2 weeks left, and scared

its been quite some tie since I made an entry on this blog.  Alot has been happening.  For some odd reason there has been some peace in my home, but at what price?  I have decided to let go of the fact that I know my husband isn't faithful, and as long as it isn't blatant, I have to tolerate it until I can find a means out of this sad relationship.  When he yells, I walk away and ignore him.  I try my best to focus on our first child but it is so hard in my condition to function.  I have bad hips, a bad back, and even more medical problems I am not attending to simply to cut down on medical costs because we have a PPO, and I am inundated with bills I can't afford and that haven't yet been paid.  I am tired of my spouse calling me a loser everytime the issue of money arises.  When our first child was due, I bought and paid for everything, and this ingrate had no quams allowing me to spend in the thousands to pay for towels, basinet, stroller, car seat, playpin, sheets, blankets, clothes, etc. But now that I haven't the means to support myself, he bitches about buying things for our new child every oppotunity he gets.  To make matters worse, I don't know if he thought he was doing me a favor by having his first illigetimate child come here around the time I give birth.  The stress is bad enough from having a toddler and trying to care for a new born, but having to tolerate a ghetto teenage girl???? OMG what the hell was this asshole thinking?  He always has his daughter come around at the most inopportune time.  Wait did I mention he tells me that his friend has 3 kids out of wedlock, and that no one knows about them?  Then he turns to me and says why must I tell everyone he has a daughter?  I'm like wait an F-ing minute, was this not the same a-hole that testified in court falsly claiming that I don't like his daughter that at the time I'd never met. Then flew her out for my child's baptism, because he wanted all his kids together, then all of a sudden now he starts to think that having a child out of wedlock is nothing to be proud of, nor should I advertise it????? Wait I'm confused. So, I should pretend she doesn't exist, and when your friends come around and notice this teenage girl who sadly looks identical to her father with boobs, who apparently is my child, what the hell am I supposed to say then?  Keep in mind, when he does introduce her its almost as if he's ashamed of her, and when I introduce her, I do it with a smile, and proclaim it like there nothing wrong, and yet I'm still wrong for that??????Ugh,  I noticed in the past few months, Tony has stopped making payments on the car insurance, lapsed on home insurance, refuses to activate the home alarm system, and now our joint phone line doesn't allow me to send nor receive text messages.  I know something is up, but at this point with the kind of physical condition I am in, there's really nothing I can do.  I suffer through severe pain to clean, and cook, and try to prepare for my next child, and even though we live in a 4 bdrm home, he has refused to purchase our first child a bdrm set and set up their own room, sohe first child and the newbon will be sharing dressers, and a crib until he feels the first child should get their own room.  Frankly, I hate this arrangement, sometimes I think I'd be better off on my own where I could do things my way, but I tolerate it.  I resent his stupidity, like placing waste products like trash, food, garbage on the kitchen counter attacting insects, and then likening it to going to a restaurant, and an ass.  He refuses to buy our child vitamins knowing she needs it because he doesn't think it necessary.  I know marriage isn't easy but for good ness sake... Pray for me and my kids. I thank God my mom will be here but I dread the interaction with her and his family.  My dad and mom send my children so much to compensate for the lack of responsiblity my husband takes for our children.  And his ungrateful ass never says thank you.  i really do regret every marrying or  having met him.  I hate him I really do.