How to move forward when they don't want forgiveness

It keeps happening. Its officially been 4 days since I've spoken to the ass I'm married to.  I feel like I've given up.  No matter what I try and do, he just doesn't give a shit about how much he hurts me.  So, you want to know what he did this time?  So, I'm helping this bastard get his paperwork ready for a class, and as I look at his notes that he claims he borrowed from a male colleague at work, I'm start to recognize the handwriting.  Oh yes, the handwriting is female, and not only female but that of his ex girlfriend.  My heart starts to hurt, I'm feeling sick because I keep thinking we have gotten past this.  I thought I prayed I hoped he's not cheating, but alas, he's stayed in communication with this chick for the longest.  After he had beaten me over his babymama, he'd originally struck me over his ex and now to find out he's still in communication with her is so painful to bear.  I can't understand why. And to make things worse he justifies his actions by telling him don't ask him any questions about where he goes, and what he does, even goes so far as to turn the script on me, and asks me if I am prostituting.  WTF!!!!  I have tried to ignore all sorts of things.  I have tried to pretend that things will be ok, and eventually we will work ourselves out, but what happens when its beyond repair?  What happens when you know you just can't fix it or even try anymore?  You simply give up, and sadly that's what I've done.  I give up.  I'm not talking to him or anyone.  I shut my phone off, I stay locked in my room, except to play with our child, fed the baby, and give the baby a bath.  I do nothing but cry at the lost of my years.  I repeatedly regret my life with him, and where it is now.  I mourn the death of my marriage, and even the worse the damage it has done to me psychologically.  I have begged anyone who will listen to help me.  I have asked one who will talk to him, but I keep getting blamed for looking, and why should I ask. That he should be allowed to do as he pleases in his houses.   I have no money for another lawyer.  I have no resources to do anything.  I am trapped here.  So, I stay closed off to everyone so that way, I don't get hurt anymore.   I'm going to try to go to counseling, and pray it will one day heal me.  I have been through so much in my life, I pray I can get past this.

No he didn't just say that to me....

Lord, let me pray for patience.  The jackass I am married to and I have had peace in this house for a few days.  Last night, the weather was so bad many of the employees didn't show up for work, which left him with little to no work to do.  You think he came home?  Nope, and hell what do I care, my daughter and I were warm in our bed.  But, thats not the point.  I have been out searching for a lawyer to help me some how quietly, and easily get out of this horrid situation.  I decided to play along like the counselor said, and keep my mouth shut.  He and I often debate over legal topics, like how stupids aren't given government grants if convicted of drug crimes.  He claims black students are never given grants over even marijuana charges, I held the opposing view that often convictions are based on the severity of the crime, and there often are extenuating variables that may cause a person to get a felony rather than a misdemeanor.  He had me look up misdemeanor online , and I did.  I read him the federal statues that constitutes a misdemean drug crime from a felony.  Hell, I've watched enough campus PD, Cops, Law & Order, and TRUtv to realize this.  Anyway, my spouse's views about the American Justice system and medical system are skewed.  He even went on to debate that a woman is techically over the hill, and too old for marriage after the age of 30.  He said that prime marriage and child bearing age is 18.  That was a bit frightening to hear, but I often have to listen to this chauvanist crap daily.  He calls me old.  Tells me I should know how to handle my kitchen because women are meant to deal with matters of the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, etc.  I swear if he had uttered any of this bullshit when we first met, I would have ran for the hells and never looked back.   Anyway, thats not my point.  So, here I am caught in a rock and hard place trying to steer clear of any conflict with him, trying to maintain my silence until I can get a job and raise enough money to buy a ticket for me and my kids and run away from here and get back to my hometown, or find the legal resources that can help me out of this, and still get me out of here.  So, as was mentioned before during one of my attempts to get legal aide, and resource counseling  I get victimized while seeking help.  I got robbed.  This is bullshit.  Why me?  Not only did I have to lie in order to get away to do this, but worse I had to call my primary abuser to explain that I'd been victimized by someone else, and I get yelled at.  Several days later, primary abuser 1 has an apiphany and asks me one night on his way to work where I'd been going and what I'd been doing.  That he wanted the phone numbers to where I'd been, the police reports of the pending case, and more.  Then to add icing to the batteredwife cake while we are enjoying a quiet afternoon watching TV, he turns to me in front of our daughter and asks "you still haven't told me where you've been going. have you been prostituting yourself?" OMG did he really just say that to me????? OMG did he really just say that?  NOOOOOO way!!!!!!!The thought of sleeping with him makes me sick let alone some stranger for money?  OMG!!!!!! I got up and walked away.  Came to my computer and typed.  OMG!!!!! Lord have mercy he is the biggest jack ass in the world!!!!!!!! There are no other words to describe him. 

When do you get fed up?

Today was another day of lounging around just waiting for him to leave and go to work.  A friend of mine called and asked how I was doing.  I off loaded on her like I do with anyone that will listen.  But the reality is people can only do so much.  When am I going to truly start helping myself?  I have done alot to help myself in the past and it has gotten me no where.  I sit in a dark office crying and feeling sorry for myself, and it gets me no where, so when am I going to finally get tired of the way I'm living and do something about it?  You can tell when someone has checked out on you, and you can tell when it truly isn't functioning, and no matter the amount of prayer you do what will help?  I know Jesus Christ isn't going to waste his time on my issues, when people in Haiti, Rwuanda, Ethopia, and other places are still crying out for help.  Why do I selfishly believe in divine intervention to salvage the damage done in this marriage?  How do you survive your marriage when it has hit rock bottom?  How do you survive, when you can't think of anything else to bring joy into your home?  Sadly, as Valentine's day approaches, I could really give a shit.  Will I be surprised if he actually does something nice for me?  Yes, but do I expect anything? Hell No!!!  I don't think love exists.  I've never experienced it.  I wish I could say someone has loved me, but I really can't say that.  Anyway,  Good for those of you that have and find true love, but for the rest, fuck it its a waste of time. 

Be patient, Pray, give it time, it is well... what the hell does that mean?

I have heard all those statements so many times its really beginning to irritate the hell out of me.  Be patient for what? What I am supposed to be patient for?  Is something coming that I should look forward to?  Should I be expecting 20 million dollars if I keep my mouth shut and listen to my spouse constantly put me down all day long?  Am I getting a new car if I pretend I don't even hear words from his mouth?  Give it time...give what time????? "It" refers to the situation I'm living under.  Should I assume with time, I will become ajusted to being treated like shit and it will become a nonissue?  Give it time, and perhaps he will change, or eventually I'll out live him?  Oh here's another popular saying amongst foreigners..."it is well" .  WTF do you mean it is well, if it were well, I wouldn't be crying my eyes out everyday.  Its funny, I'll never forget the episode of extreme makeover home improvement where there was a widow, and she couldn't get over the fact that she had lost her first love, her soul mate, and best friend and couldn't seem to cope without him.  Me???? each day he walks out the door I hope he gets hit by a car.  First love my ass, soul mate my ass,  why can't horrible people end up together and make each other fucking miserable?  Or wait, could that be my fate?  Is that why I'm being punished?  Maybe I had all this coming?  I thought Karma came when I was raped, I thought karma came when I lost my brother, I thought karma came several different times, so why is this lasting longer than usual? I have asked God to help me, but its sad, I guess I'm being punished because I am always focused on myself and my misery.  These types of things are supposed to make one stronger, but instead, I sink lower into self hatred, and loathing of him, and resentment for being in this situation.  He reminded me that I finally told him why I make him wear a condomn.  I don'twant to catch anything.  I know he's fooling around on me but he will never own up to it, then will blatantly say only cowards cheat, you think I'm afraid of you?  Funny enough I do think he is somewhat afraid of me.  I think he's afraid if I find out I have grounds to get out of this, for good.  Right now, I can't prove the abuse as of yet.  He's gotten better at covering his tracks of making sure, I have no bruises or he does it in a manner not considered physical assault.  David L. let him get away with beating me.  I don't know how he couldn't see what he had done to me.  I guess when he does go to work tonight all I can hope is he gets hit  by a bus.  I know it sounds cruel, but its just wishful thinking.  I know I shouldn't so I will PRAY that God forgives me for hating him so much, and allowing me peace of mind to let the pain go.   Go SAINTS!!!

So much has happened in so short a period of time

Lod have mercy on my soul where on Earth do I begin?   Well let's start with yet another police incident between my spouse and I.  I swear the cops have been out here so much, I pretty much know the entire local police department by name.  This time it happened just as it always does, with him yelling at me about something I know he's being an ass about, and my wanting to leave, and go for a drive.  This is how it always starts.  Its the same dramatic bullshit everytime.  I want to leave he doesn't want me to so the drama ensues.  It escalates and I am injured, I am threatened, or he's covering his ass in case I call, or end up with injuries.  Its the same bullshit everytime.  However, I did what I always do, start looking for a lawyer, start packing my things, and praying someone will take me and my child in, but alas I call one of his friends, and I am reminded of how much of a freaking loser I truly am and how much he nor anyone I know has any respect for me.  So, I find this advocacy group that will take me and my child in on Saturday, and sadly, when I arrive I simply can't bring myself to do it.  I can't stay.  I can not believe I have hit rock bottom and this is the setting in which I am going to raise my daughter.  The share shame and guilt, send me walking out the shelter door, and back to the asshole I call my husband.  He left me a message, but doesn't want to address issues over the phone.  I swear thats the safest place for me to discuss our issues, however, he has mastered the art of hanging up, and I have mastered the art of begging him to listen to me.  When did I become like this?   I continue to ask myself over and over again.  I have lost all confidence in myself and the simplest things that wouldn't even arouse confusion in me has me now wondering if I truly am everything he says I am. I can't believe I even asked him today if he thought I was a good mom.  Can you imagine, I sought approval in my parenting?  Anyway to make matters worse, I go looking for more legal assistance, and while in the meeting my car gets broken into.  Ok here's the kicker, you know I had to lie to him to get out of the house and to convince him to watch our child, and to add to an already challenging situation I now must explain what I was doing somewhere other than where I said I would be.  He didn't ask me if I was ok.  He didn't ask me if I were alright.  Just that I'm costing him money.  So, as he walks out to buy condomns to go on his so called overtime overnight alone, not wearing his white lab coat, I begin to wonder, but as was suggested by the legal advisor, if you suspect he's cheating, and he hasn't truly shown he loves you, then why bother racking your brain trying to sort out who with's with and what he's doing.  Most likely he's not doing anything he should so why bother.  And I decided, for my peace of mind don't ask.  Don't call to verify, don't check on him.  Unless I hire a private investigator its impossible to determine exactly what he's doing at all times. He sleeps on the couch and enjoys being away from me.  This isn't marriage, and no matter what people say are th ups and downs of marriage this isn't it.  I wish I didn't feel anything.  Many times its my ego being demolished, and I can't by pass the crushing blow i'm dealt, but I know deep, deep inside, I never really loved him, I married him because I had to. I married him because I was forced to, I married him because I guilted into, I married him to have bragging rights that I was a married woman.  But all those don't mean a damn thing except to say, this isn't love.  No matter what i try, and no matter if he says he loves me his actions say otherwise.  Hey, I'll give him credit, he fixed my broken window.