Forgive my Spelling and Grammatic errors

Looking back at all my posts, I realize I have made spelling and grammatic errors of astronomical proportions.  I have used the wrong tense, the wrong verbs, pronouns in place of proper nouns etc.  I apologize to readers that do follow this blog.  Because I am uncertain of how many followers I do have, I often write for myself, and aren't as concerned by mistakes because I am typing in the moment, and when all emotions are fresh, pained, and penetrating.  So, be patient with me.  I am human, and am going through alot right now.  I have no real support system to guide me through this. 

All days aren't bad days in marriage ....are they ...but in parenting...ugh

Why haven't I written in a while because I've been too busy being sick from pregnancy, and enjoying the mediocre yet civil treatment my spouse have given me.  He believes he treats me like a queen, and compared to how I'm usually treated, and spoken to, I'll take any kind of civility from him.  So, married people is this one of those pick your battles blogs?  Yes it is.  Sometimes, it sad but we often should just let things go for our own peace of mind, and sanity.  If you know you're married to an ass, you have several options , either tolerate them, move one with your life, find a way to make your daily existence more meaningful, and less about them being a part of it, or simply cater to their ego so they can't make your life more miserable than it already is.

So, yesterday speaking of battles, after a few days of civility we're riding in the car, and he gets on the phone with his sibling who I despise and the feeling is mutual.  They speak daily often 4 to 5 times daily, and he receives 2X calls from his mother.  Ok I'm baffled by all of this.  I don't see the point, nor comprehend what they need  to discuss frequently.  So, as in typical fashion, I do my best not to interrupt the conversation, nor indicate that I am within earshot, but yet somehow it always happens he asks me a question, I may not answer correctly, and he reprimands me disrespectfully that I am always amased he can even speak to anyone in that manner, and when I call him on it, and I swear he does it to show his family he cares nothing for me.  So, i'm livid but I remain calm and ask why do you always do that?  And he flies off the handle in typical a****le fashion.  At this point I'm pist so I wait till we get home to unleash all the fury I have.  I go off.  Damn it recalling it all now I am soooo oooooooooodamn it.  I have never resented someone as much in my life. 

As for kids....I'll be honest with you.. it is  a pleasure to talk to other parents that share similar parenting woes, and joys.  For example, my 16 month old has learned to manipulate her father into getting what she wants, and that is always at the expense of triggering an arguement between he and I. I want her to eat more,  he thinks I shouldn't force her to, I share my fries with her which is one of the few things she will eat, he yells at me for teaching her unhealthy habits, I won't give her my pringles chips, and he accuses me of denying her food.  He's teaching her to climb the stairs on her own which is ungated, I tell him she shouldn't go near the stairs unsupervised (2 weeks ago it happened), when I getting ready to shower I take her off the bed and put her in her crib or play pin, he complains I'm caging her and let her be free, he leaves her unattended on our elevated bed, he leaves his shows, and clothes everywhere for me to pick up after him, and when she grabs hold of his shoes, he yells that I'm exposing her to harm because I allow her to pick up his shoes.  When I feed her in the morning she won't eat oatmeal, but will eat the gerber canned foods, he doesn't want me feeding her processed foods, he says he'll feed her and after 10 minutes of her refusal to eat with him , he claims she's not hungry, forcing me to find what she will eat , and having extra dirty dishes for me to wash.  God forbid I go out to get groceries and leave her in his care, he won't change her diaper, nor will he feed her while I'm gone, and God forbid she poops, he won't go near her at all, yet I am perpetually called lazy, careless, I swear when it comes to parenting we aren't on the same page and I feel as though I can't win. And who takes full advantage of all this?  My 16month old.   So, what do I do?  Is it the parenting that's the problem or the lack of collaboration and cohesiveness in our relationship altogether.


I pray that God forgives me because I truly hate the man I married.  I regret everyday I am with him. 

Where's My Dinner? Ugh you Pig!

So, the past few days have not been as miserable as usual though had it been someone else they may think otherwise.  Anyway, it was better than usual.  So, I blow my back out chasing my child around the house in an attempt to get a poppy diaper changed.  My husband's spouse of an outing for my children and I is taking us location scouting.  Scouting for an office space for lease to start a new business. So, we pile into the car in 30 degree weather looking for locations.  This experience is quite horrid for most but since I have come to the realization I am married to a complete inconsiderate A-hole I have sadly began to become accustom to the yelling, flatuence, and for the third time I've been told I am lucky not to be beaten on a daily basis like the woman we saw beaten with a belt by her husband because she defied him.  I hope my daughter doesn't grow up to think this is how men should treat their wives or being spoken to in this manner is ok.  I pray she doesn't develop a deep seeded hatred of men, much like I did when I was old enough to realize the mental and emotional cruelty my father inflicted on my mother.  I know there are many types of men, but Why O' Lord why did I end up with such a low life piece of trash? I guess I am lucky that I'm not brutually beaten daily like many women.  Maybe I am lucky I'm not threatened with weapons like many women are.  Maybe I am lucky he hasn't attacked me in a few months.  Maybe I am lucky that all I get is threatened and warned when I get smart or refuse to do something these days.  Maybe I am lucky I get away with talking back.  Maybe I am lucky, I don't get jumped on anymore when I try to leave. I maybe lucky because I now serve breakfast in bed daily.  I have a hot meal sitting on the island right as he walks through the door, with a fake smile.  Maybe I am I'm lucky because we don't have sex anymore and though I desperately crave the affection, and warmth of cuddling, I'm lucky not to endure the selfish and painful sex sessions my spouse refers to as love making.  BTW, is it rape when you're in the middle and you tell your spouse you're hurting me, please slow down or stop, and he tells you he's almost done, and then drips and pins you down unable to move? Anyway, back to our scouting trip.  After being yelled out consistently to write down the leasing number posted on a sign, or call the number, or yelled at to leave a proper message, I'm told I'm lucky I didn't get slapped after my spouse let out 2 disgusting silent farts, which required me to roll down the car window, proceeds to belch, to which I comment " geez if its not coming out of your butt its coming out of your mouth" and when we get home this son of a bitch asks me where is my dinner?  Are you kidding me? What a pig!!!!!

When does the marriage blues go away?

I woke up this morning dreading my husband coming home.  Its sad, I truly don't look forward to seeing him.  He is the most selfish, careless, inconsiderate, tiresome, self absorbed son of a bitch, and I do mean that as I can't stand his mother, I've ever met.  As I chatted with my cousin yesterday about his marriage it occurred to me that he and his wife had come a very long way from where they used to be when they first got married.  I mean my cousin was constantly berading his wife, and yelling at her, but that has now all changed they have found some ground where there is a genuine respect for one another.  I had another family member that also went through a very bitter divorce and they too managed to get it together and led a very happy life, and come to a compromise that enabled them to resolve their marital woes, but how?  I've found that many people won't fully disclose what they had to do to truly rebuild the damage they'd done in their relationship.  My spouse believes that my world should center around pleasing him, and that is what life is about.  He has made it his goal to change me, and sadly I am extremely bothered by his efforts to do so.  I have never resented someone so much in my life.  I thought I had a deep seeded resentment toward my father for the abuse and tortre he put my mom through, and knowing this information my spouse tends to relay all our issues to how well behaved my mother was to my father and how much she did as she was told.  As a child I hated watching my father treat my mother with such lack of respect it sickened me.  On many occassions I would pray my mom would leave him, and even plead with her to do so, and what I got in turn was either a sound slap across the face, or a severe beating for suggesting such a thing.  My mom believes because my husband isn't as bad as my dad was that I shouldn't complain, but abuse is abuse no matter what the degree.  The memories haunt me, and sadly I fear my daughter my experience the same.  I watch how my husband treats her, and it frightens me, because he shows her kindness, sometimes so much it makes me uncomfortable the kind of affection he shows her.  Then turns around and treats me with complete disdain.  I hate him. I hate him for what he has done to me.  I pray for God to forgive me and give me strength to cope but its so very hard.  God help me please. PLEASE!!!!!

Happy New ? Yes, No, Maybe? What kind of year will you make it?

So, its been a while since I last blogged and I'd hoped I'd have a few people reading and posting to my blg by now but I guess at this point I can treat this as a public outlet to voice my opinions, frustrations etc.  So, on 12/ 31/09 I went to church much to the disapproval of my spouse.  I'll give him credit he has been consistent since before we got married.  Every year since we were dating he has consistently had a fit when it came time for me to got to church on New Year's.  Keep in mind he works on New Year's but would prefer I stay home and experience a misable evening alone rather than spend it with family or friends, or even strangers at some kind of prayer.  Let's reflect on 2009.  For me it was a hell of a year.  I went through a divorce, and then took it out of court, I realized that you are truly alone in this world, and no one but GOD almighty is there to see you through the most challenging part of your life.  I got some financial help from my parents but the emotional support I needed just wasn't there.  I never heard a word from one of my siblings throughout the entire process and yet, I recently discovered that my a$$**** of a brother in law has actually stayed in contact with my husband's inlaws throughout this period, and never once thought to pick up the phone to find out how my children and I were doing.  There were so many times I cried out in agony not understanding why I was going through this alone.  I have harbored so much resentment, and it is so hard to forget the pain many have put me through including to the SOB i'm married to now.  There are soooo many days, I fake a smile, pretend I am happy for the sake of trying not to be miserable, and each time, I know that SOB makes me sick to my stomach.  He'll never admit what he did to me.  He makes me visit the same family that did so many horrific things to me,  and I just endure it because I have no where else to go.  Each memory causes so much pain, each person that abandoned me, each time I try to turn to someone to listen and you realize they can'teven be bothered.  I've tried counseling and during my last session the counselor actually fell asleep.  Every session she tells me there's nothing she can do, and I think then why the hell do I pay you to not listen and not give me any sound advice?  If I had real friends and family I surely wouldn't be here. Every painful memory leads me to contemplate a painful existence.  Then the New Year comes, and I wan't sure what resolution to make.  I realized how happy I was to be away from people, away from critiism, pretense, false friendship, insults, failed attempts to develop a bond.  Failed attempts to get a job.  Hatred of a city that truly isn't wha you thought it would be.  So, this new year, I guess I am happy that I should glad when I am at home, I am far away from those that have hurt me.  When I am at home, I control who I talk to or how desperate I get for friendship, or companionship.  This year, I have resolved to stop being so desperate to be loved by my spouse, stop beig so desperate to have friends. Stop being so desperate to have someone understand me.  Because they never ever will.  NO one cares about how much I hurt everyday. No one cares what I am going through and I should stop expecting them to.  I am ok with that.  The less I deal with others the less I can be hurt.  So, I must resolve o focus on being a better mother.  I must resolve to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I must resolve to try to find happiness within myself.  I don't know why people say that cause it makes no damn sense.  How the hell do you find happiness when everyting that surrounds you is negative, and reminds you of everything painful you've ever hated or experienced. How do you find happiness in yourself?????? They always say things like women tend to look to a man to make them happy, and to be perfectly honest men do the same its just they find various vices of women to fill their void. Men either cheat, drink, indulge in food, drugs, sports, hobbies to avoid what makes them miserable.  Some women have mastered that, others still struggle to cope.  I guess I have ound my vice.  I will blog for me regardless if people read and shar my thoughts, views, etc.  I need to find an avenue to happiness.  It won't be easy, but it helps to know God is always here with me.  I just wish I could get a hug and rest his arms, and just escape.  Its amazing how little my husband cares when I hurt.  Its truly amazing but its quite fine.  I should be used to it by now.  I have to rely on me to make me happy.  I pray I have a happy new year.