Happy Birthday to me?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I had it all figured out.  I was going to do something charitable for someone else, as a gift to the world, rather than expecting anything from anyone.  I had it all figured out.  I searched a few charitable sites to find an event or something charitable to do, just so I could creat some spirit of peace and giving for myself, and start that process in believing that my life han't been completely selfish, and perhaps my life can have more meaning than the chaos I exist in this marriage. I have spent the past 2 weeks avoiding my husband, after what he did to me 2 weekends ago.  If I didn't already blog about it let me tell you what this SOB did.  So, I'm feeling lousy and everytime I call him to tell him I don't feel well, he essentially tells me he doesn't give a damn and to stop calling him at work.  It doesn't matter what I say to him, he becomes completely defensive insulting, and down right nasty.  So, he comes home from work, and I tell him once more I'm not feeling well. So, he proceeds to berate me.  I quietly go to my room, and lay down, frustrated by the pain and the emotional abuse.  I sleep it off.  I wake up, and the SOB asks me what I want to eat, ugh like a moron I fall for it thinking that he'll do one nice thing and perhaps begin to treat me like a human being.  But no, after getting me the food I actually think we can be civilized to one another.  NOOOOO, how stupid of me to think I can be treated humanly for more than 10 minutes.  He starts on the whole, " thats why I don't like being around you, you get on my nerves, leave me the hell alone".  So, I decide I want to leave.  That's when the drama ensues.  Gosh I'm crying so much from what he did next that it sickens me just thinking about it. 

Now its getting UGLY!!!!

Last night the SOB I'm married to made a half ass attempt at treating me with an ounce of civility.  How long did that civility last? Oh about a microsecond....anyhoo, so I feeling th negative effects of pregnancy...chest pains, etc.  This has been on going for a few days.  You think the SOB would have some sympathy for me....nooooooo... instead he yells at me, bitches to me about how he's not my doctor, and I should go get one.  Ok so, I want to go to urgent care, but he's in one of those the minute we get outside moods he's going to go off.  He's looking for any reason, and gets to the point that he's so desperate to trigger an argument or a fight that when i don't fall for it and aren't reeled into his games, he literally calls the medics and proclaims I am experiencing depression, and I am in need of a dolly or stretcher to remove me from the home.  I am appaulled and surprised when I  first encounter the guys in my home, and to ma`ke matters worse why are firemen so damned hot? Anyhoo, so I tearfully start to explain that my spouse and I have marital problems, and I simpy wanted to get away from my spouse and sat in the car after numerous requests for him to move his car from behind mine.  I was floored at what levels my spouse would stoop to make me look bad.  I truly hate him.  I hope he burns in hell.  The worst of this story is my misguided parents that so strongly believe in this dysfunctional relationship, that my father asked me to get off his phone, and my mother proclaimed she would not send me any funds to help me get out of the situation.  My life has taken such a sad sad turn. 

Being watched and monitored, at this point your relationship must be pretty bad

I have been spending way too much time talking to my husband's nephew.  I assumed since we're closer in age than he and I are then perhaps we could relate to issues that my spouse and I simply aren't on the same page.  Anyhoo, I have come to realize that I am surrounded by strangers, enemies, foes.  No one I am currently affiliated with has my best interest in mind.  My spouse nephew has now been living with us for almost a month, and I realize he is essentially here to monitor me, and watch what I do.  He even made mention to fact that he is uncomfortable with how much we argue.  Imagine that.  And funny enough the idiot then goes on to say that its the cussing that bothers him the most.  Ok let me explain what he means by cussing.  He over heard me call my spouse a GOAT.  But for some odd reason the fact that my husband threatens to do bodily harm to me doesn't remotely bother him, nor the fact that my husband yells at me consistently and in his presence, tell him that its common for men to do so, and I should just take it and be quiet.  I am simply disgusted by all this.  I'm not really sure what to do at this point.  I have to watch what I say and do, even with my toddler who is less I say off the chain.  His nephew even commented that "you am feeding her chef boyRdee again.  I thought you were going to start cooking for her?"  Ok, um WTF????? how in the hell are you going to dictate to me what I'm supposed to feed my child.  My child doesn't like nor has the palette for our native food which is just too spicy and often times disgusting, I'll be honest I can't eat goat, gizzard, cow tongue, cow foot, cow skin, tripe, fish head, etc.  I start to gag.  The smell alone makes me nauseaus.  If I can't muster the smell, or the look, how can I try to force my child to eat it? Did, I mention his nephew has tried to place dinner orders?  I'm like look here buddy, this ain't burger king you can't get it your way.  Who in the hell does this A-hole think he is.  Its bad enough the SOB lied to me about going on a date with some chick that calls my house on a daily, then when I loaned him my cell phone they forwarded the messages on the phone somewhere but I don't know where.  I am so glad I have my counseling sessions each week cause all this would drive me f--ing crazy.  Did I mention how much of liar my spouse is?  Oh yes, he lies that I took his keys and I hid his stuff etc, and I had to call his job to check to see if he borrowed the keys which of course he didn't , then when he complained that he didn't have the keys to our bedroom, he tried to use the key and realized he was cold busted his key had been there all along.  I hate trying to prove I am right , or that people are lying.  I am so tired of living this way.  Oh let me not mention my a-hole gyn.  OMG, this SOB really ripped into me yesterday, simply because I asked a few questions about the progress of my baby.  Seriously, I'm tired of being everyone's doormat.  I hate being treated like shit, and one of these days I will assert myself, and walkout on everyone. 

How can life get to this point?

Last night I get a call from a friend that had a baby a few months after I did.  She's a few years older than my self, makes a 6 figure salary owns her own home, has a luxury car, and decided at 40 she would have a baby with her bestfriend, and recent lover/boyfriend.  Well, they lived thousands of miles apart, he in NY she in LA.  I asked her how she would manage such a relationship, because I myself went through the same ordeal only to discover when I married my jackass, I really didn't know as much as I should have before marrying him.  Sadly, she is facing the same fate.  Her jackass leaves his blackberry at her house and she uncovers his emails, flight plans etc for the past 2 years.  While he's been giving her excuses as to why he could make it for the delivery of their son, of why his travel time is limited and can only visit his son once every 3 months, turns out this son a bitch has been in a different state, with a different woman for the past 3 years.  Periodically making time for his son, and what we thought was his girlfriend.  Whats worse is, when my friend forwarded all the emails to all the other women, turns out the majority of them are married, and were perfectly content with their arrangement.  This sent a very scary chill up my spine.  You see, my son of a bitch proudly maintains a relationship with his babymama, and 2 ex girfriends and god knows who else.  He keeps his phone accounts locked by passwords and all mail items mailed to his sister's office and other many PO boxes.  He continues to lie to me about his whereabouts, and as much as the emotional, physical, and pschological abuse pains me, the fact that I have forgiven him again and again, and yet his deceit continues while refusing to release me from the pain and anguish he's inflicted on me is overwhelming, I wonder why he continues to lie.  I have never pegged him to be a man of any integrity, and sadly he tells me that his nephew is watching me, and watching my behavior.  The other day I had to call the cops to file a report because this son of a bitch had threatened me, and though his nephew was present, I strongly doubt he will be truthful to what he saw or what transpired.  Then to make matters worse I get a letter from my union about my membership.  I mean, WTF!!!!!, Can I be such a horrible person to be in a perpetual state of misery because of this man.  I have tried to make myself happy through prayer, focusing on my daughter, and building on her intellectual strengths but sadly, the abundant amount of time we spend together is taking a serious toll on me.  Its me and the baby 24/7, my only breaks come when I attend weekly counseling.  I thought counseling would help me either change to meet his needs or garner enough strength to pack up and leave.  I truly hate him.  I regret everyday I see him.  I regret I married him. I regret moving here for him, I regret trying to make others happy.  Worse of all, I hate the impact its making on our kids.  I pray God grants me a miracle, cause I need one and soon.

Happy Anniversary my @$$

I truly can not believe how much of an asshole my husband is.  I mean of the worst kind. So, this weekend was our legal marriage anniversary, and wedding anniversary.  Why 2?  LOL funny enough we had 3 weddings.  One in February 2 years ago, and 2 in April.  Either I regret all 3 of those days.  I can not believe how much I truly hate my husband.  Not only did he on our anniversary threaten to beat me in the presence of his 30 old nephew, but also accused me of stealing his keys to his job.  I am like wtf?  Whats worse is when I tried to report the threat.  The asshole cop that called me back sits there and tells me some bullshit about he was just fussing at you and I'm not going to make a report.  OMG!!!! why do I live like this?  Our child has become a casualty in our marriage.  She is used a  pawn to trigger any argument we have.  I have been to counseling, I go to church and continue to ask god for him to change but nothing happens.  I have no idea what else to do.  I have no money, no job, nothing to financially walk out and be ok.  If anyone reads my blog and can refer me to a great lawyer that will take my case probono I will be so grateful.