Who is at fault for my short comings?

I know I have no one but myself to blame for the horrible mistakes I've made. I knew my spouse was ass when I met him but decided to continue the relationship anyway. When he hit me the first time I stayed. Didn't really make him work hard for forgiveness. When he did it again, I left but came back. When he did it again,  I tried to fight back but lost all dignity, got some bruises in this process, and had the cops called as he tried to pretend to be the victim. When I moved away from the state I was familiar with, I had no one to blame. When I pleaded to be heard and no one would listen I cut them off. Now I'm lonely and dejected. Who's fault is it I have no money? Who's fault is it that I have been stagnant since marrying this Baffoon? Who fault is when he got of paying his half for the wedding reception, and to save face my parents picked up the tab? Who's fault was it when he refused to provide the kids with medical insurance when he decided to open this waste of time business, so you put ur kids on welfare? Who's fault is it that you can't seem to accomplish anything? Who's fault is it that you have no exit or escape plan even after 5 years of torture? Who's fault is it you have no money to your name? Who's fault is it you can't name nor call your kids the name u always wanted? Who's fault is it that you have a child with the condition you dreaded even though you knew you had the same trait? Who's fault is it the appeals judge believed him and not you? Lord why me?
Who can I blame for all my failure?

7 sins 7 virtues

Last night I watched the pope do some interviews and discuss issues affecting modern day society. He said he wasn't  one to judge. I thought that was very odd. I too can't decide for others what they should do with their bodies, or who they should love, but in this era it is virtually impossible to achieve 7 virtues or ignore how fast it's changing to accept poor judgement and bad character. Anthony Weiner is a virtual flasher and pervert. Why should anyone accept his leadership when he simply can't keep it in his pants? It think about kindness and charity, temperance etc, and realize many of us are quick to anger and violence than to patience. I struggle with 7 virtues daily. How do I teach my children virtues if I can't model it in the home. I want so desperately for God to love and protect me, but I feel is self pity and that is a sin. I still cry daily because I find myself trapped in a bitter cycle of trying to do the right thing, but being caught up in the challenges of being a good person.

Joel olsteen and Dante's Inferno

On many Sundays, I've found myself looking for Joel Osteen's positive sermons. Now I know there are many out there that may feel negative about him, but I've noticed his messages are always inspiring and breed the seed of hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, hope that life isn't as bad as we think. Hope that we will survive all the challenges we face daily. He always adds some humor to his sermons, which makes the message far more joyous. Wait, why no gloom and doom from me today? My day yesterday was a test of wills, and patience. My child broke something in the grocery store, as the other child proceeded to encourage their sibling to remove their seatbelts while I was driving. It was a test of my patience and love for them. Does it mean I love them less if I scold them for irresponsible behavior? Does it make me a bad mother for chastising them for making very poor choices? Hence, my Dante's Inferno reference.  I read Dante's Inferno many many years ago. I'll be honest. I never quite understand the language in which it was originally written. But I watched an animated version of what I believe was the closest adaptation of the text I'd ever seen. Hell, as seen through the perils of Dante became more real. It became a place I know my in-laws and spouse will go for certain. Jealous, malicious,  glutton, greed, anger, violence, lust, each realm of hell more vile and loathesome than the preceding realm. But, I too have been glutton ( eating too much to fill a void), angry with those who have hurt me, laughed at me, mocked me, and ridiculed me. I haven't been a pillar of society. After carefully reading through the seven heavenly virtues, now i understand my mother. She has been calling me to change, and to forgive those who have wronged me, and let go of my anger. I always thought this Mother Theresa thing she does irritates me, and just makes people take advantage of her kindness. My ignorance of Christian faith had blinded me to what she been warning me. So, am I too destined for hell? When can one turn their life around and it not be too late to prevent damnation?

No wonder guys in jail bulk up

I am truly enjoying my workout routine. For a period of an hour or two I get to exercise. Release some frustration. Look at other people. Watch some TV on the treadmill or bike without the guilt of feeling like a loafer. While my children have the chance to interact with other children and exercise themselves. It is truly a blessing. Though my spouse still comes home at whatever hours he likes making it difficult for me to be employed. I enjoy the quiet hours before his return when the kids and I can eat together without the tension, or the constant bickering, without the yelling, without name calling, without him telling them "you don't like that" or " you don't want to eat what mommy makes cause it's yucky". For the past several days life in this marital prison has been wonderful. I thought about life with my kids living on our own away from him. I so badly want a divorce. I so badly want a place of my own. I think our lives would be happier. Our lives would be a bit more carefree. How does one live in such a miserable state day in and day out? Prisoners often turn to exercise to release tension and stress. I spoke to my father yesterday. I tried to explain what had been going on. But just like my spouse he barely let me finish a sentence, agreed with all his actions, and then told me to call again if I ever wanted to talk. Talk? or let him do all the talking? My goodness, I often wonder why I even bother to contact either my parents, though they've come a long way since my childhood, their relation is just not I wanted for myself. But I can say this. When my spouse refuses to give me what I want especially when I ask for so little, I don't mind so much. I get to workout. I get 2 hours of freedom that feels so good. I thank God for the little things that bring joy to my life. Now that's what I call surviving.

Who can you trust?

Yesterday morning, began another screaming match. This time about the quality of care for a child with a condition. Yesterday, I truly got the chance to record the essence of the verbally abusive douchebag I man married to. He called me stupid and problematic, and why? Because, I refuse to allow our child to begin a somewhat questionable treatment for her condition. Right now, her care is regulated and monitored closely, and I realize with the new form of treatment comes more visits, more medicine, more everything that I alone would have to manage because he has simply washed his hands of any parental responsibility. Nightly, he comes home 8-9 pm though his office hours end at about 5:45PM. This just builds barriers of resentment because it doesn't give us the opportunity to discuss problems, and simply perpetuates animosity. So, I call my brother in law to ask his thoughts on the drug because his child also suffers from the same condition, and though he initially pretended never to have been introduced to this drug by his child's physician, he seemed to know a tremendous amount about it, even suggesting that his genius child had done a case study about it in high-school. It's weird how contradictions can be heard in what people say. Basically, I don't know he would have a reason to lie, but I got the sense that he couldn't understand how I could be in the same predicament year after year. Anyway, during the conversation I felt as though the call was being monitored, and worse still when the bastard got home, he actually took out his phone to record me trying to get my son to sleep. I laughed it off as I couldn't care less because lack of trust has gotten us to where we are today. He is a loathe some, vile, malicious, deviant with no conscience whatsoever. So who can I trust in this hellhole I live in? No one.

Strengthen the body and mind

Yesterday I was so distraught after the incident with my spouse that I could barely focus. I called my sister because I had no one else to turn to. She gave me a verbal tongue lashing. But not in the sense of abusive, I mean in the sense of a wake up call. She told me I've been relying on the sentiment that this bastard will change and that he will once again treat me well. She told me he's been playing me for a fool, and has gotten away with not having to care for his children properly, not paying their medical expenses, not buying them clothes, not having any celebration for them, and the more he yells, and refuses to do for them, I find a way to fix it, never holding him accountable for anything. She essentially told me I have been mentally weak, and rather than use logic, I needed to use guile and intellect, which I fear I do not have. I never thought I would have to use cunning, lies, and deceat to be in a marriage. But, I realize now from day one that he'd been playing me all along. He didn't want to pay his share of the hotel balance for the wedding for he claimed he'd maxed out his credit card a week before the balance was due, forcing my parents to pay for it to save face from canceling the wedding, when I begged and pleaded for him to get the kids insurance, he refused and I was forced to apply for Medicaid. When time came for school enrollment, I was forced to register my kids at a school I hate because I could convince him to send them elsewhere. Each night he return home at 8:00 not allowing me to work, and he gets away with it. So, how could I be so stupid, and what would make me feel better? I went to the gym. For the first time in 3 years, I worked out and forgot all my problems. I forgot about the IRS. I forgot about how badly I want a divorce. I forgot about how miserable and stupid I am. I worked out. I did a cardio class and it kicked ass. I did the treadmill and watched TV and I felt fantastic. I came home looked at my children, and for once wasn't overwhelmed with grief and anguish over my situation.

My mom says, "just make yourself happy".

"Just make yourself happy"! WTF does that mean? Is that the equivalent of sending a child to go play with their toys? Every time I call my mother to discuss my relationship woes, either she says deal with it because every woman goes through it, or she says my father was worse which I greatly believe. God forgive me, but had I been married to my father I think I would have jumped off a tall building.  He's was a decent enough father, decent provider, but an awful husband. And here I am trying to express my grief to a woman that has endured hell for almost 50 years? Was it Patsy Kline that sang " Stand By Your Man" as he was beating the hell out of her? But my mom tells me "just make yourself happy".  My question is how? I am miserable. I hate being at home all the time. I truly can't think of activities to keep my children preoccupied for 12-14 hours a day. From 7AM - 9PM they are awake, yelling, screaming, fighting, crying, jumping on furniture, calling each other names, and I for one cal only think of so much to keep them occupied 12-14 hours a day. I have things to do. Wash dishes, do laundry, fold laundry, mop floors, make beds, take out trash, clean toilets, scrub tubs, vacuum, look for freelance work, fix my tax problem, try to enroll in school for myself without money, search for a pro-bono divorce lawyer, looking for housing, I do this everyday. All while trying to referee 2 children, entertain them, teach them, feed them their meals plus snacks, and their father criticizes every damn thing I do. And I am supposed to make myself happy? I have no money, no friends, no one to talk to, and I am supposed to make myself happy. A bottle is Moscato numbs the pain but doesn't make me happy. I tried having sex with my douchebag husband but that made me loathe myself more. I have no money to go to the gym, so I can't relieve stress, I eat a lot but being glutton doesn't make me happy. I guess writing makes me feel better, not happy but better. Maybe happiness for me is not attainable. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. My children make me happy when aren't driving me insane. My kids deserve better parents. If I could reinvent myself and get out if this marriage I would truly be the happy mom they deserve. Their father is a miserable deviant that gets joy from other people's sorrow.

How much dysfunction is way too much dysfunction?

So tonight I'm scrolling through our online movie account, and I notice the account reflects movies I haven't seen, and I know my spouse wouldn't watch. This isn't the first time I'm noticing films on the account that we wouldn't be watching. Like children's shows that I hadn't shown our kids. So, a few weeks ago, I ask him about it and he states he gave the account info to one of his relatives. I'm like hmm ok. But the genre of the films viewed doesn't seem like anything his relative would watch. And each day I'm noticing more films that are sophomoric in genre and couldn't possibly have been viewed by this one particular relative. My mind said to ignore it, but my heart said ask, because I suspect his ex's kid is watching these films. I suspect he gave the account code to his ex. Worse still, it bothers the hell out of me. But why????? Not like he'll actually tell the truth. Not like he respects me at all not this marriage. But, there's the pathetic side of me that hangs on to a shred of hope that just once he'll tell me the truth. I hope that he'll reassure me that I needn't worry but that is not reality. I ask, and initially he lies " it's my nephew, but your 35yr old nephew wouldn't be watching Cheetah Girls, or Wizards of Waverly Place. So it changes to " my other nephew accesses the account too". But he's 19 why would he be watching those shows.  To make matters worse, we get into an argument, he raises his voice so I raise mine back, and he locks me out of the bedroom, and I can't get my bra or shoes so I can go out for a drive to cool off, and the SOB begins recording it again. He barricades himself in the room pretending to be fearful so if I call the cops he can act as though he's the victim, and I realize when is enough enough? Why the hell did i even ask? What's the point? He does not respect me, and he doesn't care how hurt I am so why the hell do I bother??? When has dysfunction reached a point beyond reproach? When do you decide you simply can't do it anymore? When do you say living like this is too painful to bear? Every time he goes to see his family he returns home angry agitated, and cold. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling worthless, and having no voice. When is dysfunction too much????? I can't be angry, my kids see me so miserable, and he so happy. When is being fed up a point where you hate yourself for staying.  I hate myself for being here.

Treyvon Martin, Race relations, and respect

It's been nearly 2 weeks since George Zimmerman was found " NotGuilty" of murdering a 17 year old teenager by the name of Treyvon Martin. I have children. I never thought I would to worry in this day and age of racial profiling. I try not to leave them with strangers for fear oof negative influences, or molestation, or abuse, but in addition to that, I must teach my children to be careful and mindful of their surroundings at all times? Must I really instill in them a fear of racists, teach them about racism? Treyvon Martin has been villanized by media, the defense team, and for what? Walking home from the convenient store? I used to enjoy walking to Baskin Robbins when I was a kid. Or an old drug store called Thriftys. I've had my car searched for no reason, and been stopped for no reason, all this done while I was an adult.  but never have considered my children would endure racism possibly as children. Wait, I'm wrong, the school my kids attend now is run by racists that hide behind the pretense of conservative catholic beliefs. It's bad enough my kids watch their father treat me with so little respect, and then to think that outside the home they themselves aren't respected because of the color of their skin. Treyvon Martin may change the way Americans relate to one another, I hope his legacy will change the nation for better.