So much has happened in so short a period of time

Lod have mercy on my soul where on Earth do I begin?   Well let's start with yet another police incident between my spouse and I.  I swear the cops have been out here so much, I pretty much know the entire local police department by name.  This time it happened just as it always does, with him yelling at me about something I know he's being an ass about, and my wanting to leave, and go for a drive.  This is how it always starts.  Its the same dramatic bullshit everytime.  I want to leave he doesn't want me to so the drama ensues.  It escalates and I am injured, I am threatened, or he's covering his ass in case I call, or end up with injuries.  Its the same bullshit everytime.  However, I did what I always do, start looking for a lawyer, start packing my things, and praying someone will take me and my child in, but alas I call one of his friends, and I am reminded of how much of a freaking loser I truly am and how much he nor anyone I know has any respect for me.  So, I find this advocacy group that will take me and my child in on Saturday, and sadly, when I arrive I simply can't bring myself to do it.  I can't stay.  I can not believe I have hit rock bottom and this is the setting in which I am going to raise my daughter.  The share shame and guilt, send me walking out the shelter door, and back to the asshole I call my husband.  He left me a message, but doesn't want to address issues over the phone.  I swear thats the safest place for me to discuss our issues, however, he has mastered the art of hanging up, and I have mastered the art of begging him to listen to me.  When did I become like this?   I continue to ask myself over and over again.  I have lost all confidence in myself and the simplest things that wouldn't even arouse confusion in me has me now wondering if I truly am everything he says I am. I can't believe I even asked him today if he thought I was a good mom.  Can you imagine, I sought approval in my parenting?  Anyway to make matters worse, I go looking for more legal assistance, and while in the meeting my car gets broken into.  Ok here's the kicker, you know I had to lie to him to get out of the house and to convince him to watch our child, and to add to an already challenging situation I now must explain what I was doing somewhere other than where I said I would be.  He didn't ask me if I was ok.  He didn't ask me if I were alright.  Just that I'm costing him money.  So, as he walks out to buy condomns to go on his so called overtime overnight alone, not wearing his white lab coat, I begin to wonder, but as was suggested by the legal advisor, if you suspect he's cheating, and he hasn't truly shown he loves you, then why bother racking your brain trying to sort out who with's with and what he's doing.  Most likely he's not doing anything he should so why bother.  And I decided, for my peace of mind don't ask.  Don't call to verify, don't check on him.  Unless I hire a private investigator its impossible to determine exactly what he's doing at all times. He sleeps on the couch and enjoys being away from me.  This isn't marriage, and no matter what people say are th ups and downs of marriage this isn't it.  I wish I didn't feel anything.  Many times its my ego being demolished, and I can't by pass the crushing blow i'm dealt, but I know deep, deep inside, I never really loved him, I married him because I had to. I married him because I was forced to, I married him because I guilted into, I married him to have bragging rights that I was a married woman.  But all those don't mean a damn thing except to say, this isn't love.  No matter what i try, and no matter if he says he loves me his actions say otherwise.  Hey, I'll give him credit, he fixed my broken window.