Howard Hughes... I totally get it. People suck!

I have become a recluse. Back in the day I'd look for friends to hang with on my days off. But now? Thanks to my dysfunctional marriage, shame, and kids, I've discovered that perhaps it's better to stay away from people. People can be cruel, hurtful, kaniving, malicious, insensitive, and untrustworthy. I can't say that I have always been treated well in any of my relationships. I pray that my daughter doesn't wind up in abusive friendships or relationships. She tends to seek out attention and often not in the most positive way. Howard Hughes had the right idea not to trust anyone. Not sure if he was truly crazy or simply had had enough of being used and abused by the world. I find myself happy to hide here but miserable that I am here. I pray my children find happiness and genuine love and respect from people that I never got. And I wish these women would stop calling me.

Why the hell are you contacting me?

There's been the wave of recent graduates and their announcements have been irking the hell out me. A few months ago one chick texts me to ask if I've gotten a job yet or because she's finally finished her nursing degree and gotten a job.  I would have congratulated her and been genuinely happy for her had I not felt like there was some malice in her announcement. Why ask me if I've gotten a job yet? Why not state you've graduated and gotten a job? Why the attempt to feel better than? Then today, I get a call from the most unlikely of people someone I see so rarely, I wouldn't even count them as an acquaintance. We've never spoken anything more than hello, and suddenly, she's going our her way to invite me to her graduation. I don't get it we've never invited each other to any other function so why this one? I simply don't get it. Ugh, I hate petty games.

I can't believe I'm hiding from my In-Laws...

So today was another day  filled with tears and anguish. I actually left my home ( wait my mistake his home where I reside) to avoid being around my in laws. Unreal, that I can't be surrounded by his rude, inconsiderate, despicable family. It's bad enough I have to tolerate his stupidity but I never made any contractual agreement to tolerate their BS. I avoid functions which require me to interact w/ them. I become anxious and ill if forced to see them at school or social functions. They don't even pretend to be civil, they are just trash. So, I sit idle just waiting for the all clear text to return. Does anyone out there dislike their in-laws as much as I do? The worst part is the spouse that perpetuates and instigates the problems. Being married isn't what it's all cracked to be. Why are in-laws always such atrocious cretins? They suck the life out all marriages. Good grief. I literally stayed hidden from them so, I wouldn't have to endure the verbal abuse. God please help me out of this nightmare.

Coping with challenging kids

I've researched and sought answers of how to cope with my children during this awful marriage. The impact of this has been so negative that my children act out. They are constantly, crying, fighting, yelling, the older child  I believe has developed PICA. Which is a rare eating disorder in which odd items are eaten or injested in order to cope with other problems. Basically the older child eats toilet paper, paint chips from the walls, crayons, lead from pencils, and I'm at a lose to figure out what to do to help. I'm afraid of seeking professional help for fear the child may be labeled some sort of deviant, or something that severe. Additionally I fear my spouse's reaction if he finds out I took the child to any sort of psychiatric or psychological evaluation. The child talks constantly, I mean 24/7 it is absolutely irritating. Being in such a predicament makes it challenging to parent children with both physical and emotional challenges, when I myself simply just want to hide and run away from my misery. What can an unhappy person do to help their children find peace when so much turmoil consumes every aspect of their life? I myself am so unhappy I want to sit in a closet and hide all day. I don't interact with anyone besides my mother, father, and sister. I have no friends, and avoid interacting with others. Am I really surviving ? How do I really help my little ones cope in an unhappy home?

Is it all in my mind? Or is he really trying to....

So, the other night after nearly 2 years of absolutely no intimacy, he goes out and buys a huge bottle of an unknown brand of liquor. He says he bought it for me. Now after accusing me of being an alcoholic, which sadly as the years have passed I've found myself consuming more than is necessary to self medicate because of the pain and anguish of this miserable marriage and living situation, I find it absurd he'd buy me the one thing he accuses me of abusing. But one taste of this nearly brought me to my knees. I had such abdominal pain, it could not be pacified by over the counter remedies. I tried over the counter pain reliever to allies ate the intense pain. Which he insisted could be cured with a bout of sex. Still an insensitive prick, am I surprised? No. Anyway, I then begin to experience severe chest pain, followed by nausea, and diaherra the following day. I look up my symptoms which turn out to be signs of poisoning. At first I think, my children aren't experiencing any symptoms, miso it couldn't be food poisoning, and oddly, he himself shows no signs of illness, then I think to the following morning after giving me said drink. He claimed he'd drank the same thing, but when I mistakenly drank from his cup, his turned out to be water. Which I thought omg!!!!! Am I imagining things or is he trying to poison me? I couldn't put it past him, but this would be extreme. If I die then what? Would my children be happier? Would they find life easier? What happens to them. Most men simply move on, I know he'd remarry simply to put the children on someone else. He says he's quite aware of my every move, and I'm more than certain of hidden cameras stationed in various locations within the house, but to attempt to kill me???? Would he do it? Or am I truly just.... May GOD save my kids, no matter what.

Custody of the kids?

Hello again. It's been such a long time since my last post. I'm sure you're wondering if my life has improved since my last post, and the answer is No/Yes. Let me explain. The Ape I have a legal contract with better known as my spouse is still an A-Hole. He's still verbally and emotionally abusive, and sadly I felt Its impacted my relationship with our kids. The positive is my way of thinking has somewhat changed. I have completely snapped out of the "we're supposed to be married, and he's supposed to love, respect, honor, and cherish me" way of thinking. Hell, last night he snuck out claiming to go to Walmart at 1AM  and came in at 7AM acting like he was outside watering the lawn. And truth be known. I didn't care. Karma's a bitch and he seems to always get what he deserves in small but obviously spells of Karma. From, car accidents to traffic tickets, to twisting his ankle or injuring his back. Somehow the evil he sends my way always boomerangs right back at him. I don't even have to pray that God punish him anymore it just happens. Anyway, my beautiful kids that are feeling the brunt of my frustration, anger,  humiliation, and stress. It's so so sad what they see everyday. It's so so sad, how they rarely see me happy. And they act out which makes the ordeal even worse. Let me ask you this. Would you give up custody of your children because 1. You despise their father 2. Their lack of respect for you is a reflection of their father's influence 3. Lack of funds 4. And  overwhelming frustration and anxiety. Would you give your bastard spouse custody knowing he may not be the most suitable parent to truly care for them? What would you do?