Don't let them get to you

So, I kept myself secluded in a room, working online and looking for some sort of outlet from the misery that is this marriage.  I heard my spouse come to the door, and I didn't bother to get get up to open it, and I think he as well was going to use the key to unlock the door from the outside, but changed his mind instead, and took his laundry up, and got himself ready to go out for the day. I usually would be hurt that he didn't want to talk to me, or even want to take me and the baby out for the day or even for the ride in the car, but today, I said don't let it get to you.  I have tried everything humanly possible to get through to my spouse to let him know I am lonely, I need us to work on our relationship, but the truth is you can't really force anyone to want to be with you.  You can't force someone to love you.  Its not humanly possible.  You can hope, and pray for one day things to improve but when you see things are somewhat at a standstill all you can say is don't let it get to you.  It hurts like hell I know.  Matters of the heart are impossible to understand, I wish there was some magic wand that you could wave to change the situation and make the hurt stop, and become numb to all the grief and anguish a broken heart causes, but you think hard and realize its temporary.  One day the pain will stop.  One day you'll get past it.  Its harder when you live with the person, but once they are out of your life it gets easier and easier.  My spouse has done just about everything to avoid spending any time with me, or even being around me.  How do you cope with it.  You wonder are you so aweful?  But you hav to tell yourself its not you.  It never was. 

When someone loves you the sky is the limit

I was having a conversation today with my aunt, and we were discussing her stepdaughter and her husband and kids.  The girl is not quite 28 and already she has 2 kids and a set of twins on the way.  She's managed to finish a Bachelor's degree, and has a full time job.  She and her spouse live in a functional household and fell in love in college and have been together ever since.  I am so impressed by this.  Its amasing what true love and support can get one to accomplish.  Have I been in love before?  I think so, or perhaps I was just glad someone was paying attention to me, but it started out as a good relationship.  During that time I thought I was invinsible.  I could do anything because when I got done doing my college assignments, and got off work there was someone there to love me, adore me, nurture me, listen to me, craddle me, and I could do the same for them.  They inspired me to complete assignments, concentrate on my job, look and invest in new ventures, and share all my goals with them.  I mean nothing was impossible when you know your spirit, life, and very being is being nurtured.  Have you ever had that feeling that someone really truly loved you, and you could do no wrong, and no matter if you screwed up they were there to help you pick up the pieces even if it was in the sense of an encouraging word, a smile, or a hug?  I miss that.  I haven't had that in nearly 15 years.  The last time I felt that was I was a teenager.  There's nothing like new love and true love.  Why am I sounding so love struck in the midst of a crumbling marriage? Because listening to my aunt today gave me hope, not hope in my marriage, I'm assuming its a wrap on this end, but in the sense that there is such a thing as love, and a good man.  There are men out there that will respect you, listen to you, call you frequently, and nurture your needs and feelings and in turn engage you to do the same for them.  My spouse came home 2 hours late 2 days in a row from working overtime near what I think is his mistresses house.  Should I continue to fool myself to think he still loves me ?  NOOOOOOO.... there's a part of me that wishes and hopes, but the reality is he doesn't even like me.  I watched "Why did I get married" this weekend, and I sat and contemplated the same thing.  2 children later, broke, emotionally distraught & destroyed I can't believe I married such a horrible human being.  He tells me all the time how ungrateful I am, and how I don't appreciate anything.  He has his nephew living here with us now.  I haven't the slightest idea why. I talk to him alot because its nice to have an adult to talk to even though I know he gives a fake smile, and pretends he's a friend, but he's truly foe.  I have given up completely.  I know there are good people out there that will love and respect me. 

Selfish? When in a dying marriage can one be too selfish?

I am in some bum**** town with my husband and daughter for the next few days.  I'm here because its better than being at home with my inlaw who I guess now is going to be living with us ( the rude shit) from now on.  I told my spouse this morning that I would take the baby to the movies rather than sit in the hotel all day long.  And what does he say to me?  No, don't go i want to go with you guys too.  So, I wait the entire day get made up just for him (which was a waste of my freakin time) and we wait from 8-5 and when he gets off he wants to go to the 5 star dining of Applebee's.  Ok, then he insists that we order it to go because he's tired and wants to go back to the hotel.  I say no, that the baby and I have been in the hotel all damn day, and I am want to be around some people.  So, we compromise with with just appetitizers and our entrees will be to go.  Of course when we get back to the hotel and he changes in to his pj's I know we're in for the night, and when I mention to him later that I knew he wasn't going to take us to the movies, he goes off and proclaims I am selfish, and i should have sympathy for him since he worked all day.  Its always this bullshit about I worked all day.  Like I have never worked a ficking job in my life and I should just act as though going to a job is all that life should consist of.  I am with a willful, zealous, defiant, loving, mishceivous, beautiful toddler day in and day out, and as much as I want to smother our child with love and attention every minute I am around her, its just not possible.  Its a constant of "stop, put that down, don't do that, I said NO, come back here". And in the 2 hours my husband is around our child they play constantly, absolutely no discipline, and then has the nerve to complain i am not affectionate enough after I have had my fill of naughty behavior.  Funny enough he has been doing this thing where when I speak to him he tunes me out, often ignoring what I say, or pretending he's attending to our child, or completely focusing directly and solely on the child and becomes unresponsive to what I say.  I have began to become more quiet.  I have began to withdraw and make less comments. Strike up less conversations.  I see no point.  He'll either ignore me, put me down, say its irrelevant, say my points are stupid or nonsense, so I don't even bother.  Sometimes, I forget I pray for a glimmer of hope that he'll even notice my hair, or try to be attentive to my pregnancy.  His actions tell me he has checked out of this relationship.  It seems to me he's emotionally moved on to another one.  It doesn't matter how much i cry, or show emotion he simply doesn't care.  I wish I could tune out too, but being around him makes it so very hard.  Usually when i ended past relationships, I change my number, avoid certain places they frequent, and alter my routine.  But, when I want to do things for myself, and then give him the benefit of the doubt that backfires on me.  I mentioned to him today to remind his nephew about the trash, and have it taken out while we are gone, he tells me to call him myself.  Again this is a 30 year old man living in our home, and I have to endure him ignoring me, doesn't acknowledge my presence when I enter my home, ugh.  I really give up this is bullshit.  Why am I even try. Its mind over matter.  I can't let them do to me what they did before.  I will just pray and God will work all this out for me.  Because I do not have the emotional strength to want to do this alone anymore. 

New Book tells how to "Get Unstuck"

I heard about a book that is essentially a "How to" of how to get yourself out of a rutt.  Many of us women, mothers, and wives often get stuck in rutt that seems never ending.  I have been a victim to my husband perpetual abuse. Its a painful cycle of  Financial abuse, emotional abuse, sometimes physical abuse, isolation, parental manipulation (in the sense that he intentionally tells our daughter I have done something wrong or worse tells her to either strike me or tells her to reprimand me).  I have fallen for many traps set by him to continue the cycle that keeps me in this rutt where I feel as though I will never be able to empower myself.  As I watched the author of the book "Get Unstuck" describe steps to get people out of their constant state of dilemma, I thought about what I too could do to get unstuck.  I realized, I've begun the process of healing myself slowly. 
1. I blog and share my feelings, my thoughts, values, woes, and tips on life of marriage parenting, marriage, weddings.
2. I attend counseling once a week to help cope with the pain of being in the situation I am in.
3. I look for work as often as possible so I am not crippled by my spouse's abuse
4. I pray daily to ask for spiritual guidance and forgiveness
5. I try to make a list of things to accomplish

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog, but I hope it will help any other person that feels trapped. Today, I have to face the fact that I have to give up this hopeless relationship and file for divorce, and find a way to support myself and my children.  I have to make a way, to heal my children from the damage they have seen, and what has occurred.  Is that any one wants? Never, but is that the only recourse in a hopeless situation?  Yes!!

Oscars partners, parents, comedy & more

Last night was the 82nd academy awards.  I watched the entire show from beginning to end.  I didn't understand why Neil Patrick Harris opened the show, but I think Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin did a great job.  Many of us women watch it for the fashion, and last night I must admit I didn't understand many of the choices.  Miley Cyrus' dress to me made her look like a lineman.  Her shoulders are ginormous.  Sarah Jessica Paker's dress should have been worn by Paula Patten who is visibly preggers, and was in a bright orange tight fitted gown.  I hated Demi Moore's dress on her.  She's too old to try to look so young.  Yes we're all impressed by her appearence, its quite odd how she looks better now than she did 20 years ago.  Plastic Surgery, Yoga, Pilates, and a younger husband has done her some good.  Jeff Bridges and his wife impressed me.  They have been married over 33 years and they looked genuinely happy to be together.  Tim and Susan are no longer and item, and they were never married to begin with, so does that make it easier to end a relationship that lasted that long?  Monique has thanked her philandering husband numerous times for standing by her side and being her partner, but you all must wonder how often does he cheat on her, and until recently I'm sure many women didn't know he was married to Monique.  George Clooney may be the only guy that got it right and has completely refused to get married.  I assume there are perks to being his girlfriend or armcandy.  What?  There is no long term, and once the relationship is over its over.  Woody Harralson and Matt Damon married the everyday woman, not glamorous, and not aesthetically beautiful, but they seemed to be drawn to these women because they seem grounded.  So, many award recipents thanked their spouses, and when spouses weren't thanked you wondered what would happen in the car on the way home.  I know I'll never forget my wedding when my husband claims he forgot to thank me, after all the hard work, time and energy I'd invested into that sham I call marriage.  It was quite the hollywood production, spectular but lacked substance.  Either way,  a few award recipents thanked their children for having an impact on their career.  I wondered how?  Children are often a motivation, to stay married, or make more money, but to be an actor or a sound man, how do your children inspire fame?  It was great to watch.  Even JLO in her splendor and glory presented, and I wondered who's watching her kids? I panic when my husband suggests we leave my kids with his sister and month.  I don't like the idea of their influence on my children.  There isn't anything positive I can perceive they would say or do to impact my children especially their evil paternal grandmother.  I sleep next to my child daily, and watch over my child as they sleep.  I worry if I don't think they are nreathing correctly, or if my child begins to wimper in their sleep. Hollywood movies are an imitation of life, but how accurately does it depict life.  One day, I will share my life's story, and I want the world to know how I have lived, and I know there are many women like me.  But, each morning I pray to God to give me strength to live each day, and to love my children, and look past the fact my husband doesn't love me. 

The Clues are all there and what do you do with it?

I can't believe I keep finding more evidence he's cheating.  Yesterday, while we were out he had some documents in the car.  Well, I happen to notice a name on the documents, and what appeared to be a fax number. Of course I do a reverse 411 to find out who the number belongs to, and they gave me the name of the young woman who's cell number has been appearing on my husband's cell phone at all hours of the day, and as I stare more at the fax, it appears the fax as sent at 4:32am.  So, no I start crumble, because at this point I realize that each time my spouse is in a hurry to get me of the phone its because he's in a hurry to get her on the phone.  And you know what he says to me about it.  He starts yelling, screaming carrying on about how I am bringing down our marriage, and trying to destroy him, and calls me a terrorist because I am checking his phone, and basically he keeps getting caught but he tells me there isn't  damn thing I'm going to do about it.   I don't know if it is my ego that hurts more, or my heart.  It is so painful to know that someone doesn't love you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it or do about it.  I have seen this happen to my mother, and now I have been cursed the very same way, I used criticize my mother for.  She has stayed with my father for over 40 years, and in those years my father has seeded 6 children outside of her marriage.  It was bad enough he had 3 prior to, 2 of whom were dropped off on my mother's door step within the first few months of their marriage.  But, I'll give her credit, she warned me not to date a guy with a child, and I didn't want to heed her warning because I thought he loved me, and nothing could impair that love.  LORD forgive me for being so very wrong.  I often have these impulses to call and find out the truth because I am tired of being yelled at , insulted, and I would rather ask the woman herself what the truth is, because believe it or not, more often than not the other woman will tell you the truth, 1. either because she didn't know 2. To have it out in the open to enable him to end the relationship with his spouse of significant other 3. Because she's been there and would rather be honest and end the painful saga of lies.  Either way, I never blame them unless they knew and had no respect for the marriage anyway.  Its weird.  I have never cheated on a boyfriend, never had a fling on the side, never collected phone numbers, and all my being honorable never got me anywhere.  I flashed my ring on so many occassions proudly to come home to an asshole who just ended a phone call with his ex girlfriend, or his current fling.  And I replay in my mind the moment I should have ended the relationship.  I knew from the very beginning he wasn't trust worthy.  I didn't follow it because I was so desperate to get out of the dysfunctional environment I was in, I figured he was the best I could do to get out of the situation.  He calls me paranoid and delusional, yet I keep stopping myself from calling these women to find out the truth because deep down I know the truth.  My everyday existence centers on the pain he inflicts on me, and never seems to end.  I have prayed, I have cried, and nothing makes it change. 

Parenting OMG!!! WTF!!!!

My child has become a little monster.  She screams in public, yells NO, NOOOOO, NO, refuses to eat, throws her food, toys, etc on the ground, yanks things off tables, and counters.  My child simply will not behave in public and I am often embarrassed by her antics , and seem like I have no control regardless of what I do.  In the midst of my frustration about her behavior she has seen my spouse and I fight verbally, physically, yelling, and I know she is copying much of the behavior she has seen us exhibit toward one another.  It is truly an unhealthy environment.  Her father is more permissive of her behavior, while I think its time to begin working with her on manners, etiquette, and sheer self control.  Ok I get it she's approaching terrible 2's but this is ridiculous, I thought I had some time before she'd start to exhibit these unruly behaviors.  Between dealing with her taking almost 2 hours to eat cereal, her spitting up spagetti, flinging her fruit, and outright not eating, I have to listen to the jackass I call a spouse dictate to me to not feed her if she's not hungry, and what is a mother to do?  He tells me its a waste of time to give her vitamins because she'll get it from the foods she eats.  She'll eat when she's hungry and at this point she's so under weight I am frightened.  But as a parent I don't have to comfort of turning to a supportive parent that will coach me on how to manage her behavior of get her to eat. Instead, I have a broken record of a mother who tells me the same bullshit " make sure you feed her, and be sure to give her vitamins...honestly "no shit sherlock, tell me something useful" I think to myself but I simply reply "yes mom".  Its aweful how little support I get from anywhere.  Well, I've called her pediatrician for the millionth time for more advice on how to get her to eat, but I'm sure they'll tell me the same bullshit they've been telling me.  UGH!!!! Who's idea again was it to insist it was great idea to get married and have kids? Seriously!!!! I wish people would stop cramping that bullshit down people's throats.  As much as I love my child and her sweet face, I wish I were maried to a better partner, or wish i'd never married or met him.  I guess God does things for a reason.  I pray I find answers to surviving parenthood, cause this marriage thing is a bust and I can't give up on my kids like my idiot husband.  They didn't ask to be here and I can't blame them for the circumstances they've been given.

March madness...ain't that the truth

So, here we go again.  I have tried everything to make my marriage work, and the harder I try the more it deteriorates.  I have prayed for divine intervention, I have prayed my husband to change, I have pleaded with family, I have begged friends (or those I mistook for friends). Nothing has made any improvements in this marriage. So how do I survive the dimise of my marriage?  I have tried to ignore him.  I have tried to stay away from him in order to maintain my peace of mind, and not be reminded that he doesn't respect me, treats me like shit, has physically, and emotionally abused and scarred me, yet feels justified in his actions because when I respond or defend myself from frustration he accuses me of being verbally abusive.  Frankly, its getting old.  Who the hell invented this thing called marriage, and how often do people find their actual soulmate that they will remain with for the rest of their lives?  How long does one live with regret of marrying the wrong person?  For how long do you try to make things work?  I mean we sleep in separate rooms.  We rarely speak.  All we do is argue, and I can't believe I'm allowing a complete moron to get the best of me.  Oh by the way, let me mention what happened recently.  So, he keeps saying he's going to his sister's office to handle some paperwork.  I'm like whatever, I assume he's lying like he always does.  So, I ask him what he's going to do about the business he wanted to start... and you know what this son of a bitch says to me? He and his sister have already secured the lease for the office space, and he has now put the business in his sister's name, of course to ensure I can't claim it is our community property.  I stand there completely dumb founded, something we'd talked about since we were dating, he turns over to his sister excludes me, then tells me not to ask him a thing about his business, the name of anything of the sort.  At that point, I just laugh.  I walk away as he is yelling and carrying on. I go to my room that he has removed his things from, and I sit with my child, and pray.  I have prayed so much it feels like a complete waste of my time to do it anymore.  I know God always does what he believes is right for us, but sometimes I wonder if God puts things in our way for a reason for us to see the truth, and we ignore it because we've been coaxed into a false believe that we are meant to remain in extreme conditions for the sake of martyrdom.  My mom is a marriage martyr, and many women from years past and even today are marriage martyrs because they remained in loveless marriage, remained when their spouses cheated, they remained when their spouses beat them.  They remained when their spouses drank, did drugs, etc.  I am no saint.  I wish I could have the faith, and hope my mom did, but I don't I realize my husband is an asshole, and there's truthfully nothing I can do to change that.