Loneliness and neglect, what dreams may come

I avoid interacting with anyone from sheer fear of rejection, and being made fun of. At my kids school, they talk so badly about me behind my back it's painful. They call me stupid. Crazy. No matter how hard I try to be polite, or appear sincere, I am socially awkward. So, I hide at home. Afraid to interact with people. Afraid to be seen. I hate being looked at. I hate having to speak to anyone. But, I'm constantly put in situations where I'm with my kids that draw huge and negative attention my way. I'm scared of the world. Why do I feel this way? I know my fear is affecting my kids. I'm embarrassed to take them places because they always show out. I want to crawl and hide where no one will find nor see me. I hate that I'm like this.

What a vile and disgusting person.

This bastard has been farting and belching all day. The house stinks, and when I attempt to crack a window, he yells. What a disgusting vile person. I wonder if his mistress smells, and sees this side of him, because there can't be a woman alive that would smell him, and look at him and not be repulsed by him. He's just so gross.

Does being attractive determine how we're treated?

I'm at the gym today. I go to Zumba as usual. The instructor rarely comes anywhere near me. He rarely ever says hello. I usually give a smile as a greeting, and though my teeth are spaced and crooked, I do my best to show a friendly side. But still nothing. I hate wearing make up because out here people react to me with stares and snickers and I'm always confused by this because I assume I look halfway decent, but people's reaction would make me think otherwise. The son of a bitch I'm married to either comes home late every week night, and parties with his friends on the weekend while I'm stuck with the kids for 16 hours. Can you imagine trying to keep 2 young kids busy for 16 hours without TV? How much can they play? Color?, nap? It's maddening. But I'm often grateful not to have to face the cruel world that laughs at me, or whispers behind their hands, or pretend not to giggle when I walk in the room. How ugly am I? It's weird. I think I am far prettier than the way the world sees me. I overcompensate with the kindness and humility, only to be treated worse. My kids are no help, I try to avoid attention, but my kids make a scene almost everywhere we go. It's become second nature. So, I've decided to stop going places with them. They've simply become a nuisance, crying, throwing tantrums, misbehaving, throwing things in stores, breaking things, knocking stuff over, falling down, , or injuring themselves. I am just tired of it. I love them dearly, but damn it I need a damn break. I work out to relieve stress and they go to the children's play room at the gym, and rather than run around and release their energy as their supposed to, they actually sit, color, watch TV. This confuses the hell out me because they run a damn muck once we go anywhere else. The point is I'm tired of being treated badly. I can't be quasi moto. So why the fuck am I treated so damn bad?

Paranoia this is real!

So, I'm out and about yesterday looking for winter clothing for my kids. I noticed a car follow me onto the freeway. I turn left they turn left. I turn right, they turn right. I exit, they exit. So I try to lose them making random turns etc, and suddenly they realize what I'm doing and take off. I go to Burlington coat factory, a lady walks in the same time I do. I start to leave and there she is leaving without buying anything. I is my car, & the lady sits in her car pretending to do make up. My husband can tell me about conversations I've had when he's not at home. I know I'm being recorded. There are things missing and showing up in awkward places. Will calling the cops help?

What you don't know can hurt you.

This morning I overhear the bastard whispering on the phone to his sibling about something. Of course I also hear him whisper he's going to try to bring the kids over. This of course is after leaving the house at 10PM without a word and returning home at 2AM. What am I doing here? What is the point in my living here if we don't communicate at all? To make matters worse I get this stupid email from my child's school asking about an inhaler, but in reality I wasn't informed of anything. Do you know what it's like to be left in the dark about everything. I tell him everything but he shares nothing. Why am I even here?

Ugly on the outside & inside

How painful is it when you know everyone thinks you're ugly? When you make an effort not to be as hideous, that mask seems to scare people more. So then what? How do you face the world when they think you are ugly but u find yourself to be not so bad. I'm polite, considerate, and it does nothing. Ugly people get treated really badly. I'm treated poorly no matter what, frankly I'm tired of it.

The ups and downs

Every marriage has its ups and downs, but what happens when the marriage is in a perpetual state of conflict? What happens when things are always bad? Then what? Do you throw in the towel and give up on everything? Do you give up on everyone? How do you avoid the perpetual turbulence when it is created and maintained by one person that you can't separate from? Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that is associated with that person? Including kids? How does one build an environment that festers habitual hatred rather than compassion? I've been living with these questions for a very long time. Repeatedly asking myself, is it me? What do I do? Why can't I make any headway? I can't get a handle of what it is. But I know at some point it must come to an end. Because whatever festers under, will bubble over into something more powerful than imaginable. God puts people in our lives for a reason. He gives us free will to move forward, move on, or turn back. I must do something to improve the state of my being. Find happiness. How? And Where? Sigh!

Social misfit

This school year, got off to the same rough start as last year. My child's teacher is a self righteous, condescending know it all that talks too much, and doesn't know her place. I'm wondering, Am I too demanding? Are my expectations too high? Am I completely unrealistic? But, I have gone out of my way to be courteous, not step on people's toes, always apologizing for potentially being a nuisance, and I can't seem to click with anyone. Is it me? Am I a misfit? How come I struggle to get along with others? Why am I always so afraid of the world and scared of outcomes? I've given up on my marriage, hate my kids school, detest my kids teachers, annoyed by their physician, loathe my in -laws, irritated by my family, lack friends, and on the bring of a break down dealing with my kids & their medical problems. I myself desperately need medical care and haven't gotten any in 3 years. My hair is graying, and I'm constantly fearful of being labeled, but here I am, a damn misfit!!! I don't fucking belong any where. I'm afraid of spanking my kids, and lord knows they really are in need of extreme discipline. I want to crawl and hide somewhere and be left alone. I'm tired of being a damn misfit!!!!

Steve Harvey Show is actually good.

So I'm not a Steve Harvey fan. I never found him all that funny. Actually, I prefer Cedric the Entertainer, but I digress. So, yesterday I turn on the TV as I'm folding laundry and its on the Steve Harvey Show. The daytime talk show. As I pick up the remote to change the channel, I hear him talking about achieving success. How he achieved his success took a 5 step plan. And I'll be damned if it didnt make a lot of sense. I found myself glued to the TV for the remaining 30 minutes of the show, and tuned in for today's segments that were funny and insightful. I'm loving the tailgating 360 grill and fryer all in one. Anyway, it's a great replacement to Oprah. I'm a fan now.

Get the chip off your shoulder

I hate to play the race card, however considering I am considered aminority by majority standards I'm going to talk about some people with chips on their shoulder. For a long time I hated the stereotype of the angry black woman or the black woman with a chip on her shoulder. I have hated the DMV stereotypical angry, fat, lazy black woman with really bad attitude providing less than mediocre service to the masses. You know the Mrs. Dabney from "Good Luck Charlie". The abnoxiously rude and slow postal worker behind the counter. Ok, so today, I go to Zumba class not only is the black instructor late, but has the audoscity to have an attitude about his class beginning without him. Wait, then he asks the patrons which workout routine we want, when we answer he has the nerve to go with the other option. Wait, let's not talk about the angry black mom at the barber shop that insists on making everyone miserable including barbers and patrons because she's angry about whatever life has done to her. Cursing and carrying on in front her children and mine.  Look, as y'all may have read, my life isn't all roses. But, I am grateful to anyone who treats me or my kids with kindness and respect. I appreciate good people. I am so sick of black people, and other minorities thinking they are entitled and justified in being crass, ignorant, crude, disrespectful and ignorant. So lady with an attitude at the barber shop, Zumba instructor who was late, society doesn't owe you a damn thing and you both can kiss my ass!!!!

S.O.S please help

After an appointment with my kids doctor, I felt brow beaten, and dejected. I have begged for help from anyone who will listen, and have come to the conclusion that I am falling apart. I have been torn down everyday for 6 years, and now I am seeking help from anyone who can help me. This isn't healthy anymore, and I am not strong enough to handle it on my own.

Cancer news and his reaction

Seriously how much of an insensitive DICK can one man be? I mean seriously! I told him my sister's diagnosis and you know what this son of a stupid bitch said?  "So! What do you want me to do?" I then said, I needed his help to buy tickets for the kids and I to return to my home town during the holidays to visit my family and see her. He says,  "I don't have money for your family. She works, why can't she travel here? I'm not spending any money to support you visiting your sister because she's sick. Go get a job and go wherever you like, but don't ask me for anything related to your family. It's not my fault she has cancer. You dont contribute anything to this family but want to ask me for money. Ask her to come here. Her illness isn't my problem".  I damn near lost it. I mean that insensitive, drippy dick, bad breathe, body odor, crooked teeth, yellow teeth, cromagnum forhead, ugly, sexually selfish, inconsiderate, lazy, vile, disgusting, messy, dirty, mama's boy, and all round stupid son of a bitch has the nerve to equate my sister's ailment to my lack of employment???? I hope his mother, and sister both suffer a fate  worse than cancer that ignorant son of a bitch. I hope what happened to Pharoh Ramses curses his sister and his mother. I hope God crushes every dream and aspiration they have for their children, and themselves. How he be sooooo fucking evil? What kind of animals raised this bastard? What the hell did I do to be treated this badly even for the sake of my sister?  Why won't God smit him and his evil evil ways. I wish God would hand down a punishment on him, his sister and mother so great and painful it will affect only his sister's kids, grand kids and great grand kids ( not mine). they are so damn evil. To add insult to injury this son a bitch went clubbing last night.  Then woke up at 2pm ate up the food I made for the kids, and went galavanting the streets. Lord, please help keep me strong enough to find a good lawyer to accept my divorce case cause I do not want to spend another year with this animal. Vile, despicable, FOUL, miserable, evil, son of a stupid ass bitch!!!!? I hope they all burn in hell.

Breast Cancer and the letter

My sister sent me a picture of herself and my niece at a concert. I noticed her wearing a really awkward hat. When my niece graduated 8th grade, there again was another ugly hat upon my sister s head in the photos. When she went surfing, again another ugly sun hat. My sister has always had a full head of hair. Wild and sometimes untamable. But no more photos of said hair just the hats, so I asked, what's with the hats? To which, rather than get another short text msg, I got a letter. I received a letter, a year after being diagnosed with breast cancer, a year after surgery, chemo, hair loss, weight loss, crying spells, and now remission. You see I've heard the remission news before, only for my kid brother to die 3 months later. The letter was written like a a good bye, or a just in case. I live many miles away bitching and complaining about a shithead husband who yells at me daily, and used to beat me before he knew I could use the law to destroy his career, and take away what he owns, so instead he yells, and belittles me, and treats me like crap, and I tell everyone who will listen. But my sister suffered alone in silence, going on with her life, surfing, teaching, meditating, mothering, and teaching as though nothing were wrong. Why????? I don't understand. How could she be so giving of herself, and be suffering alone? My mom knew all along, no wonder she could care less about my idiotic problems. My sister suffered alone. And then sent us all this letter. What do I do now?

Im no Sherlock Holmes

I've been watching BBC's "Sherlock Holmes". I admire his intelligence, and finesse. Aside from the fact that Sherlock Holmes by Sir Conan Doyle was a far more troubling and disturbed character than what has been popularized. He did opium, I believe turn of the century version of crack and heroine rolled into one. He was rude, distrustful, and had a grave disdain for human life. I am no Sherlock Holmes. I lack all the things that make him quick witted, process information quickly, and read through people and their bullshit. I have not been able to accomplish that. Instead I suffer daily indignities. Jabs at my intelligence at the expense of many.  Excursating bouts of anxiety. My hair will be completely white from stress before I turn 40. God I need you. Guide my life. Please.

Glutton for abuse?

I woke up this morning looking a prayer to help cope with the pain and struggle I go thru everyday.  I try my best to do the right thing by my kids, and it always back fires on me. I am treated like shit everyday. I have people that are rude and inconsiderate to my kids and I when we're out shopping or other places. Please keep in mind my children are not the best behaved children in the world. Either one or both kids are acting up, yelling, being loud, crying, or fighting. It is quite a challenge trying to control them in public. To make matters worse, I have not mastered the art of keeping them distracted while I shop. They can't help me pick out items because they can't read the grocery list. They can't read the labels on the shelves, and have broken items in the past. Not only are my kids often obnoxious in public, while driving, and at home, but they lack my full attention as I grapple with my emotional and mental state of mind that is often caused by their abusive father. If he's not yelling at me, calling me names in public, and treating me like i am lower than the maggots that eat through decayed flesh or pooh, he's ignoring me, or pretending I do not exist. I am tired of being treated badly. Yesterday, I had a meeting with the school's principal who also is an extremely condescending bitch. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance and help, but nothing changes. I have been working out for 3 weeks straight, and I'm not sure if I've lost any weight. My life is so miserable. I want to run away. But I have no place to go. I don't want to leave my kids here to suffer with their father. God I need a miracle.

Zumba!!!!!

I love Zumba!!!! My sorrows and woes disappear when shaking my Bon bons in Zumba class!!!!

I miss being loved

As I finish the school year calendar, penciling in half days, off days, doctors appointments and so forth I to my planner at 4AM I realize how lonely I am. I am so so lonely. I spend a lot of time with my kids, but no friends, no companionship, no love, no affection. I fantasize daily about the perfect man that would sweep me off my feet, and the perfect emotional bond we'd have, but reality sets in, and I'm laying in bed alone, wishing I had someone to hold me, and make me feel loved. I have not felt loved, I mean genuinely loved in over 10 years. I knew my first husband loved me, but we were young, & clueless. Besides, he was a cheater but he sure is hell tried to make amends for the hurt he caused. This one? I'm so confused. I hope God forgives me for the sin of lust while married. I've never acted on my need to be loved. It's not physical. It's an emotional need. Luckily, the only men that approach me are weirdos. Either they are married and ready to cheat. Or they are very awkward. Or just creepy. I want love. Nurturing, care and kindness. Love is so beautiful when done right. We're just 2 people living in the same house who don't like nor respect each other. I wish God would help me to love myself more so I can be more loving toward my children. I need love.

On the prawl... I'm too old to be looking

So, I was at the gym today. I came to the sad realization that I am in my mid 30's, and not getting younger. As I watched younger patrons strutting and show casing their tight physique, I looked my graying hair that I refuse to dye, and said "I'm not the hottest nor youngest anymore". As I worked harder on the eliptical machine, I found myself staring at some of the most enticing men. Each time one looked my way, I'd frown and give "the hell you lookin' at?" Face. Deep down wishing to be younger and prettier. I'd always been comfortable with my own skin. I knew I had gaps but still a cute smile. I knew I sometimes got acne, but looked smashing with make up on. I shaved off my hair cause frankly, I figured my face was pretty enough to pull it off, and if not one like it... Well screw them. I prided myself on being a unique beauty. I prided myself on not looking, nor acting like anyone else. But today, I felt age. I'm not speaking of aches and pains. I mean the age insecurity. As I stared at this adorable Asian guy with the nicest shaped ass I'd ever seen on a guy, and the huge hunky blonde twins at the weights. I was actually glad I was invisible. No one gave me a 2nd look nor was I remotely an afterthought. No one even acknowledged my presence. I was sad, but relieved at the same time. But, am I old enough to be a prawling cougar? Im not really hunting, just staring. Ugh, age,

Guilt? Hush Money? Lottery winnings? Apology gift?

Ok so, the douche bag ( better known as my husband) up and writes me 2 checks today. The first one to buy supplies for the kids for school, which I was surprised by that. By the way, I know the bastard is using the checks as a form of establishing he gives me money, in case we go to court. Considering this cheap SOB hasnt been giving me money over the years. im glad to see some. Still doesnt change the fact thst hes a douche. Cuz I think he knows I am serious about leaving his ass this time. Anyway, when I get back from a nightmarish school shopping excursion. He proceeds to announce he's going to a party with his friend, and he's writing me a check to buy an outfit for the party next month. Hell, I'd rather use the money to buy a new vaccumm and get the carpet cleaned. Either way, why in the hell would I go to a party of his friend that knows our marriage is dysfunctional and falling apart? I mean is he freaking kidding? Wait, then he says he wants to go to dinner tomorrow night. Now I'm confused. Didn't he just call me a financial parasite and a leech last week? Am I not the baine of his existence? So, why the 360? Omg! Did he win the lottery? Are we getting the divorce and this is go away money? I just don't get it. Not only is he shady, I told y'all he's bipolar. I swear there is something wrong with him. He needs Jesus. Crazy ass!!!!

Craving something else

Truth is I never really wanted to marry someone like him. I'm not physically attracted to him. I never thought he was all that interesting or bright. Seriously, I'm not really sure how he got his medical degree cause  he never seemed that bright, nor worldly.  He prided himself on the etiquette he was taught at his all boys school in his rural home town. And the results are, he farts all day long, chews with his mouth open, smells awful, has bad breath, yellow teeth, and an awkward sense of humor. Why'd I marry him? At first he seemed sweet and harmless. Sort of like a confused puppy. By the time I knew his true personality and that he'd lied about everything about himself, like wanting to become a deacon in church.... Bulls** ...a deacon in the strip club or that pays for sex? ( he truly is vile) I was preggers, and stuck. I fantasize all the time about the kind of man I really want. A truly religious & spiritual man, with a genuinely good and kind heart. A man that is funny, can communicate. A man that is honest and loyal, and doesnt have any attachment issues to siblings or parents. A man thats accomplished but extremely humble. A man that is generous but not obnoxious about it. A man I don't need to have alcohol to get intimate with. A man that turns me on just by his presence and conversation. Rather than repulsing me like my spouse now. It's odd I tend not to look at people when I'm out so I don't make eye contact. But, I've seen a few men that I find very attractive. I'd never pursue anything, cuz a. I'm out of shape and not much to look at these days. B. unlike the philandering rotten bastard that goes to strip clubs and comes home at 11 at night, I have vows and will uphold them, till a judge sets me free of this miserable enslavement of a marriage. But, mmmmmm I crave a sexy asian. Or even a mix of racial blends. Anyway, fantasy over.

One more thing. When will I feel love again? Will true love ever find me? Does love even exist? I don't think African  men know how to love.  Look at the blade runner. Think of most African men you've known or met, mmmhhhmmm no love there. They are selfish pigs that believe love centers around them and making them feel good. Part of African culture doesn't allow, not teach the ideals, and the practice of selfless love. Hell even African American men practice the same selfishness here. Womanizing, producing multiple illegitimate children, and being irresponsible. No wonder most cultures shun away from allowing their children to date or marry someone of African (regardless of color) or African American descent. Middle Eastern men are also guilty of selfishness. Ok, I've said my peace, just wish love was out there for me.

Bipolar or just psycho?

There was another episode 3 days ago, where "the monster" after I ask him to get the kids medical insurance proceeds to tell me it's not his responsibility to get the kids insurance, and why can't I do it?  Then begins his verbal tirade on how in his words, I am a "financial parasite", "useless", "stupid", and he's not responsible for me.  There's more insulting and abusive language, but it's late and I'm too tired to type it all. Anyway, the next day wakes up, and decides he wants to take the kids and I out to buy shoes. Or course, I refuse to go. The next day he suggests we all travel and take a short cruise down to Mexico. I'm like um ok? WTF?!!! Though it would be nice to vacation with my kids. I don't feel like being cussed out, yelled at nor humiliated in public. I don't want an altercation. To ensue leaving me without an escape while on vacation. He's never sorry for being a prick. He's never remorseful. He's either bipolar, or schizo either way. I'm not being stuck in a box with that son of a bitch for any reason. I wish he could get psychiatric help. He's freaking nuts. According to the urban dictionary bipolar disorder describes a person who has frequent mood swings triggered by something minute. It has drastic impact on their lives, and on the lives of those around them. I really believe something is truly wrong with him. I can't say for certain he's bipolar but something is wrong.

Non profits are a crock!!!

Yes, you read correctly non-profits are a crock. I called legal aide cause I need a lawyer so I can leave this monster once and for all, and they turned me down again cause my case seems too complex. WTF, does that mean? They don't want to help me cause its just to hard to get involved in helping a woman escape a nightmare marriage, but it's far easier to attempt to save a convict on death row of their innocence? I mean WTF???????? So, I'd have a better chance of getting a lawyer to represent me for free had I been convicted of killing someone? But no if I'm trying to save myself and my kids?  What kind of screwed up world do we live in? Wait it gets worse, so after being turned down for legal aide, then I seek counseling to help me cope with what I'm enduring, and the counselor never seems to be in her office. She won't return my calls, and never seems to be available. And this is another non- profit . So, how do I escape with my kids, and get somewhere safe, with no plan? Non profits have left me to simply die here.

After feeling sorry for myself for several hours. I knelt down to pray. I prayed for God to help take control, and have order in my life. I prayed for the grace to let God lead. There are certain aspects of our lives we control, and some that are out of our hands. I ask for divine intervention for both.
My life is not ideal. My marriage is a failure. My children are smart and beautiful, and deserved to be loved and filled with happiness. I need to begin the process of change. Change is coming. I will succeed in the end.

I couldn't hear the sermon

Ok, I know this is my forum to publicly vent anonymously. Sad, but I try to keep my sanity by venting my real feelings here. Perhaps one day should anything happen to me, someone will discover this and understand my sad story. Ok. On to the point. My last post was filled with profanity and frustration. I know it's Sunday, and yes I went to mass early this morning, but I actually couldn't hear the sermon. Is that an excuse? No, but I didn't hear message God needed me to learn. I couldn't grasp the scripture verse that was meant to set my life straight. Instead my mind was filled with angry retorts for my spouse should he come at me again. Don't you hate those moments, when someone says something smart, but backhanded? And you wish you would have had a great come back? Well, that's what I spent my time in mass doing thinking of all the great comebacks I wish I'd said. I did pray, and cried, and prayed. It's embarrassing to cry in a Catholic Church. Not in an evangelical church but a Catholic Church people look at you like you're schizo. I should have heard the sermon. Oy evay.

When does the cycle end?

I go through it everyday. Every morning he starts with a rhetorical question that I obviously have no answer to, or could never answer correctly. Which then triggers a war of words. Which by way his favorite for me is "STUPID". Yes folks the name my husband calls me to my face is stupid. You are stupid. If you weren't so stupid, if only you had sense. Sadly, it's rubbed off on me and trickled down to my kids who don't always make the brightest choices. Is that my excuse? No. Here's the thing. The kids are a pawn in the cycle. When serving them, I have no say so in instructing them whatsoever. Should I give instruction it's rebutted with another rhetorical question, statement to them allowing them to refuse to comply with my request, or blatant just calling me "stupid". And this is everyday. Breakfast time, dinner time, bedtime. The same cycle. It's worse when the children are ill. Then his highness assumes all medical titles known to man. Physician, Specialist, Pharmacist, Pysciatrist, Nutritionist, herbalist, and most importantly Doctoral Dictator for all known ailments. It is exhausting. Last night we fought about whether or not our child should go play while ill with a virus. All while doing a tug of war with said child. It is a daily occurrence to which his highness proclaimed me "a parasite sucking the financial wealth from his children". I believe that term was coined by his evil sister. But seriously when does the cycle end? Is he tired of Effin with me every cursed day??? Give it a bloody rest. How much of an asshole can you be? Yes, I name call very well behind his back.

Courage to rock it out!

So, yesterday I wore something outside my comfort zone. Still covered up, but an attention getter non the less. I had standing out, which sadly with my looks I stick out like a sore thumb. But I don't want to look like everybody else. When I was younger, thinner, single, and far more confident I used to tell people my looks were an acquired taste. Like escargot (snails), or gator, chocolate covered bugs, dark chocolate, my looks are not nauseating, but I can hold my own in a bar or nightclub. At least back in the day. So I went online to search sites, and the same theme reoccurred. Women consumed with hair, clothes, and make up tutorials for losers like myself to over indulge in consumer products for skin, beauty, clothing, accessories and more. Most of the women are young, pretty, and slim. Encouraging us plain janes or awkward janes to buy buy buy! Ugh! I don't have $300 to buy 50 brushes to paint my face. I don't have $600 to buy 20 different primer, concealer, foundation, contour, etc to look like myself. I sure is hell don't have $100 for lip primer, lip liner, lipstick, lip gloss, lip balm. But, I'll say these women are brave. Despite the potential for criticism, humiliation, and more they put themselves out there. I wish I were Brasen enough to rock it out, and announce to the world here I am and I'm happy to be here, unlike me.

Who is at fault for my short comings?

I know I have no one but myself to blame for the horrible mistakes I've made. I knew my spouse was ass when I met him but decided to continue the relationship anyway. When he hit me the first time I stayed. Didn't really make him work hard for forgiveness. When he did it again, I left but came back. When he did it again,  I tried to fight back but lost all dignity, got some bruises in this process, and had the cops called as he tried to pretend to be the victim. When I moved away from the state I was familiar with, I had no one to blame. When I pleaded to be heard and no one would listen I cut them off. Now I'm lonely and dejected. Who's fault is it I have no money? Who's fault is it that I have been stagnant since marrying this Baffoon? Who fault is when he got of paying his half for the wedding reception, and to save face my parents picked up the tab? Who's fault was it when he refused to provide the kids with medical insurance when he decided to open this waste of time business, so you put ur kids on welfare? Who's fault is it that you can't seem to accomplish anything? Who's fault is it that you have no exit or escape plan even after 5 years of torture? Who's fault is it you have no money to your name? Who's fault is it you can't name nor call your kids the name u always wanted? Who's fault is it that you have a child with the condition you dreaded even though you knew you had the same trait? Who's fault is it the appeals judge believed him and not you? Lord why me?
Who can I blame for all my failure?

7 sins 7 virtues

Last night I watched the pope do some interviews and discuss issues affecting modern day society. He said he wasn't  one to judge. I thought that was very odd. I too can't decide for others what they should do with their bodies, or who they should love, but in this era it is virtually impossible to achieve 7 virtues or ignore how fast it's changing to accept poor judgement and bad character. Anthony Weiner is a virtual flasher and pervert. Why should anyone accept his leadership when he simply can't keep it in his pants? It think about kindness and charity, temperance etc, and realize many of us are quick to anger and violence than to patience. I struggle with 7 virtues daily. How do I teach my children virtues if I can't model it in the home. I want so desperately for God to love and protect me, but I feel is self pity and that is a sin. I still cry daily because I find myself trapped in a bitter cycle of trying to do the right thing, but being caught up in the challenges of being a good person.

Joel olsteen and Dante's Inferno

On many Sundays, I've found myself looking for Joel Osteen's positive sermons. Now I know there are many out there that may feel negative about him, but I've noticed his messages are always inspiring and breed the seed of hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, hope that life isn't as bad as we think. Hope that we will survive all the challenges we face daily. He always adds some humor to his sermons, which makes the message far more joyous. Wait, why no gloom and doom from me today? My day yesterday was a test of wills, and patience. My child broke something in the grocery store, as the other child proceeded to encourage their sibling to remove their seatbelts while I was driving. It was a test of my patience and love for them. Does it mean I love them less if I scold them for irresponsible behavior? Does it make me a bad mother for chastising them for making very poor choices? Hence, my Dante's Inferno reference.  I read Dante's Inferno many many years ago. I'll be honest. I never quite understand the language in which it was originally written. But I watched an animated version of what I believe was the closest adaptation of the text I'd ever seen. Hell, as seen through the perils of Dante became more real. It became a place I know my in-laws and spouse will go for certain. Jealous, malicious,  glutton, greed, anger, violence, lust, each realm of hell more vile and loathesome than the preceding realm. But, I too have been glutton ( eating too much to fill a void), angry with those who have hurt me, laughed at me, mocked me, and ridiculed me. I haven't been a pillar of society. After carefully reading through the seven heavenly virtues, now i understand my mother. She has been calling me to change, and to forgive those who have wronged me, and let go of my anger. I always thought this Mother Theresa thing she does irritates me, and just makes people take advantage of her kindness. My ignorance of Christian faith had blinded me to what she been warning me. So, am I too destined for hell? When can one turn their life around and it not be too late to prevent damnation?

No wonder guys in jail bulk up

I am truly enjoying my workout routine. For a period of an hour or two I get to exercise. Release some frustration. Look at other people. Watch some TV on the treadmill or bike without the guilt of feeling like a loafer. While my children have the chance to interact with other children and exercise themselves. It is truly a blessing. Though my spouse still comes home at whatever hours he likes making it difficult for me to be employed. I enjoy the quiet hours before his return when the kids and I can eat together without the tension, or the constant bickering, without the yelling, without name calling, without him telling them "you don't like that" or " you don't want to eat what mommy makes cause it's yucky". For the past several days life in this marital prison has been wonderful. I thought about life with my kids living on our own away from him. I so badly want a divorce. I so badly want a place of my own. I think our lives would be happier. Our lives would be a bit more carefree. How does one live in such a miserable state day in and day out? Prisoners often turn to exercise to release tension and stress. I spoke to my father yesterday. I tried to explain what had been going on. But just like my spouse he barely let me finish a sentence, agreed with all his actions, and then told me to call again if I ever wanted to talk. Talk? or let him do all the talking? My goodness, I often wonder why I even bother to contact either my parents, though they've come a long way since my childhood, their relation is just not I wanted for myself. But I can say this. When my spouse refuses to give me what I want especially when I ask for so little, I don't mind so much. I get to workout. I get 2 hours of freedom that feels so good. I thank God for the little things that bring joy to my life. Now that's what I call surviving.

Who can you trust?

Yesterday morning, began another screaming match. This time about the quality of care for a child with a condition. Yesterday, I truly got the chance to record the essence of the verbally abusive douchebag I man married to. He called me stupid and problematic, and why? Because, I refuse to allow our child to begin a somewhat questionable treatment for her condition. Right now, her care is regulated and monitored closely, and I realize with the new form of treatment comes more visits, more medicine, more everything that I alone would have to manage because he has simply washed his hands of any parental responsibility. Nightly, he comes home 8-9 pm though his office hours end at about 5:45PM. This just builds barriers of resentment because it doesn't give us the opportunity to discuss problems, and simply perpetuates animosity. So, I call my brother in law to ask his thoughts on the drug because his child also suffers from the same condition, and though he initially pretended never to have been introduced to this drug by his child's physician, he seemed to know a tremendous amount about it, even suggesting that his genius child had done a case study about it in high-school. It's weird how contradictions can be heard in what people say. Basically, I don't know he would have a reason to lie, but I got the sense that he couldn't understand how I could be in the same predicament year after year. Anyway, during the conversation I felt as though the call was being monitored, and worse still when the bastard got home, he actually took out his phone to record me trying to get my son to sleep. I laughed it off as I couldn't care less because lack of trust has gotten us to where we are today. He is a loathe some, vile, malicious, deviant with no conscience whatsoever. So who can I trust in this hellhole I live in? No one.

Strengthen the body and mind

Yesterday I was so distraught after the incident with my spouse that I could barely focus. I called my sister because I had no one else to turn to. She gave me a verbal tongue lashing. But not in the sense of abusive, I mean in the sense of a wake up call. She told me I've been relying on the sentiment that this bastard will change and that he will once again treat me well. She told me he's been playing me for a fool, and has gotten away with not having to care for his children properly, not paying their medical expenses, not buying them clothes, not having any celebration for them, and the more he yells, and refuses to do for them, I find a way to fix it, never holding him accountable for anything. She essentially told me I have been mentally weak, and rather than use logic, I needed to use guile and intellect, which I fear I do not have. I never thought I would have to use cunning, lies, and deceat to be in a marriage. But, I realize now from day one that he'd been playing me all along. He didn't want to pay his share of the hotel balance for the wedding for he claimed he'd maxed out his credit card a week before the balance was due, forcing my parents to pay for it to save face from canceling the wedding, when I begged and pleaded for him to get the kids insurance, he refused and I was forced to apply for Medicaid. When time came for school enrollment, I was forced to register my kids at a school I hate because I could convince him to send them elsewhere. Each night he return home at 8:00 not allowing me to work, and he gets away with it. So, how could I be so stupid, and what would make me feel better? I went to the gym. For the first time in 3 years, I worked out and forgot all my problems. I forgot about the IRS. I forgot about how badly I want a divorce. I forgot about how miserable and stupid I am. I worked out. I did a cardio class and it kicked ass. I did the treadmill and watched TV and I felt fantastic. I came home looked at my children, and for once wasn't overwhelmed with grief and anguish over my situation.

My mom says, "just make yourself happy".

"Just make yourself happy"! WTF does that mean? Is that the equivalent of sending a child to go play with their toys? Every time I call my mother to discuss my relationship woes, either she says deal with it because every woman goes through it, or she says my father was worse which I greatly believe. God forgive me, but had I been married to my father I think I would have jumped off a tall building.  He's was a decent enough father, decent provider, but an awful husband. And here I am trying to express my grief to a woman that has endured hell for almost 50 years? Was it Patsy Kline that sang " Stand By Your Man" as he was beating the hell out of her? But my mom tells me "just make yourself happy".  My question is how? I am miserable. I hate being at home all the time. I truly can't think of activities to keep my children preoccupied for 12-14 hours a day. From 7AM - 9PM they are awake, yelling, screaming, fighting, crying, jumping on furniture, calling each other names, and I for one cal only think of so much to keep them occupied 12-14 hours a day. I have things to do. Wash dishes, do laundry, fold laundry, mop floors, make beds, take out trash, clean toilets, scrub tubs, vacuum, look for freelance work, fix my tax problem, try to enroll in school for myself without money, search for a pro-bono divorce lawyer, looking for housing, I do this everyday. All while trying to referee 2 children, entertain them, teach them, feed them their meals plus snacks, and their father criticizes every damn thing I do. And I am supposed to make myself happy? I have no money, no friends, no one to talk to, and I am supposed to make myself happy. A bottle is Moscato numbs the pain but doesn't make me happy. I tried having sex with my douchebag husband but that made me loathe myself more. I have no money to go to the gym, so I can't relieve stress, I eat a lot but being glutton doesn't make me happy. I guess writing makes me feel better, not happy but better. Maybe happiness for me is not attainable. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. My children make me happy when aren't driving me insane. My kids deserve better parents. If I could reinvent myself and get out if this marriage I would truly be the happy mom they deserve. Their father is a miserable deviant that gets joy from other people's sorrow.

How much dysfunction is way too much dysfunction?

So tonight I'm scrolling through our online movie account, and I notice the account reflects movies I haven't seen, and I know my spouse wouldn't watch. This isn't the first time I'm noticing films on the account that we wouldn't be watching. Like children's shows that I hadn't shown our kids. So, a few weeks ago, I ask him about it and he states he gave the account info to one of his relatives. I'm like hmm ok. But the genre of the films viewed doesn't seem like anything his relative would watch. And each day I'm noticing more films that are sophomoric in genre and couldn't possibly have been viewed by this one particular relative. My mind said to ignore it, but my heart said ask, because I suspect his ex's kid is watching these films. I suspect he gave the account code to his ex. Worse still, it bothers the hell out of me. But why????? Not like he'll actually tell the truth. Not like he respects me at all not this marriage. But, there's the pathetic side of me that hangs on to a shred of hope that just once he'll tell me the truth. I hope that he'll reassure me that I needn't worry but that is not reality. I ask, and initially he lies " it's my nephew, but your 35yr old nephew wouldn't be watching Cheetah Girls, or Wizards of Waverly Place. So it changes to " my other nephew accesses the account too". But he's 19 why would he be watching those shows.  To make matters worse, we get into an argument, he raises his voice so I raise mine back, and he locks me out of the bedroom, and I can't get my bra or shoes so I can go out for a drive to cool off, and the SOB begins recording it again. He barricades himself in the room pretending to be fearful so if I call the cops he can act as though he's the victim, and I realize when is enough enough? Why the hell did i even ask? What's the point? He does not respect me, and he doesn't care how hurt I am so why the hell do I bother??? When has dysfunction reached a point beyond reproach? When do you decide you simply can't do it anymore? When do you say living like this is too painful to bear? Every time he goes to see his family he returns home angry agitated, and cold. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling worthless, and having no voice. When is dysfunction too much????? I can't be angry, my kids see me so miserable, and he so happy. When is being fed up a point where you hate yourself for staying.  I hate myself for being here.

Treyvon Martin, Race relations, and respect

It's been nearly 2 weeks since George Zimmerman was found " NotGuilty" of murdering a 17 year old teenager by the name of Treyvon Martin. I have children. I never thought I would to worry in this day and age of racial profiling. I try not to leave them with strangers for fear oof negative influences, or molestation, or abuse, but in addition to that, I must teach my children to be careful and mindful of their surroundings at all times? Must I really instill in them a fear of racists, teach them about racism? Treyvon Martin has been villanized by media, the defense team, and for what? Walking home from the convenient store? I used to enjoy walking to Baskin Robbins when I was a kid. Or an old drug store called Thriftys. I've had my car searched for no reason, and been stopped for no reason, all this done while I was an adult.  but never have considered my children would endure racism possibly as children. Wait, I'm wrong, the school my kids attend now is run by racists that hide behind the pretense of conservative catholic beliefs. It's bad enough my kids watch their father treat me with so little respect, and then to think that outside the home they themselves aren't respected because of the color of their skin. Treyvon Martin may change the way Americans relate to one another, I hope his legacy will change the nation for better.

Howard Hughes... I totally get it. People suck!

I have become a recluse. Back in the day I'd look for friends to hang with on my days off. But now? Thanks to my dysfunctional marriage, shame, and kids, I've discovered that perhaps it's better to stay away from people. People can be cruel, hurtful, kaniving, malicious, insensitive, and untrustworthy. I can't say that I have always been treated well in any of my relationships. I pray that my daughter doesn't wind up in abusive friendships or relationships. She tends to seek out attention and often not in the most positive way. Howard Hughes had the right idea not to trust anyone. Not sure if he was truly crazy or simply had had enough of being used and abused by the world. I find myself happy to hide here but miserable that I am here. I pray my children find happiness and genuine love and respect from people that I never got. And I wish these women would stop calling me.

Why the hell are you contacting me?

There's been the wave of recent graduates and their announcements have been irking the hell out me. A few months ago one chick texts me to ask if I've gotten a job yet or because she's finally finished her nursing degree and gotten a job.  I would have congratulated her and been genuinely happy for her had I not felt like there was some malice in her announcement. Why ask me if I've gotten a job yet? Why not state you've graduated and gotten a job? Why the attempt to feel better than? Then today, I get a call from the most unlikely of people someone I see so rarely, I wouldn't even count them as an acquaintance. We've never spoken anything more than hello, and suddenly, she's going our her way to invite me to her graduation. I don't get it we've never invited each other to any other function so why this one? I simply don't get it. Ugh, I hate petty games.

I can't believe I'm hiding from my In-Laws...

So today was another day  filled with tears and anguish. I actually left my home ( wait my mistake his home where I reside) to avoid being around my in laws. Unreal, that I can't be surrounded by his rude, inconsiderate, despicable family. It's bad enough I have to tolerate his stupidity but I never made any contractual agreement to tolerate their BS. I avoid functions which require me to interact w/ them. I become anxious and ill if forced to see them at school or social functions. They don't even pretend to be civil, they are just trash. So, I sit idle just waiting for the all clear text to return. Does anyone out there dislike their in-laws as much as I do? The worst part is the spouse that perpetuates and instigates the problems. Being married isn't what it's all cracked to be. Why are in-laws always such atrocious cretins? They suck the life out all marriages. Good grief. I literally stayed hidden from them so, I wouldn't have to endure the verbal abuse. God please help me out of this nightmare.

Coping with challenging kids

I've researched and sought answers of how to cope with my children during this awful marriage. The impact of this has been so negative that my children act out. They are constantly, crying, fighting, yelling, the older child  I believe has developed PICA. Which is a rare eating disorder in which odd items are eaten or injested in order to cope with other problems. Basically the older child eats toilet paper, paint chips from the walls, crayons, lead from pencils, and I'm at a lose to figure out what to do to help. I'm afraid of seeking professional help for fear the child may be labeled some sort of deviant, or something that severe. Additionally I fear my spouse's reaction if he finds out I took the child to any sort of psychiatric or psychological evaluation. The child talks constantly, I mean 24/7 it is absolutely irritating. Being in such a predicament makes it challenging to parent children with both physical and emotional challenges, when I myself simply just want to hide and run away from my misery. What can an unhappy person do to help their children find peace when so much turmoil consumes every aspect of their life? I myself am so unhappy I want to sit in a closet and hide all day. I don't interact with anyone besides my mother, father, and sister. I have no friends, and avoid interacting with others. Am I really surviving ? How do I really help my little ones cope in an unhappy home?

Is it all in my mind? Or is he really trying to....

So, the other night after nearly 2 years of absolutely no intimacy, he goes out and buys a huge bottle of an unknown brand of liquor. He says he bought it for me. Now after accusing me of being an alcoholic, which sadly as the years have passed I've found myself consuming more than is necessary to self medicate because of the pain and anguish of this miserable marriage and living situation, I find it absurd he'd buy me the one thing he accuses me of abusing. But one taste of this nearly brought me to my knees. I had such abdominal pain, it could not be pacified by over the counter remedies. I tried over the counter pain reliever to allies ate the intense pain. Which he insisted could be cured with a bout of sex. Still an insensitive prick, am I surprised? No. Anyway, I then begin to experience severe chest pain, followed by nausea, and diaherra the following day. I look up my symptoms which turn out to be signs of poisoning. At first I think, my children aren't experiencing any symptoms, miso it couldn't be food poisoning, and oddly, he himself shows no signs of illness, then I think to the following morning after giving me said drink. He claimed he'd drank the same thing, but when I mistakenly drank from his cup, his turned out to be water. Which I thought omg!!!!! Am I imagining things or is he trying to poison me? I couldn't put it past him, but this would be extreme. If I die then what? Would my children be happier? Would they find life easier? What happens to them. Most men simply move on, I know he'd remarry simply to put the children on someone else. He says he's quite aware of my every move, and I'm more than certain of hidden cameras stationed in various locations within the house, but to attempt to kill me???? Would he do it? Or am I truly just.... May GOD save my kids, no matter what.

Custody of the kids?

Hello again. It's been such a long time since my last post. I'm sure you're wondering if my life has improved since my last post, and the answer is No/Yes. Let me explain. The Ape I have a legal contract with better known as my spouse is still an A-Hole. He's still verbally and emotionally abusive, and sadly I felt Its impacted my relationship with our kids. The positive is my way of thinking has somewhat changed. I have completely snapped out of the "we're supposed to be married, and he's supposed to love, respect, honor, and cherish me" way of thinking. Hell, last night he snuck out claiming to go to Walmart at 1AM  and came in at 7AM acting like he was outside watering the lawn. And truth be known. I didn't care. Karma's a bitch and he seems to always get what he deserves in small but obviously spells of Karma. From, car accidents to traffic tickets, to twisting his ankle or injuring his back. Somehow the evil he sends my way always boomerangs right back at him. I don't even have to pray that God punish him anymore it just happens. Anyway, my beautiful kids that are feeling the brunt of my frustration, anger,  humiliation, and stress. It's so so sad what they see everyday. It's so so sad, how they rarely see me happy. And they act out which makes the ordeal even worse. Let me ask you this. Would you give up custody of your children because 1. You despise their father 2. Their lack of respect for you is a reflection of their father's influence 3. Lack of funds 4. And  overwhelming frustration and anxiety. Would you give your bastard spouse custody knowing he may not be the most suitable parent to truly care for them? What would you do?