves even worse because she sees that her sister is allowed to do as she pleases.  And her father has no respect for what it is I say.  So, as before but 50 times worse, she acts a plum fool everywhere we go.  I have tried spanking, I have tried yelling, I have tried time out, and I have tried crying, and frankly nothing is working.  I'm praying she'll grwo out of it, but I am tired of waiting for things to improve.  My next step is super nanny.  But, that won't change the fact that I am still married to a shithead.  By the way, I apologize for all the profanity used today, but I am so frustrated with all that has gone on, and the fact I have no control over my life.  I simply can't muster any positive or appropriate words to use to describe the horrible people in my life. 

Surviving a 2 year old and a miserable marriage

I now have two children under the age of 5, and a spouse whom isn't as much of an a-hole as he used to be but in comparison to most decent christian men, he still ranks up there on the list of biggest a-hole in the world.  As I lay here next to my active 2 year old who seems to be bouncing of walls as I type, I ind myself completely from finding other ways to keep my mind occupied and off the fact that my husband is a dispicable human being.  This is how my day goes.  I offically rise at 6:00Am to yet again change diapers, start a warm bowl of oatmeal for a picky 2 year old that will fight me tooth and nail to eat a meal.  Warm up a bottle of formula, start scrabbling some eggs before my spouse gets home.  put water on the pot for coffee.  Run upstairs to feed the infant, run back down stair with baby to feed the 2year old.  Turn on Sid the Science Kid while trying to feed the 2 year old with one hand as fast as I can before her father walks in the door to undermine my efforts and tell her its ok not to eat her breakfast is she doesn't feel like it. Which means she won't want anything to eat until about 12 noon. Place scrambled eggs on the plate, some hawaiian bread on the plate, a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee.  As my spouse walks in my excited daughter yells "Good morning daddy" and my efforts to get her to eat at that point has gone straight to hell.  As I now turn my attentions to my infant, I realize I have 2 frying pans, and dirty dishes to wash, and my now excited 2 year old has now spilled milk on the floor.  As I go lay my infant down so I can clean up the mess thats been made, I hear the commander and chief ( of this house) bark orders for the remote control, and an order of what he'd like prepared for dinner.  He then answers a phone call from his sister, or his baby mama it depends on which woman he feels needs to occupy his time, that he'd already spoken to on his way home, then after watching ESPN for about an hour he falls asleep snoring, and farting on the couch.  All the while, I'm trying to prevent the 2 year old from reeking havoc on my house, and on her infant sibling.  OK so after spending an hour washing dishes, cleaning the counter, sweeping the floor, and dusting the dirt from living room area, I realize the time is now 9:30.  I have the toddler watch her favorite show, which is seseme street. 

A 2 year old and a 2 month old

So, I have since delivered a new child. Celebrated my toddler's 2nd birthday successfully, and did a phenomenal job of tolerating my husband's teeenage daughter, while balancing my newly enlarged family.  Its been alot for me to take in.  I have heard so many women of yester year suggest that women are the backbone of the family, and they hold the family together, but what happens when you don't want to?  What happens when you realize your husband is a lying son of a bitch and you have given up a large part of who you are, and sacrificed for the person you hate the most. ....wait I'll finish this when he leaves the room.

Tips for the wise .... never ever date a guy with kids & never ever marry a guy with kids

So, this morning started out ok, but the obnoxious women in omy spouse's life really make it hard to deal with its impact on our marriage.  His mom calls every 2 hours, to talk about ....I haven't got the slightest idea.  Then there's his sister whom he and she call perpetually throughout the day to discuss everything in their lives, then there's the babymama.  UGH, how do I describe this relationship?  There's a lingering persistence and an annoyance, and the painful sense that this woman hold more respect from him than I do. They plan his daughter's arrival, and her future which involves her being here with me and my children, and I have no say so as to how this will impact our lives.  Are all guys like this?  Probably not, but one runs the risk of dealing with this sort of problem when they involve themselves with a man that had kids prior to the marriage.  And unless he's a widow, you sadly are stuck with that other woman, his former lover being a part of his life forever. What's even worse is my spouse has maintained a friendship with each of his ex girlfriends.  I have made it clear how much I disapprove but he just hides his deceit with passwords on cell accounts, and bank accounts.  He actually still has a bank account with his babymama, where he and I don't have that.  My 2nd child is due in 2 days and the way things have been going, I don't really know how much longer this relationship will last because, there's no trust, and he doesn't respect me as his wife.  Have I mentioned how much I resent me, and hate myself for making the mistake of ever having been involved with him?  

How to cope with step children...Some tips and a true story

So this morning I overhear my spouse speaking to someone laughing and carrying on.  Then he calls his sister to give the witch an update on his bastard's (the child he had out of wedlock with someone else) travel plans.  So as I stand there preparing our toddler's breakfast trying to pretend not to have heard anything I am very bothered by the fact that he would make plans to have his child here for 2 months, during the period that I will be having our second child, and without family present to help me cope.  So, I'm baffled by all what is happening.  I am supposed to be the person he shares this sort of information with even talking to me about  their arrival and their plans for the summer, but no thats not the case.  So, I inquire to him why he made no mention to me of her arrival or departure, or which dates would be best suited considering I'll be giving birth, and it may be a bit challenging to have her here during that period.  He scolds me and tells me I have no right  to dictate to him what happens with his daughter.  So, I keep quiet but angry with myself for dating a man with a kid.  For some strange reason, men with children have not only a responsiblity to that child they had, but this unbroken attachment to the woman they had that child with.  Thats something I never wanted to be a part of .  I'd watched other women go through the painful process of dealing with men with children out of wedlock, and frankly it often created turmoil in their marriage, or simply broke them up.  I have 2 children with this guy.  I keep trying to figure out how to cope with certain situations when they arise.  So, I found this article of helpful tips.  But my situation isn't one that allows for an open line with my spouse about his daughter in our home. My mom will be here and I worry about how thing will play out.  I pray God helps me. 

Dealing with step-children is not a clear-cut process that you can establish easily. Your relationship with your spouse plays a direct role in determining how you will deal with the step-children. While every situation will be different, here are some basic steps on how to deal with step-children.


Talk with your spouse about rules, structure and discipline. You have to present a unified front on these issues with a list of house rules that are in effect no matter what
Step 2
Let your spouse deal with discipline at first. You have to establish yourself in the step-children's lives before you can discipline them effectively.
Step 3
Be patient. This will take time and patience.
Step 4
Provide love, stability and safety. All families should give this to children, but step-children have already been through the destruction of one family, so they have some very justifiable doubts to overcome.
Step 5
Build trust with your step-children by doing as you say.


Tips & Warnings


There is no such thing as a freeze-dried dad or an instant mom. Expecting this from yourself is unrealistic.You are not a "rent-a-cop" parent. You are the real deal.Be open to the idea of professional counseling to help you, your spouse and your step-children adjust to the new facts of life.Beware a spouse that cuts you down in front of the step-children. The children quickly learn that you are not to be respected.Don't rip on the birth parents, even if they deserve it. Don't participate even if the step-children themselves rip on their birth parents.



Read more: How to Deal with Step-Children
eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2004344_deal-step-children.html#ixzz0qYTwoAQH










Read more: How to Deal with Step-Children
eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2004344_deal-step-children.html#ixzz0qYTdyB00







Read more: How to Deal with Step-Children
eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2004344_deal-step-children.html#ixzz0qYTVQXns

2 weeks left, and scared

its been quite some tie since I made an entry on this blog.  Alot has been happening.  For some odd reason there has been some peace in my home, but at what price?  I have decided to let go of the fact that I know my husband isn't faithful, and as long as it isn't blatant, I have to tolerate it until I can find a means out of this sad relationship.  When he yells, I walk away and ignore him.  I try my best to focus on our first child but it is so hard in my condition to function.  I have bad hips, a bad back, and even more medical problems I am not attending to simply to cut down on medical costs because we have a PPO, and I am inundated with bills I can't afford and that haven't yet been paid.  I am tired of my spouse calling me a loser everytime the issue of money arises.  When our first child was due, I bought and paid for everything, and this ingrate had no quams allowing me to spend in the thousands to pay for towels, basinet, stroller, car seat, playpin, sheets, blankets, clothes, etc. But now that I haven't the means to support myself, he bitches about buying things for our new child every oppotunity he gets.  To make matters worse, I don't know if he thought he was doing me a favor by having his first illigetimate child come here around the time I give birth.  The stress is bad enough from having a toddler and trying to care for a new born, but having to tolerate a ghetto teenage girl???? OMG what the hell was this asshole thinking?  He always has his daughter come around at the most inopportune time.  Wait did I mention he tells me that his friend has 3 kids out of wedlock, and that no one knows about them?  Then he turns to me and says why must I tell everyone he has a daughter?  I'm like wait an F-ing minute, was this not the same a-hole that testified in court falsly claiming that I don't like his daughter that at the time I'd never met. Then flew her out for my child's baptism, because he wanted all his kids together, then all of a sudden now he starts to think that having a child out of wedlock is nothing to be proud of, nor should I advertise it????? Wait I'm confused. So, I should pretend she doesn't exist, and when your friends come around and notice this teenage girl who sadly looks identical to her father with boobs, who apparently is my child, what the hell am I supposed to say then?  Keep in mind, when he does introduce her its almost as if he's ashamed of her, and when I introduce her, I do it with a smile, and proclaim it like there nothing wrong, and yet I'm still wrong for that??????Ugh,  I noticed in the past few months, Tony has stopped making payments on the car insurance, lapsed on home insurance, refuses to activate the home alarm system, and now our joint phone line doesn't allow me to send nor receive text messages.  I know something is up, but at this point with the kind of physical condition I am in, there's really nothing I can do.  I suffer through severe pain to clean, and cook, and try to prepare for my next child, and even though we live in a 4 bdrm home, he has refused to purchase our first child a bdrm set and set up their own room, sohe first child and the newbon will be sharing dressers, and a crib until he feels the first child should get their own room.  Frankly, I hate this arrangement, sometimes I think I'd be better off on my own where I could do things my way, but I tolerate it.  I resent his stupidity, like placing waste products like trash, food, garbage on the kitchen counter attacting insects, and then likening it to going to a restaurant, and an ass.  He refuses to buy our child vitamins knowing she needs it because he doesn't think it necessary.  I know marriage isn't easy but for good ness sake... Pray for me and my kids. I thank God my mom will be here but I dread the interaction with her and his family.  My dad and mom send my children so much to compensate for the lack of responsiblity my husband takes for our children.  And his ungrateful ass never says thank you.  i really do regret every marrying or  having met him.  I hate him I really do.

C'est La Vie

Its been quite sometime since I last blogged.  My birthday passed, and I do really believe I am an official old crow.  Or at least that's what my shithead of a husband constantly tells me.  I know I began this blog as a means to help others cope with marriage, wedding planning, and parenting, but I have found that I need to blog as a means of stress relief, a way to truly express my frustation with those 3 topics in general.  Parenting is not easy when married to an asshole.  When he is rude and obnoxious to you in the presence of your children, it is hard to believe that you are developing a healthy family environment for your children when you constantly feel annimosity towards that person.  For the past few weeks my husband would be what I would call some what civil.  But please understand that this is by the lowest of standards.  So, anyway he's actual slept in our room for a few nights, and I act as though I am being rewarded for good behavior.  Who lives like that? I'm terrified of delievering my newborn in 4 weeks into this hectic, and toxic environment.  My daughter already sees how her father treats with the littlest amount of respect. His family truly believe I am an idiot.  I get so damnned emotional when thinking of all the painful experiences I've endured its hard to continue writing.  I will blog a completed thought later.  All the best

Happy Birthday to me?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I had it all figured out.  I was going to do something charitable for someone else, as a gift to the world, rather than expecting anything from anyone.  I had it all figured out.  I searched a few charitable sites to find an event or something charitable to do, just so I could creat some spirit of peace and giving for myself, and start that process in believing that my life han't been completely selfish, and perhaps my life can have more meaning than the chaos I exist in this marriage. I have spent the past 2 weeks avoiding my husband, after what he did to me 2 weekends ago.  If I didn't already blog about it let me tell you what this SOB did.  So, I'm feeling lousy and everytime I call him to tell him I don't feel well, he essentially tells me he doesn't give a damn and to stop calling him at work.  It doesn't matter what I say to him, he becomes completely defensive insulting, and down right nasty.  So, he comes home from work, and I tell him once more I'm not feeling well. So, he proceeds to berate me.  I quietly go to my room, and lay down, frustrated by the pain and the emotional abuse.  I sleep it off.  I wake up, and the SOB asks me what I want to eat, ugh like a moron I fall for it thinking that he'll do one nice thing and perhaps begin to treat me like a human being.  But no, after getting me the food I actually think we can be civilized to one another.  NOOOOO, how stupid of me to think I can be treated humanly for more than 10 minutes.  He starts on the whole, " thats why I don't like being around you, you get on my nerves, leave me the hell alone".  So, I decide I want to leave.  That's when the drama ensues.  Gosh I'm crying so much from what he did next that it sickens me just thinking about it. 

Now its getting UGLY!!!!

Last night the SOB I'm married to made a half ass attempt at treating me with an ounce of civility.  How long did that civility last? Oh about a microsecond....anyhoo, so I feeling th negative effects of pregnancy...chest pains, etc.  This has been on going for a few days.  You think the SOB would have some sympathy for me....nooooooo... instead he yells at me, bitches to me about how he's not my doctor, and I should go get one.  Ok so, I want to go to urgent care, but he's in one of those the minute we get outside moods he's going to go off.  He's looking for any reason, and gets to the point that he's so desperate to trigger an argument or a fight that when i don't fall for it and aren't reeled into his games, he literally calls the medics and proclaims I am experiencing depression, and I am in need of a dolly or stretcher to remove me from the home.  I am appaulled and surprised when I  first encounter the guys in my home, and to ma`ke matters worse why are firemen so damned hot? Anyhoo, so I tearfully start to explain that my spouse and I have marital problems, and I simpy wanted to get away from my spouse and sat in the car after numerous requests for him to move his car from behind mine.  I was floored at what levels my spouse would stoop to make me look bad.  I truly hate him.  I hope he burns in hell.  The worst of this story is my misguided parents that so strongly believe in this dysfunctional relationship, that my father asked me to get off his phone, and my mother proclaimed she would not send me any funds to help me get out of the situation.  My life has taken such a sad sad turn. 

Being watched and monitored, at this point your relationship must be pretty bad

I have been spending way too much time talking to my husband's nephew.  I assumed since we're closer in age than he and I are then perhaps we could relate to issues that my spouse and I simply aren't on the same page.  Anyhoo, I have come to realize that I am surrounded by strangers, enemies, foes.  No one I am currently affiliated with has my best interest in mind.  My spouse nephew has now been living with us for almost a month, and I realize he is essentially here to monitor me, and watch what I do.  He even made mention to fact that he is uncomfortable with how much we argue.  Imagine that.  And funny enough the idiot then goes on to say that its the cussing that bothers him the most.  Ok let me explain what he means by cussing.  He over heard me call my spouse a GOAT.  But for some odd reason the fact that my husband threatens to do bodily harm to me doesn't remotely bother him, nor the fact that my husband yells at me consistently and in his presence, tell him that its common for men to do so, and I should just take it and be quiet.  I am simply disgusted by all this.  I'm not really sure what to do at this point.  I have to watch what I say and do, even with my toddler who is less I say off the chain.  His nephew even commented that "you am feeding her chef boyRdee again.  I thought you were going to start cooking for her?"  Ok, um WTF????? how in the hell are you going to dictate to me what I'm supposed to feed my child.  My child doesn't like nor has the palette for our native food which is just too spicy and often times disgusting, I'll be honest I can't eat goat, gizzard, cow tongue, cow foot, cow skin, tripe, fish head, etc.  I start to gag.  The smell alone makes me nauseaus.  If I can't muster the smell, or the look, how can I try to force my child to eat it? Did, I mention his nephew has tried to place dinner orders?  I'm like look here buddy, this ain't burger king you can't get it your way.  Who in the hell does this A-hole think he is.  Its bad enough the SOB lied to me about going on a date with some chick that calls my house on a daily, then when I loaned him my cell phone they forwarded the messages on the phone somewhere but I don't know where.  I am so glad I have my counseling sessions each week cause all this would drive me f--ing crazy.  Did I mention how much of liar my spouse is?  Oh yes, he lies that I took his keys and I hid his stuff etc, and I had to call his job to check to see if he borrowed the keys which of course he didn't , then when he complained that he didn't have the keys to our bedroom, he tried to use the key and realized he was cold busted his key had been there all along.  I hate trying to prove I am right , or that people are lying.  I am so tired of living this way.  Oh let me not mention my a-hole gyn.  OMG, this SOB really ripped into me yesterday, simply because I asked a few questions about the progress of my baby.  Seriously, I'm tired of being everyone's doormat.  I hate being treated like shit, and one of these days I will assert myself, and walkout on everyone. 

How can life get to this point?

Last night I get a call from a friend that had a baby a few months after I did.  She's a few years older than my self, makes a 6 figure salary owns her own home, has a luxury car, and decided at 40 she would have a baby with her bestfriend, and recent lover/boyfriend.  Well, they lived thousands of miles apart, he in NY she in LA.  I asked her how she would manage such a relationship, because I myself went through the same ordeal only to discover when I married my jackass, I really didn't know as much as I should have before marrying him.  Sadly, she is facing the same fate.  Her jackass leaves his blackberry at her house and she uncovers his emails, flight plans etc for the past 2 years.  While he's been giving her excuses as to why he could make it for the delivery of their son, of why his travel time is limited and can only visit his son once every 3 months, turns out this son a bitch has been in a different state, with a different woman for the past 3 years.  Periodically making time for his son, and what we thought was his girlfriend.  Whats worse is, when my friend forwarded all the emails to all the other women, turns out the majority of them are married, and were perfectly content with their arrangement.  This sent a very scary chill up my spine.  You see, my son of a bitch proudly maintains a relationship with his babymama, and 2 ex girfriends and god knows who else.  He keeps his phone accounts locked by passwords and all mail items mailed to his sister's office and other many PO boxes.  He continues to lie to me about his whereabouts, and as much as the emotional, physical, and pschological abuse pains me, the fact that I have forgiven him again and again, and yet his deceit continues while refusing to release me from the pain and anguish he's inflicted on me is overwhelming, I wonder why he continues to lie.  I have never pegged him to be a man of any integrity, and sadly he tells me that his nephew is watching me, and watching my behavior.  The other day I had to call the cops to file a report because this son of a bitch had threatened me, and though his nephew was present, I strongly doubt he will be truthful to what he saw or what transpired.  Then to make matters worse I get a letter from my union about my membership.  I mean, WTF!!!!!, Can I be such a horrible person to be in a perpetual state of misery because of this man.  I have tried to make myself happy through prayer, focusing on my daughter, and building on her intellectual strengths but sadly, the abundant amount of time we spend together is taking a serious toll on me.  Its me and the baby 24/7, my only breaks come when I attend weekly counseling.  I thought counseling would help me either change to meet his needs or garner enough strength to pack up and leave.  I truly hate him.  I regret everyday I see him.  I regret I married him. I regret moving here for him, I regret trying to make others happy.  Worse of all, I hate the impact its making on our kids.  I pray God grants me a miracle, cause I need one and soon.

Happy Anniversary my @$$

I truly can not believe how much of an asshole my husband is.  I mean of the worst kind. So, this weekend was our legal marriage anniversary, and wedding anniversary.  Why 2?  LOL funny enough we had 3 weddings.  One in February 2 years ago, and 2 in April.  Either I regret all 3 of those days.  I can not believe how much I truly hate my husband.  Not only did he on our anniversary threaten to beat me in the presence of his 30 old nephew, but also accused me of stealing his keys to his job.  I am like wtf?  Whats worse is when I tried to report the threat.  The asshole cop that called me back sits there and tells me some bullshit about he was just fussing at you and I'm not going to make a report.  OMG!!!! why do I live like this?  Our child has become a casualty in our marriage.  She is used a  pawn to trigger any argument we have.  I have been to counseling, I go to church and continue to ask god for him to change but nothing happens.  I have no idea what else to do.  I have no money, no job, nothing to financially walk out and be ok.  If anyone reads my blog and can refer me to a great lawyer that will take my case probono I will be so grateful. 

Don't let them get to you

So, I kept myself secluded in a room, working online and looking for some sort of outlet from the misery that is this marriage.  I heard my spouse come to the door, and I didn't bother to get get up to open it, and I think he as well was going to use the key to unlock the door from the outside, but changed his mind instead, and took his laundry up, and got himself ready to go out for the day. I usually would be hurt that he didn't want to talk to me, or even want to take me and the baby out for the day or even for the ride in the car, but today, I said don't let it get to you.  I have tried everything humanly possible to get through to my spouse to let him know I am lonely, I need us to work on our relationship, but the truth is you can't really force anyone to want to be with you.  You can't force someone to love you.  Its not humanly possible.  You can hope, and pray for one day things to improve but when you see things are somewhat at a standstill all you can say is don't let it get to you.  It hurts like hell I know.  Matters of the heart are impossible to understand, I wish there was some magic wand that you could wave to change the situation and make the hurt stop, and become numb to all the grief and anguish a broken heart causes, but you think hard and realize its temporary.  One day the pain will stop.  One day you'll get past it.  Its harder when you live with the person, but once they are out of your life it gets easier and easier.  My spouse has done just about everything to avoid spending any time with me, or even being around me.  How do you cope with it.  You wonder are you so aweful?  But you hav to tell yourself its not you.  It never was. 

When someone loves you the sky is the limit

I was having a conversation today with my aunt, and we were discussing her stepdaughter and her husband and kids.  The girl is not quite 28 and already she has 2 kids and a set of twins on the way.  She's managed to finish a Bachelor's degree, and has a full time job.  She and her spouse live in a functional household and fell in love in college and have been together ever since.  I am so impressed by this.  Its amasing what true love and support can get one to accomplish.  Have I been in love before?  I think so, or perhaps I was just glad someone was paying attention to me, but it started out as a good relationship.  During that time I thought I was invinsible.  I could do anything because when I got done doing my college assignments, and got off work there was someone there to love me, adore me, nurture me, listen to me, craddle me, and I could do the same for them.  They inspired me to complete assignments, concentrate on my job, look and invest in new ventures, and share all my goals with them.  I mean nothing was impossible when you know your spirit, life, and very being is being nurtured.  Have you ever had that feeling that someone really truly loved you, and you could do no wrong, and no matter if you screwed up they were there to help you pick up the pieces even if it was in the sense of an encouraging word, a smile, or a hug?  I miss that.  I haven't had that in nearly 15 years.  The last time I felt that was I was a teenager.  There's nothing like new love and true love.  Why am I sounding so love struck in the midst of a crumbling marriage? Because listening to my aunt today gave me hope, not hope in my marriage, I'm assuming its a wrap on this end, but in the sense that there is such a thing as love, and a good man.  There are men out there that will respect you, listen to you, call you frequently, and nurture your needs and feelings and in turn engage you to do the same for them.  My spouse came home 2 hours late 2 days in a row from working overtime near what I think is his mistresses house.  Should I continue to fool myself to think he still loves me ?  NOOOOOOO.... there's a part of me that wishes and hopes, but the reality is he doesn't even like me.  I watched "Why did I get married" this weekend, and I sat and contemplated the same thing.  2 children later, broke, emotionally distraught & destroyed I can't believe I married such a horrible human being.  He tells me all the time how ungrateful I am, and how I don't appreciate anything.  He has his nephew living here with us now.  I haven't the slightest idea why. I talk to him alot because its nice to have an adult to talk to even though I know he gives a fake smile, and pretends he's a friend, but he's truly foe.  I have given up completely.  I know there are good people out there that will love and respect me. 

Selfish? When in a dying marriage can one be too selfish?

I am in some bum**** town with my husband and daughter for the next few days.  I'm here because its better than being at home with my inlaw who I guess now is going to be living with us ( the rude shit) from now on.  I told my spouse this morning that I would take the baby to the movies rather than sit in the hotel all day long.  And what does he say to me?  No, don't go i want to go with you guys too.  So, I wait the entire day get made up just for him (which was a waste of my freakin time) and we wait from 8-5 and when he gets off he wants to go to the 5 star dining of Applebee's.  Ok, then he insists that we order it to go because he's tired and wants to go back to the hotel.  I say no, that the baby and I have been in the hotel all damn day, and I am want to be around some people.  So, we compromise with with just appetitizers and our entrees will be to go.  Of course when we get back to the hotel and he changes in to his pj's I know we're in for the night, and when I mention to him later that I knew he wasn't going to take us to the movies, he goes off and proclaims I am selfish, and i should have sympathy for him since he worked all day.  Its always this bullshit about I worked all day.  Like I have never worked a ficking job in my life and I should just act as though going to a job is all that life should consist of.  I am with a willful, zealous, defiant, loving, mishceivous, beautiful toddler day in and day out, and as much as I want to smother our child with love and attention every minute I am around her, its just not possible.  Its a constant of "stop, put that down, don't do that, I said NO, come back here". And in the 2 hours my husband is around our child they play constantly, absolutely no discipline, and then has the nerve to complain i am not affectionate enough after I have had my fill of naughty behavior.  Funny enough he has been doing this thing where when I speak to him he tunes me out, often ignoring what I say, or pretending he's attending to our child, or completely focusing directly and solely on the child and becomes unresponsive to what I say.  I have began to become more quiet.  I have began to withdraw and make less comments. Strike up less conversations.  I see no point.  He'll either ignore me, put me down, say its irrelevant, say my points are stupid or nonsense, so I don't even bother.  Sometimes, I forget I pray for a glimmer of hope that he'll even notice my hair, or try to be attentive to my pregnancy.  His actions tell me he has checked out of this relationship.  It seems to me he's emotionally moved on to another one.  It doesn't matter how much i cry, or show emotion he simply doesn't care.  I wish I could tune out too, but being around him makes it so very hard.  Usually when i ended past relationships, I change my number, avoid certain places they frequent, and alter my routine.  But, when I want to do things for myself, and then give him the benefit of the doubt that backfires on me.  I mentioned to him today to remind his nephew about the trash, and have it taken out while we are gone, he tells me to call him myself.  Again this is a 30 year old man living in our home, and I have to endure him ignoring me, doesn't acknowledge my presence when I enter my home, ugh.  I really give up this is bullshit.  Why am I even try. Its mind over matter.  I can't let them do to me what they did before.  I will just pray and God will work all this out for me.  Because I do not have the emotional strength to want to do this alone anymore. 

New Book tells how to "Get Unstuck"

I heard about a book that is essentially a "How to" of how to get yourself out of a rutt.  Many of us women, mothers, and wives often get stuck in rutt that seems never ending.  I have been a victim to my husband perpetual abuse. Its a painful cycle of  Financial abuse, emotional abuse, sometimes physical abuse, isolation, parental manipulation (in the sense that he intentionally tells our daughter I have done something wrong or worse tells her to either strike me or tells her to reprimand me).  I have fallen for many traps set by him to continue the cycle that keeps me in this rutt where I feel as though I will never be able to empower myself.  As I watched the author of the book "Get Unstuck" describe steps to get people out of their constant state of dilemma, I thought about what I too could do to get unstuck.  I realized, I've begun the process of healing myself slowly. 
1. I blog and share my feelings, my thoughts, values, woes, and tips on life of marriage parenting, marriage, weddings.
2. I attend counseling once a week to help cope with the pain of being in the situation I am in.
3. I look for work as often as possible so I am not crippled by my spouse's abuse
4. I pray daily to ask for spiritual guidance and forgiveness
5. I try to make a list of things to accomplish

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but I hope it will help any other person that feels trapped. Today, I have to face the fact that I have to give up this hopeless relationship and file for divorce, and find a way to support myself and my children.  I have to make a way, to heal my children from the damage they have seen, and what has occurred.  Is that any one wants? Never, but is that the only recourse in a hopeless situation?  Yes!!

Oscars partners, parents, comedy & more

Last night was the 82nd academy awards.  I watched the entire show from beginning to end.  I didn't understand why Neil Patrick Harris opened the show, but I think Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin did a great job.  Many of us women watch it for the fashion, and last night I must admit I didn't understand many of the choices.  Miley Cyrus' dress to me made her look like a lineman.  Her shoulders are ginormous.  Sarah Jessica Paker's dress should have been worn by Paula Patten who is visibly preggers, and was in a bright orange tight fitted gown.  I hated Demi Moore's dress on her.  She's too old to try to look so young.  Yes we're all impressed by her appearence, its quite odd how she looks better now than she did 20 years ago.  Plastic Surgery, Yoga, Pilates, and a younger husband has done her some good.  Jeff Bridges and his wife impressed me.  They have been married over 33 years and they looked genuinely happy to be together.  Tim and Susan are no longer and item, and they were never married to begin with, so does that make it easier to end a relationship that lasted that long?  Monique has thanked her philandering husband numerous times for standing by her side and being her partner, but you all must wonder how often does he cheat on her, and until recently I'm sure many women didn't know he was married to Monique.  George Clooney may be the only guy that got it right and has completely refused to get married.  I assume there are perks to being his girlfriend or armcandy.  What?  There is no long term, and once the relationship is over its over.  Woody Harralson and Matt Damon married the everyday woman, not glamorous, and not aesthetically beautiful, but they seemed to be drawn to these women because they seem grounded.  So, many award recipents thanked their spouses, and when spouses weren't thanked you wondered what would happen in the car on the way home.  I know I'll never forget my wedding when my husband claims he forgot to thank me, after all the hard work, time and energy I'd invested into that sham I call marriage.  It was quite the hollywood production, spectular but lacked substance.  Either way,  a few award recipents thanked their children for having an impact on their career.  I wondered how?  Children are often a motivation, to stay married, or make more money, but to be an actor or a sound man, how do your children inspire fame?  It was great to watch.  Even JLO in her splendor and glory presented, and I wondered who's watching her kids? I panic when my husband suggests we leave my kids with his sister and month.  I don't like the idea of their influence on my children.  There isn't anything positive I can perceive they would say or do to impact my children especially their evil paternal grandmother.  I sleep next to my child daily, and watch over my child as they sleep.  I worry if I don't think they are nreathing correctly, or if my child begins to wimper in their sleep. Hollywood movies are an imitation of life, but how accurately does it depict life.  One day, I will share my life's story, and I want the world to know how I have lived, and I know there are many women like me.  But, each morning I pray to God to give me strength to live each day, and to love my children, and look past the fact my husband doesn't love me. 

The Clues are all there and what do you do with it?

I can't believe I keep finding more evidence he's cheating.  Yesterday, while we were out he had some documents in the car.  Well, I happen to notice a name on the documents, and what appeared to be a fax number. Of course I do a reverse 411 to find out who the number belongs to, and they gave me the name of the young woman who's cell number has been appearing on my husband's cell phone at all hours of the day, and as I stare more at the fax, it appears the fax as sent at 4:32am.  So, no I start crumble, because at this point I realize that each time my spouse is in a hurry to get me of the phone its because he's in a hurry to get her on the phone.  And you know what he says to me about it.  He starts yelling, screaming carrying on about how I am bringing down our marriage, and trying to destroy him, and calls me a terrorist because I am checking his phone, and basically he keeps getting caught but he tells me there isn't  damn thing I'm going to do about it.   I don't know if it is my ego that hurts more, or my heart.  It is so painful to know that someone doesn't love you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it or do about it.  I have seen this happen to my mother, and now I have been cursed the very same way, I used criticize my mother for.  She has stayed with my father for over 40 years, and in those years my father has seeded 6 children outside of her marriage.  It was bad enough he had 3 prior to, 2 of whom were dropped off on my mother's door step within the first few months of their marriage.  But, I'll give her credit, she warned me not to date a guy with a child, and I didn't want to heed her warning because I thought he loved me, and nothing could impair that love.  LORD forgive me for being so very wrong.  I often have these impulses to call and find out the truth because I am tired of being yelled at , insulted, and I would rather ask the woman herself what the truth is, because believe it or not, more often than not the other woman will tell you the truth, 1. either because she didn't know 2. To have it out in the open to enable him to end the relationship with his spouse of significant other 3. Because she's been there and would rather be honest and end the painful saga of lies.  Either way, I never blame them unless they knew and had no respect for the marriage anyway.  Its weird.  I have never cheated on a boyfriend, never had a fling on the side, never collected phone numbers, and all my being honorable never got me anywhere.  I flashed my ring on so many occassions proudly to come home to an asshole who just ended a phone call with his ex girlfriend, or his current fling.  And I replay in my mind the moment I should have ended the relationship.  I knew from the very beginning he wasn't trust worthy.  I didn't follow it because I was so desperate to get out of the dysfunctional environment I was in, I figured he was the best I could do to get out of the situation.  He calls me paranoid and delusional, yet I keep stopping myself from calling these women to find out the truth because deep down I know the truth.  My everyday existence centers on the pain he inflicts on me, and never seems to end.  I have prayed, I have cried, and nothing makes it change. 

Parenting OMG!!! WTF!!!!

My child has become a little monster.  She screams in public, yells NO, NOOOOO, NO, refuses to eat, throws her food, toys, etc on the ground, yanks things off tables, and counters.  My child simply will not behave in public and I am often embarrassed by her antics , and seem like I have no control regardless of what I do.  In the midst of my frustration about her behavior she has seen my spouse and I fight verbally, physically, yelling, and I know she is copying much of the behavior she has seen us exhibit toward one another.  It is truly an unhealthy environment.  Her father is more permissive of her behavior, while I think its time to begin working with her on manners, etiquette, and sheer self control.  Ok I get it she's approaching terrible 2's but this is ridiculous, I thought I had some time before she'd start to exhibit these unruly behaviors.  Between dealing with her taking almost 2 hours to eat cereal, her spitting up spagetti, flinging her fruit, and outright not eating, I have to listen to the jackass I call a spouse dictate to me to not feed her if she's not hungry, and what is a mother to do?  He tells me its a waste of time to give her vitamins because she'll get it from the foods she eats.  She'll eat when she's hungry and at this point she's so under weight I am frightened.  But as a parent I don't have to comfort of turning to a supportive parent that will coach me on how to manage her behavior of get her to eat. Instead, I have a broken record of a mother who tells me the same bullshit " make sure you feed her, and be sure to give her vitamins...honestly "no shit sherlock, tell me something useful" I think to myself but I simply reply "yes mom".  Its aweful how little support I get from anywhere.  Well, I've called her pediatrician for the millionth time for more advice on how to get her to eat, but I'm sure they'll tell me the same bullshit they've been telling me.  UGH!!!! Who's idea again was it to insist it was great idea to get married and have kids? Seriously!!!! I wish people would stop cramping that bullshit down people's throats.  As much as I love my child and her sweet face, I wish I were maried to a better partner, or wish i'd never married or met him.  I guess God does things for a reason.  I pray I find answers to surviving parenthood, cause this marriage thing is a bust and I can't give up on my kids like my idiot husband.  They didn't ask to be here and I can't blame them for the circumstances they've been given.

March madness...ain't that the truth

So, here we go again.  I have tried everything to make my marriage work, and the harder I try the more it deteriorates.  I have prayed for divine intervention, I have prayed my husband to change, I have pleaded with family, I have begged friends (or those I mistook for friends). Nothing has made any improvements in this marriage. So how do I survive the dimise of my marriage?  I have tried to ignore him.  I have tried to stay away from him in order to maintain my peace of mind, and not be reminded that he doesn't respect me, treats me like shit, has physically, and emotionally abused and scarred me, yet feels justified in his actions because when I respond or defend myself from frustration he accuses me of being verbally abusive.  Frankly, its getting old.  Who the hell invented this thing called marriage, and how often do people find their actual soulmate that they will remain with for the rest of their lives?  How long does one live with regret of marrying the wrong person?  For how long do you try to make things work?  I mean we sleep in separate rooms.  We rarely speak.  All we do is argue, and I can't believe I'm allowing a complete moron to get the best of me.  Oh by the way, let me mention what happened recently.  So, he keeps saying he's going to his sister's office to handle some paperwork.  I'm like whatever, I assume he's lying like he always does.  So, I ask him what he's going to do about the business he wanted to start... and you know what this son of a bitch says to me? He and his sister have already secured the lease for the office space, and he has now put the business in his sister's name, of course to ensure I can't claim it is our community property.  I stand there completely dumb founded, something we'd talked about since we were dating, he turns over to his sister excludes me, then tells me not to ask him a thing about his business, the name of anything of the sort.  At that point, I just laugh.  I walk away as he is yelling and carrying on. I go to my room that he has removed his things from, and I sit with my child, and pray.  I have prayed so much it feels like a complete waste of my time to do it anymore.  I know God always does what he believes is right for us, but sometimes I wonder if God puts things in our way for a reason for us to see the truth, and we ignore it because we've been coaxed into a false believe that we are meant to remain in extreme conditions for the sake of martyrdom.  My mom is a marriage martyr, and many women from years past and even today are marriage martyrs because they remained in loveless marriage, remained when their spouses cheated, they remained when their spouses beat them.  They remained when their spouses drank, did drugs, etc.  I am no saint.  I wish I could have the faith, and hope my mom did, but I don't I realize my husband is an asshole, and there's truthfully nothing I can do to change that. 

How to move forward when they don't want forgiveness

It keeps happening. Its officially been 4 days since I've spoken to the ass I'm married to.  I feel like I've given up.  No matter what I try and do, he just doesn't give a shit about how much he hurts me.  So, you want to know what he did this time?  So, I'm helping this bastard get his paperwork ready for a class, and as I look at his notes that he claims he borrowed from a male colleague at work, I'm start to recognize the handwriting.  Oh yes, the handwriting is female, and not only female but that of his ex girlfriend.  My heart starts to hurt, I'm feeling sick because I keep thinking we have gotten past this.  I thought I prayed I hoped he's not cheating, but alas, he's stayed in communication with this chick for the longest.  After he had beaten me over his babymama, he'd originally struck me over his ex and now to find out he's still in communication with her is so painful to bear.  I can't understand why. And to make things worse he justifies his actions by telling him don't ask him any questions about where he goes, and what he does, even goes so far as to turn the script on me, and asks me if I am prostituting.  WTF!!!!  I have tried to ignore all sorts of things.  I have tried to pretend that things will be ok, and eventually we will work ourselves out, but what happens when its beyond repair?  What happens when you know you just can't fix it or even try anymore?  You simply give up, and sadly that's what I've done.  I give up.  I'm not talking to him or anyone.  I shut my phone off, I stay locked in my room, except to play with our child, fed the baby, and give the baby a bath.  I do nothing but cry at the lost of my years.  I repeatedly regret my life with him, and where it is now.  I mourn the death of my marriage, and even the worse the damage it has done to me psychologically.  I have begged anyone who will listen to help me.  I have asked one who will talk to him, but I keep getting blamed for looking, and why should I ask. That he should be allowed to do as he pleases in his houses.   I have no money for another lawyer.  I have no resources to do anything.  I am trapped here.  So, I stay closed off to everyone so that way, I don't get hurt anymore.   I'm going to try to go to counseling, and pray it will one day heal me.  I have been through so much in my life, I pray I can get past this.

No he didn't just say that to me....

Lord, let me pray for patience.  The jackass I am married to and I have had peace in this house for a few days.  Last night, the weather was so bad many of the employees didn't show up for work, which left him with little to no work to do.  You think he came home?  Nope, and hell what do I care, my daughter and I were warm in our bed.  But, thats not the point.  I have been out searching for a lawyer to help me some how quietly, and easily get out of this horrid situation.  I decided to play along like the counselor said, and keep my mouth shut.  He and I often debate over legal topics, like how stupids aren't given government grants if convicted of drug crimes.  He claims black students are never given grants over even marijuana charges, I held the opposing view that often convictions are based on the severity of the crime, and there often are extenuating variables that may cause a person to get a felony rather than a misdemeanor.  He had me look up misdemeanor online , and I did.  I read him the federal statues that constitutes a misdemean drug crime from a felony.  Hell, I've watched enough campus PD, Cops, Law & Order, and TRUtv to realize this.  Anyway, my spouse's views about the American Justice system and medical system are skewed.  He even went on to debate that a woman is techically over the hill, and too old for marriage after the age of 30.  He said that prime marriage and child bearing age is 18.  That was a bit frightening to hear, but I often have to listen to this chauvanist crap daily.  He calls me old.  Tells me I should know how to handle my kitchen because women are meant to deal with matters of the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, etc.  I swear if he had uttered any of this bullshit when we first met, I would have ran for the hells and never looked back.   Anyway, thats not my point.  So, here I am caught in a rock and hard place trying to steer clear of any conflict with him, trying to maintain my silence until I can get a job and raise enough money to buy a ticket for me and my kids and run away from here and get back to my hometown, or find the legal resources that can help me out of this, and still get me out of here.  So, as was mentioned before during one of my attempts to get legal aide, and resource counseling  I get victimized while seeking help.  I got robbed.  This is bullshit.  Why me?  Not only did I have to lie in order to get away to do this, but worse I had to call my primary abuser to explain that I'd been victimized by someone else, and I get yelled at.  Several days later, primary abuser 1 has an apiphany and asks me one night on his way to work where I'd been going and what I'd been doing.  That he wanted the phone numbers to where I'd been, the police reports of the pending case, and more.  Then to add icing to the batteredwife cake while we are enjoying a quiet afternoon watching TV, he turns to me in front of our daughter and asks "you still haven't told me where you've been going. have you been prostituting yourself?" OMG did he really just say that to me????? OMG did he really just say that?  NOOOOOO way!!!!!!!The thought of sleeping with him makes me sick let alone some stranger for money?  OMG!!!!!! I got up and walked away.  Came to my computer and typed.  OMG!!!!! Lord have mercy he is the biggest jack ass in the world!!!!!!!! There are no other words to describe him. 

When do you get fed up?

Today was another day of lounging around just waiting for him to leave and go to work.  A friend of mine called and asked how I was doing.  I off loaded on her like I do with anyone that will listen.  But the reality is people can only do so much.  When am I going to truly start helping myself?  I have done alot to help myself in the past and it has gotten me no where.  I sit in a dark office crying and feeling sorry for myself, and it gets me no where, so when am I going to finally get tired of the way I'm living and do something about it?  You can tell when someone has checked out on you, and you can tell when it truly isn't functioning, and no matter the amount of prayer you do what will help?  I know Jesus Christ isn't going to waste his time on my issues, when people in Haiti, Rwuanda, Ethopia, and other places are still crying out for help.  Why do I selfishly believe in divine intervention to salvage the damage done in this marriage?  How do you survive your marriage when it has hit rock bottom?  How do you survive, when you can't think of anything else to bring joy into your home?  Sadly, as Valentine's day approaches, I could really give a shit.  Will I be surprised if he actually does something nice for me?  Yes, but do I expect anything? Hell No!!!  I don't think love exists.  I've never experienced it.  I wish I could say someone has loved me, but I really can't say that.  Anyway,  Good for those of you that have and find true love, but for the rest, fuck it its a waste of time. 

Be patient, Pray, give it time, it is well... what the hell does that mean?

I have heard all those statements so many times its really beginning to irritate the hell out of me.  Be patient for what? What I am supposed to be patient for?  Is something coming that I should look forward to?  Should I be expecting 20 million dollars if I keep my mouth shut and listen to my spouse constantly put me down all day long?  Am I getting a new car if I pretend I don't even hear words from his mouth?  Give it time...give what time????? "It" refers to the situation I'm living under.  Should I assume with time, I will become ajusted to being treated like shit and it will become a nonissue?  Give it time, and perhaps he will change, or eventually I'll out live him?  Oh here's another popular saying amongst foreigners..."it is well" .  WTF do you mean it is well, if it were well, I wouldn't be crying my eyes out everyday.  Its funny, I'll never forget the episode of extreme makeover home improvement where there was a widow, and she couldn't get over the fact that she had lost her first love, her soul mate, and best friend and couldn't seem to cope without him.  Me???? each day he walks out the door I hope he gets hit by a car.  First love my ass, soul mate my ass,  why can't horrible people end up together and make each other fucking miserable?  Or wait, could that be my fate?  Is that why I'm being punished?  Maybe I had all this coming?  I thought Karma came when I was raped, I thought karma came when I lost my brother, I thought karma came several different times, so why is this lasting longer than usual? I have asked God to help me, but its sad, I guess I'm being punished because I am always focused on myself and my misery.  These types of things are supposed to make one stronger, but instead, I sink lower into self hatred, and loathing of him, and resentment for being in this situation.  He reminded me that I finally told him why I make him wear a condomn.  I don'twant to catch anything.  I know he's fooling around on me but he will never own up to it, then will blatantly say only cowards cheat, you think I'm afraid of you?  Funny enough I do think he is somewhat afraid of me.  I think he's afraid if I find out I have grounds to get out of this, for good.  Right now, I can't prove the abuse as of yet.  He's gotten better at covering his tracks of making sure, I have no bruises or he does it in a manner not considered physical assault.  David L. let him get away with beating me.  I don't know how he couldn't see what he had done to me.  I guess when he does go to work tonight all I can hope is he gets hit  by a bus.  I know it sounds cruel, but its just wishful thinking.  I know I shouldn't so I will PRAY that God forgives me for hating him so much, and allowing me peace of mind to let the pain go.   Go SAINTS!!!

So much has happened in so short a period of time

Lod have mercy on my soul where on Earth do I begin?   Well let's start with yet another police incident between my spouse and I.  I swear the cops have been out here so much, I pretty much know the entire local police department by name.  This time it happened just as it always does, with him yelling at me about something I know he's being an ass about, and my wanting to leave, and go for a drive.  This is how it always starts.  Its the same dramatic bullshit everytime.  I want to leave he doesn't want me to so the drama ensues.  It escalates and I am injured, I am threatened, or he's covering his ass in case I call, or end up with injuries.  Its the same bullshit everytime.  However, I did what I always do, start looking for a lawyer, start packing my things, and praying someone will take me and my child in, but alas I call one of his friends, and I am reminded of how much of a freaking loser I truly am and how much he nor anyone I know has any respect for me.  So, I find this advocacy group that will take me and my child in on Saturday, and sadly, when I arrive I simply can't bring myself to do it.  I can't stay.  I can not believe I have hit rock bottom and this is the setting in which I am going to raise my daughter.  The share shame and guilt, send me walking out the shelter door, and back to the asshole I call my husband.  He left me a message, but doesn't want to address issues over the phone.  I swear thats the safest place for me to discuss our issues, however, he has mastered the art of hanging up, and I have mastered the art of begging him to listen to me.  When did I become like this?   I continue to ask myself over and over again.  I have lost all confidence in myself and the simplest things that wouldn't even arouse confusion in me has me now wondering if I truly am everything he says I am. I can't believe I even asked him today if he thought I was a good mom.  Can you imagine, I sought approval in my parenting?  Anyway to make matters worse, I go looking for more legal assistance, and while in the meeting my car gets broken into.  Ok here's the kicker, you know I had to lie to him to get out of the house and to convince him to watch our child, and to add to an already challenging situation I now must explain what I was doing somewhere other than where I said I would be.  He didn't ask me if I was ok.  He didn't ask me if I were alright.  Just that I'm costing him money.  So, as he walks out to buy condomns to go on his so called overtime overnight alone, not wearing his white lab coat, I begin to wonder, but as was suggested by the legal advisor, if you suspect he's cheating, and he hasn't truly shown he loves you, then why bother racking your brain trying to sort out who with's with and what he's doing.  Most likely he's not doing anything he should so why bother.  And I decided, for my peace of mind don't ask.  Don't call to verify, don't check on him.  Unless I hire a private investigator its impossible to determine exactly what he's doing at all times. He sleeps on the couch and enjoys being away from me.  This isn't marriage, and no matter what people say are th ups and downs of marriage this isn't it.  I wish I didn't feel anything.  Many times its my ego being demolished, and I can't by pass the crushing blow i'm dealt, but I know deep, deep inside, I never really loved him, I married him because I had to. I married him because I was forced to, I married him because I guilted into, I married him to have bragging rights that I was a married woman.  But all those don't mean a damn thing except to say, this isn't love.  No matter what i try, and no matter if he says he loves me his actions say otherwise.  Hey, I'll give him credit, he fixed my broken window. 

Forgive my Spelling and Grammatic errors

Looking back at all my posts, I realize I have made spelling and grammatic errors of astronomical proportions.  I have used the wrong tense, the wrong verbs, pronouns in place of proper nouns etc.  I apologize to readers that do follow this blog.  Because I am uncertain of how many followers I do have, I often write for myself, and aren't as concerned by mistakes because I am typing in the moment, and when all emotions are fresh, pained, and penetrating.  So, be patient with me.  I am human, and am going through alot right now.  I have no real support system to guide me through this. 

All days aren't bad days in marriage ....are they ...but in parenting...ugh

Why haven't I written in a while because I've been too busy being sick from pregnancy, and enjoying the mediocre yet civil treatment my spouse have given me.  He believes he treats me like a queen, and compared to how I'm usually treated, and spoken to, I'll take any kind of civility from him.  So, married people is this one of those pick your battles blogs?  Yes it is.  Sometimes, it sad but we often should just let things go for our own peace of mind, and sanity.  If you know you're married to an ass, you have several options , either tolerate them, move one with your life, find a way to make your daily existence more meaningful, and less about them being a part of it, or simply cater to their ego so they can't make your life more miserable than it already is.

So, yesterday speaking of battles, after a few days of civility we're riding in the car, and he gets on the phone with his sibling who I despise and the feeling is mutual.  They speak daily often 4 to 5 times daily, and he receives 2X calls from his mother.  Ok I'm baffled by all of this.  I don't see the point, nor comprehend what they need  to discuss frequently.  So, as in typical fashion, I do my best not to interrupt the conversation, nor indicate that I am within earshot, but yet somehow it always happens he asks me a question, I may not answer correctly, and he reprimands me disrespectfully that I am always amased he can even speak to anyone in that manner, and when I call him on it, and I swear he does it to show his family he cares nothing for me.  So, i'm livid but I remain calm and ask why do you always do that?  And he flies off the handle in typical a****le fashion.  At this point I'm pist so I wait till we get home to unleash all the fury I have.  I go off.  Damn it recalling it all now I am soooo oooooooooodamn it.  I have never resented someone as much in my life. 

As for kids....I'll be honest with you.. it is  a pleasure to talk to other parents that share similar parenting woes, and joys.  For example, my 16 month old has learned to manipulate her father into getting what she wants, and that is always at the expense of triggering an arguement between he and I. I want her to eat more,  he thinks I shouldn't force her to, I share my fries with her which is one of the few things she will eat, he yells at me for teaching her unhealthy habits, I won't give her my pringles chips, and he accuses me of denying her food.  He's teaching her to climb the stairs on her own which is ungated, I tell him she shouldn't go near the stairs unsupervised (2 weeks ago it happened), when I getting ready to shower I take her off the bed and put her in her crib or play pin, he complains I'm caging her and let her be free, he leaves her unattended on our elevated bed, he leaves his shows, and clothes everywhere for me to pick up after him, and when she grabs hold of his shoes, he yells that I'm exposing her to harm because I allow her to pick up his shoes.  When I feed her in the morning she won't eat oatmeal, but will eat the gerber canned foods, he doesn't want me feeding her processed foods, he says he'll feed her and after 10 minutes of her refusal to eat with him , he claims she's not hungry, forcing me to find what she will eat , and having extra dirty dishes for me to wash.  God forbid I go out to get groceries and leave her in his care, he won't change her diaper, nor will he feed her while I'm gone, and God forbid she poops, he won't go near her at all, yet I am perpetually called lazy, careless, I swear when it comes to parenting we aren't on the same page and I feel as though I can't win. And who takes full advantage of all this?  My 16month old.   So, what do I do?  Is it the parenting that's the problem or the lack of collaboration and cohesiveness in our relationship altogether.


I pray that God forgives me because I truly hate the man I married.  I regret everyday I am with him. 

Where's My Dinner? Ugh you Pig!

So, the past few days have not been as miserable as usual though had it been someone else they may think otherwise.  Anyway, it was better than usual.  So, I blow my back out chasing my child around the house in an attempt to get a poppy diaper changed.  My husband's spouse of an outing for my children and I is taking us location scouting.  Scouting for an office space for lease to start a new business. So, we pile into the car in 30 degree weather looking for locations.  This experience is quite horrid for most but since I have come to the realization I am married to a complete inconsiderate A-hole I have sadly began to become accustom to the yelling, flatuence, and for the third time I've been told I am lucky not to be beaten on a daily basis like the woman we saw beaten with a belt by her husband because she defied him.  I hope my daughter doesn't grow up to think this is how men should treat their wives or being spoken to in this manner is ok.  I pray she doesn't develop a deep seeded hatred of men, much like I did when I was old enough to realize the mental and emotional cruelty my father inflicted on my mother.  I know there are many types of men, but Why O' Lord why did I end up with such a low life piece of trash? I guess I am lucky that I'm not brutually beaten daily like many women.  Maybe I am lucky I'm not threatened with weapons like many women are.  Maybe I am lucky he hasn't attacked me in a few months.  Maybe I am lucky that all I get is threatened and warned when I get smart or refuse to do something these days.  Maybe I am lucky I get away with talking back.  Maybe I am lucky, I don't get jumped on anymore when I try to leave. I maybe lucky because I now serve breakfast in bed daily.  I have a hot meal sitting on the island right as he walks through the door, with a fake smile.  Maybe I am I'm lucky because we don't have sex anymore and though I desperately crave the affection, and warmth of cuddling, I'm lucky not to endure the selfish and painful sex sessions my spouse refers to as love making.  BTW, is it rape when you're in the middle and you tell your spouse you're hurting me, please slow down or stop, and he tells you he's almost done, and then drips and pins you down unable to move? Anyway, back to our scouting trip.  After being yelled out consistently to write down the leasing number posted on a sign, or call the number, or yelled at to leave a proper message, I'm told I'm lucky I didn't get slapped after my spouse let out 2 disgusting silent farts, which required me to roll down the car window, proceeds to belch, to which I comment " geez if its not coming out of your butt its coming out of your mouth" and when we get home this son of a bitch asks me where is my dinner?  Are you kidding me? What a pig!!!!!

When does the marriage blues go away?

I woke up this morning dreading my husband coming home.  Its sad, I truly don't look forward to seeing him.  He is the most selfish, careless, inconsiderate, tiresome, self absorbed son of a bitch, and I do mean that as I can't stand his mother, I've ever met.  As I chatted with my cousin yesterday about his marriage it occurred to me that he and his wife had come a very long way from where they used to be when they first got married.  I mean my cousin was constantly berading his wife, and yelling at her, but that has now all changed they have found some ground where there is a genuine respect for one another.  I had another family member that also went through a very bitter divorce and they too managed to get it together and led a very happy life, and come to a compromise that enabled them to resolve their marital woes, but how?  I've found that many people won't fully disclose what they had to do to truly rebuild the damage they'd done in their relationship.  My spouse believes that my world should center around pleasing him, and that is what life is about.  He has made it his goal to change me, and sadly I am extremely bothered by his efforts to do so.  I have never resented someone so much in my life.  I thought I had a deep seeded resentment toward my father for the abuse and tortre he put my mom through, and knowing this information my spouse tends to relay all our issues to how well behaved my mother was to my father and how much she did as she was told.  As a child I hated watching my father treat my mother with such lack of respect it sickened me.  On many occassions I would pray my mom would leave him, and even plead with her to do so, and what I got in turn was either a sound slap across the face, or a severe beating for suggesting such a thing.  My mom believes because my husband isn't as bad as my dad was that I shouldn't complain, but abuse is abuse no matter what the degree.  The memories haunt me, and sadly I fear my daughter my experience the same.  I watch how my husband treats her, and it frightens me, because he shows her kindness, sometimes so much it makes me uncomfortable the kind of affection he shows her.  Then turns around and treats me with complete disdain.  I hate him. I hate him for what he has done to me.  I pray for God to forgive me and give me strength to cope but its so very hard.  God help me please. PLEASE!!!!!

Happy New ? Yes, No, Maybe? What kind of year will you make it?

So, its been a while since I last blogged and I'd hoped I'd have a few people reading and posting to my blg by now but I guess at this point I can treat this as a public outlet to voice my opinions, frustrations etc.  So, on 12/ 31/09 I went to church much to the disapproval of my spouse.  I'll give him credit he has been consistent since before we got married.  Every year since we were dating he has consistently had a fit when it came time for me to got to church on New Year's.  Keep in mind he works on New Year's but would prefer I stay home and experience a misable evening alone rather than spend it with family or friends, or even strangers at some kind of prayer.  Let's reflect on 2009.  For me it was a hell of a year.  I went through a divorce, and then took it out of court, I realized that you are truly alone in this world, and no one but GOD almighty is there to see you through the most challenging part of your life.  I got some financial help from my parents but the emotional support I needed just wasn't there.  I never heard a word from one of my siblings throughout the entire process and yet, I recently discovered that my a$$**** of a brother in law has actually stayed in contact with my husband's inlaws throughout this period, and never once thought to pick up the phone to find out how my children and I were doing.  There were so many times I cried out in agony not understanding why I was going through this alone.  I have harbored so much resentment, and it is so hard to forget the pain many have put me through including to the SOB i'm married to now.  There are soooo many days, I fake a smile, pretend I am happy for the sake of trying not to be miserable, and each time, I know that SOB makes me sick to my stomach.  He'll never admit what he did to me.  He makes me visit the same family that did so many horrific things to me,  and I just endure it because I have no where else to go.  Each memory causes so much pain, each person that abandoned me, each time I try to turn to someone to listen and you realize they can'teven be bothered.  I've tried counseling and during my last session the counselor actually fell asleep.  Every session she tells me there's nothing she can do, and I think then why the hell do I pay you to not listen and not give me any sound advice?  If I had real friends and family I surely wouldn't be here. Every painful memory leads me to contemplate a painful existence.  Then the New Year comes, and I wan't sure what resolution to make.  I realized how happy I was to be away from people, away from critiism, pretense, false friendship, insults, failed attempts to develop a bond.  Failed attempts to get a job.  Hatred of a city that truly isn't wha you thought it would be.  So, this new year, I guess I am happy that I should glad when I am at home, I am far away from those that have hurt me.  When I am at home, I control who I talk to or how desperate I get for friendship, or companionship.  This year, I have resolved to stop being so desperate to be loved by my spouse, stop beig so desperate to have friends. Stop being so desperate to have someone understand me.  Because they never ever will.  NO one cares about how much I hurt everyday. No one cares what I am going through and I should stop expecting them to.  I am ok with that.  The less I deal with others the less I can be hurt.  So, I must resolve o focus on being a better mother.  I must resolve to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I must resolve to try to find happiness within myself.  I don't know why people say that cause it makes no damn sense.  How the hell do you find happiness when everyting that surrounds you is negative, and reminds you of everything painful you've ever hated or experienced. How do you find happiness in yourself?????? They always say things like women tend to look to a man to make them happy, and to be perfectly honest men do the same its just they find various vices of women to fill their void. Men either cheat, drink, indulge in food, drugs, sports, hobbies to avoid what makes them miserable.  Some women have mastered that, others still struggle to cope.  I guess I have ound my vice.  I will blog for me regardless if people read and shar my thoughts, views, etc.  I need to find an avenue to happiness.  It won't be easy, but it helps to know God is always here with me.  I just wish I could get a hug and rest his arms, and just escape.  Its amazing how little my husband cares when I hurt.  Its truly amazing but its quite fine.  I should be used to it by now.  I have to rely on me to make me happy.  I pray I have a happy new year.