Happy New ? Yes, No, Maybe? What kind of year will you make it?

So, its been a while since I last blogged and I'd hoped I'd have a few people reading and posting to my blg by now but I guess at this point I can treat this as a public outlet to voice my opinions, frustrations etc.  So, on 12/ 31/09 I went to church much to the disapproval of my spouse.  I'll give him credit he has been consistent since before we got married.  Every year since we were dating he has consistently had a fit when it came time for me to got to church on New Year's.  Keep in mind he works on New Year's but would prefer I stay home and experience a misable evening alone rather than spend it with family or friends, or even strangers at some kind of prayer.  Let's reflect on 2009.  For me it was a hell of a year.  I went through a divorce, and then took it out of court, I realized that you are truly alone in this world, and no one but GOD almighty is there to see you through the most challenging part of your life.  I got some financial help from my parents but the emotional support I needed just wasn't there.  I never heard a word from one of my siblings throughout the entire process and yet, I recently discovered that my a$$**** of a brother in law has actually stayed in contact with my husband's inlaws throughout this period, and never once thought to pick up the phone to find out how my children and I were doing.  There were so many times I cried out in agony not understanding why I was going through this alone.  I have harbored so much resentment, and it is so hard to forget the pain many have put me through including to the SOB i'm married to now.  There are soooo many days, I fake a smile, pretend I am happy for the sake of trying not to be miserable, and each time, I know that SOB makes me sick to my stomach.  He'll never admit what he did to me.  He makes me visit the same family that did so many horrific things to me,  and I just endure it because I have no where else to go.  Each memory causes so much pain, each person that abandoned me, each time I try to turn to someone to listen and you realize they can'teven be bothered.  I've tried counseling and during my last session the counselor actually fell asleep.  Every session she tells me there's nothing she can do, and I think then why the hell do I pay you to not listen and not give me any sound advice?  If I had real friends and family I surely wouldn't be here. Every painful memory leads me to contemplate a painful existence.  Then the New Year comes, and I wan't sure what resolution to make.  I realized how happy I was to be away from people, away from critiism, pretense, false friendship, insults, failed attempts to develop a bond.  Failed attempts to get a job.  Hatred of a city that truly isn't wha you thought it would be.  So, this new year, I guess I am happy that I should glad when I am at home, I am far away from those that have hurt me.  When I am at home, I control who I talk to or how desperate I get for friendship, or companionship.  This year, I have resolved to stop being so desperate to be loved by my spouse, stop beig so desperate to have friends. Stop being so desperate to have someone understand me.  Because they never ever will.  NO one cares about how much I hurt everyday. No one cares what I am going through and I should stop expecting them to.  I am ok with that.  The less I deal with others the less I can be hurt.  So, I must resolve o focus on being a better mother.  I must resolve to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I must resolve to try to find happiness within myself.  I don't know why people say that cause it makes no damn sense.  How the hell do you find happiness when everyting that surrounds you is negative, and reminds you of everything painful you've ever hated or experienced. How do you find happiness in yourself?????? They always say things like women tend to look to a man to make them happy, and to be perfectly honest men do the same its just they find various vices of women to fill their void. Men either cheat, drink, indulge in food, drugs, sports, hobbies to avoid what makes them miserable.  Some women have mastered that, others still struggle to cope.  I guess I have ound my vice.  I will blog for me regardless if people read and shar my thoughts, views, etc.  I need to find an avenue to happiness.  It won't be easy, but it helps to know God is always here with me.  I just wish I could get a hug and rest his arms, and just escape.  Its amazing how little my husband cares when I hurt.  Its truly amazing but its quite fine.  I should be used to it by now.  I have to rely on me to make me happy.  I pray I have a happy new year.