No Money No Place to go

Last week, after the A-hole told me he was going to force our daughter to stay at a school that just wasn't suited to our needs to teach me a lesson for not choosing the better school simply because I didn't want her attending the same school as his ex girlfriend's daughter.  Ok let's recap on history when it comes to this woman.  The very first time he struck me was because of this woman.  Then, after sitting up for several hours 5 months pregnant attempting to help him get his assignment completed, this SOB rushes over to her house to get the forms he could have retrieved from his male colleagues.  But to be very honest, she wasn't the only reason I didn't want our daughter going to that school. Truth was our neighbors kids go there, and the shame of knowing they were aware of the violence, and abuse, and the dysfunction  that went on in our home. I was too embarrassed to send my child to a school where anyone would find out how dysfunctional our house is.  The number of times the cops came to the house, was astounding, and I was so ashamed I choose somewhere else, on top of not wanting his ex's kids attending that school as well. I have cried out for help. I complain about to to anyone who will listen, and at the end of the day. I just come off as pathetic.  Its crazy but I am a certified loser.  There's no if, and, or buts about it.  I have reached loser status.  I am so unhappy I want to leave but then, reality sets in. Where in the hell am I going to go? Where are my children and I going to live? How will we survive?  I don't want to put my kids in a shelter with God knows what kind of criminals, and mental cases?  How am I going to store my things? How will I take care of my kids?  I have nothing to my name. I literally have $4 in my checking account. And $12 in my savings account.  Many looking in would say shut up and take it be happy you have a roof over your head, and food to eat... but at what price?  Self worth , sanity, peace of mind are tremendous.  I truly understand why mental abuse is considered a form of abuse. The mind is a fragile component that doesn't require much to be broken, or damaged permanently. I am damaged goods. Sadly, my sad state is impacting my children. Somebody help me please! I have prayed, and I don't know what else to do.  Its amazing how people run away from those in need.

Years later and I'm still miserable

I'd practically forgotten about this blog. It used to be my only outlet to expressing my true feelings about everything happening in my life.  Let's see, in th past 2 years, I've tried to make new friends, and failed. The chances of building any relationship with all my inlaws is a complete disaster, and I will tell you in my next post about living with the hissing, spitting, and disgusting, and no I don't mean a pet, mother in law from hell. This woman is SATAN returned. My situation is just as sad, lonely, and completely hopeless.  I thought things would get better when my step daughter left, but then my mother in law showed up.  Its been one rotating nightmare after the other, then my husband's lazy nephew came to live here as well, and when I asked if my cousin could move in untill he found a place, I was told no because its not his job to take care of anyone in my family.  I hardly talk to my own family because all I do is complain about my kids, my spouse who is a complete asshole. I love my kids so much, but being around them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is truly starting to drive me to madness. I've had to do so many thing I thought I'd never ever resort to.
1. Got Medicaid for my kids, because the asshole got fired didn't tell me about it and then refused to get another job , or get our children health insurance.
2. Got on Food stamps. OMG yes, its awful, but so helpful all at once. The actual shame of presenting the card at the check out counter, and I swear it seems the harder you try to be discreete about your use of the card, the louder, and more obnoxious the cashiers are at the grocery store.
3. Had to start working for peanuts. I do side jobs to make enough money to put gas in my car, because the asshole throws a fit each time I ask for money, or simply refuses to give me any money. Whats worse, he won't even come home in time to allow me to work nights  to work around his schedule. 
4.Used up all my savings and all my retirement money just to maintain myself and my kids.  The asshole refuses to buy them clothes and shoes and things they need.
5. Have had to start selling old clothes. Rather than donating my or my children's old clothes, I go to resale stores and sell the items for 1/3 what they originally cost sometimes even less than that. 
6. Shaved off my hair as not to have to get my hair done.  Found out that barber schools only charge $3-5 for a hair cut. 
7. Beauty schools charge $3-8 for manicure/pedicure or a color change. 
8. Go to the Dollar stores to buy $1 soap, detergent, and other items the asshole wont buy for me and the kids
I could go on and on.  But I am truly poor.  I live in a house with a selfish pig who won't do a damn thing to help anyone but himself, and I am truly poor.  He tells me he wants to build a swimming pool in the back yard, but won't help me pay for a tune up.  He says he bought himself a plane ticket to visit his friends this summer, and got a King suite for himself, but won't let me and the kids take a bus ride to go visit my family.  I have to go with my kids to get my car fixed while they yell, scream, fight, and kick each other at the stores,library, doctor's office, and he tells me he's going to a bar to watch the Pacquio fight with his boys.  This is not what I signed up for.  This is not love, this is not marriage this is a freaking nightmare, that I just don't know how to get out of.  I'm criticized daily for everything, what I cook, how I cook, how I discipline the kids, how I dress, how I speak to people on the phone, how I ask questions at the doctor's office, how I clean, how I interact with my family ( he especially loves to tell me how no body likes me).  I've often given up on prayer because I think God may be tired of me too. Marriage sucks!!!! Being a mother is not what I thought it would be. I love my kids, but they are unruly, loud, obnoxious, but I have no one to blame but me.  And years later I am still miserable.