Cancer news and his reaction

Seriously how much of an insensitive DICK can one man be? I mean seriously! I told him my sister's diagnosis and you know what this son of a stupid bitch said?  "So! What do you want me to do?" I then said, I needed his help to buy tickets for the kids and I to return to my home town during the holidays to visit my family and see her. He says,  "I don't have money for your family. She works, why can't she travel here? I'm not spending any money to support you visiting your sister because she's sick. Go get a job and go wherever you like, but don't ask me for anything related to your family. It's not my fault she has cancer. You dont contribute anything to this family but want to ask me for money. Ask her to come here. Her illness isn't my problem".  I damn near lost it. I mean that insensitive, drippy dick, bad breathe, body odor, crooked teeth, yellow teeth, cromagnum forhead, ugly, sexually selfish, inconsiderate, lazy, vile, disgusting, messy, dirty, mama's boy, and all round stupid son of a bitch has the nerve to equate my sister's ailment to my lack of employment???? I hope his mother, and sister both suffer a fate  worse than cancer that ignorant son of a bitch. I hope what happened to Pharoh Ramses curses his sister and his mother. I hope God crushes every dream and aspiration they have for their children, and themselves. How he be sooooo fucking evil? What kind of animals raised this bastard? What the hell did I do to be treated this badly even for the sake of my sister?  Why won't God smit him and his evil evil ways. I wish God would hand down a punishment on him, his sister and mother so great and painful it will affect only his sister's kids, grand kids and great grand kids ( not mine). they are so damn evil. To add insult to injury this son a bitch went clubbing last night.  Then woke up at 2pm ate up the food I made for the kids, and went galavanting the streets. Lord, please help keep me strong enough to find a good lawyer to accept my divorce case cause I do not want to spend another year with this animal. Vile, despicable, FOUL, miserable, evil, son of a stupid ass bitch!!!!? I hope they all burn in hell.

Breast Cancer and the letter

My sister sent me a picture of herself and my niece at a concert. I noticed her wearing a really awkward hat. When my niece graduated 8th grade, there again was another ugly hat upon my sister s head in the photos. When she went surfing, again another ugly sun hat. My sister has always had a full head of hair. Wild and sometimes untamable. But no more photos of said hair just the hats, so I asked, what's with the hats? To which, rather than get another short text msg, I got a letter. I received a letter, a year after being diagnosed with breast cancer, a year after surgery, chemo, hair loss, weight loss, crying spells, and now remission. You see I've heard the remission news before, only for my kid brother to die 3 months later. The letter was written like a a good bye, or a just in case. I live many miles away bitching and complaining about a shithead husband who yells at me daily, and used to beat me before he knew I could use the law to destroy his career, and take away what he owns, so instead he yells, and belittles me, and treats me like crap, and I tell everyone who will listen. But my sister suffered alone in silence, going on with her life, surfing, teaching, meditating, mothering, and teaching as though nothing were wrong. Why????? I don't understand. How could she be so giving of herself, and be suffering alone? My mom knew all along, no wonder she could care less about my idiotic problems. My sister suffered alone. And then sent us all this letter. What do I do now?

Im no Sherlock Holmes

I've been watching BBC's "Sherlock Holmes". I admire his intelligence, and finesse. Aside from the fact that Sherlock Holmes by Sir Conan Doyle was a far more troubling and disturbed character than what has been popularized. He did opium, I believe turn of the century version of crack and heroine rolled into one. He was rude, distrustful, and had a grave disdain for human life. I am no Sherlock Holmes. I lack all the things that make him quick witted, process information quickly, and read through people and their bullshit. I have not been able to accomplish that. Instead I suffer daily indignities. Jabs at my intelligence at the expense of many.  Excursating bouts of anxiety. My hair will be completely white from stress before I turn 40. God I need you. Guide my life. Please.

Glutton for abuse?

I woke up this morning looking a prayer to help cope with the pain and struggle I go thru everyday.  I try my best to do the right thing by my kids, and it always back fires on me. I am treated like shit everyday. I have people that are rude and inconsiderate to my kids and I when we're out shopping or other places. Please keep in mind my children are not the best behaved children in the world. Either one or both kids are acting up, yelling, being loud, crying, or fighting. It is quite a challenge trying to control them in public. To make matters worse, I have not mastered the art of keeping them distracted while I shop. They can't help me pick out items because they can't read the grocery list. They can't read the labels on the shelves, and have broken items in the past. Not only are my kids often obnoxious in public, while driving, and at home, but they lack my full attention as I grapple with my emotional and mental state of mind that is often caused by their abusive father. If he's not yelling at me, calling me names in public, and treating me like i am lower than the maggots that eat through decayed flesh or pooh, he's ignoring me, or pretending I do not exist. I am tired of being treated badly. Yesterday, I had a meeting with the school's principal who also is an extremely condescending bitch. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance and help, but nothing changes. I have been working out for 3 weeks straight, and I'm not sure if I've lost any weight. My life is so miserable. I want to run away. But I have no place to go. I don't want to leave my kids here to suffer with their father. God I need a miracle.

Zumba!!!!!

I love Zumba!!!! My sorrows and woes disappear when shaking my Bon bons in Zumba class!!!!

I miss being loved

As I finish the school year calendar, penciling in half days, off days, doctors appointments and so forth I to my planner at 4AM I realize how lonely I am. I am so so lonely. I spend a lot of time with my kids, but no friends, no companionship, no love, no affection. I fantasize daily about the perfect man that would sweep me off my feet, and the perfect emotional bond we'd have, but reality sets in, and I'm laying in bed alone, wishing I had someone to hold me, and make me feel loved. I have not felt loved, I mean genuinely loved in over 10 years. I knew my first husband loved me, but we were young, & clueless. Besides, he was a cheater but he sure is hell tried to make amends for the hurt he caused. This one? I'm so confused. I hope God forgives me for the sin of lust while married. I've never acted on my need to be loved. It's not physical. It's an emotional need. Luckily, the only men that approach me are weirdos. Either they are married and ready to cheat. Or they are very awkward. Or just creepy. I want love. Nurturing, care and kindness. Love is so beautiful when done right. We're just 2 people living in the same house who don't like nor respect each other. I wish God would help me to love myself more so I can be more loving toward my children. I need love.

On the prawl... I'm too old to be looking

So, I was at the gym today. I came to the sad realization that I am in my mid 30's, and not getting younger. As I watched younger patrons strutting and show casing their tight physique, I looked my graying hair that I refuse to dye, and said "I'm not the hottest nor youngest anymore". As I worked harder on the eliptical machine, I found myself staring at some of the most enticing men. Each time one looked my way, I'd frown and give "the hell you lookin' at?" Face. Deep down wishing to be younger and prettier. I'd always been comfortable with my own skin. I knew I had gaps but still a cute smile. I knew I sometimes got acne, but looked smashing with make up on. I shaved off my hair cause frankly, I figured my face was pretty enough to pull it off, and if not one like it... Well screw them. I prided myself on being a unique beauty. I prided myself on not looking, nor acting like anyone else. But today, I felt age. I'm not speaking of aches and pains. I mean the age insecurity. As I stared at this adorable Asian guy with the nicest shaped ass I'd ever seen on a guy, and the huge hunky blonde twins at the weights. I was actually glad I was invisible. No one gave me a 2nd look nor was I remotely an afterthought. No one even acknowledged my presence. I was sad, but relieved at the same time. But, am I old enough to be a prawling cougar? Im not really hunting, just staring. Ugh, age,

Guilt? Hush Money? Lottery winnings? Apology gift?

Ok so, the douche bag ( better known as my husband) up and writes me 2 checks today. The first one to buy supplies for the kids for school, which I was surprised by that. By the way, I know the bastard is using the checks as a form of establishing he gives me money, in case we go to court. Considering this cheap SOB hasnt been giving me money over the years. im glad to see some. Still doesnt change the fact thst hes a douche. Cuz I think he knows I am serious about leaving his ass this time. Anyway, when I get back from a nightmarish school shopping excursion. He proceeds to announce he's going to a party with his friend, and he's writing me a check to buy an outfit for the party next month. Hell, I'd rather use the money to buy a new vaccumm and get the carpet cleaned. Either way, why in the hell would I go to a party of his friend that knows our marriage is dysfunctional and falling apart? I mean is he freaking kidding? Wait, then he says he wants to go to dinner tomorrow night. Now I'm confused. Didn't he just call me a financial parasite and a leech last week? Am I not the baine of his existence? So, why the 360? Omg! Did he win the lottery? Are we getting the divorce and this is go away money? I just don't get it. Not only is he shady, I told y'all he's bipolar. I swear there is something wrong with him. He needs Jesus. Crazy ass!!!!

Craving something else

Truth is I never really wanted to marry someone like him. I'm not physically attracted to him. I never thought he was all that interesting or bright. Seriously, I'm not really sure how he got his medical degree cause  he never seemed that bright, nor worldly.  He prided himself on the etiquette he was taught at his all boys school in his rural home town. And the results are, he farts all day long, chews with his mouth open, smells awful, has bad breath, yellow teeth, and an awkward sense of humor. Why'd I marry him? At first he seemed sweet and harmless. Sort of like a confused puppy. By the time I knew his true personality and that he'd lied about everything about himself, like wanting to become a deacon in church.... Bulls** ...a deacon in the strip club or that pays for sex? ( he truly is vile) I was preggers, and stuck. I fantasize all the time about the kind of man I really want. A truly religious & spiritual man, with a genuinely good and kind heart. A man that is funny, can communicate. A man that is honest and loyal, and doesnt have any attachment issues to siblings or parents. A man thats accomplished but extremely humble. A man that is generous but not obnoxious about it. A man I don't need to have alcohol to get intimate with. A man that turns me on just by his presence and conversation. Rather than repulsing me like my spouse now. It's odd I tend not to look at people when I'm out so I don't make eye contact. But, I've seen a few men that I find very attractive. I'd never pursue anything, cuz a. I'm out of shape and not much to look at these days. B. unlike the philandering rotten bastard that goes to strip clubs and comes home at 11 at night, I have vows and will uphold them, till a judge sets me free of this miserable enslavement of a marriage. But, mmmmmm I crave a sexy asian. Or even a mix of racial blends. Anyway, fantasy over.

One more thing. When will I feel love again? Will true love ever find me? Does love even exist? I don't think African  men know how to love.  Look at the blade runner. Think of most African men you've known or met, mmmhhhmmm no love there. They are selfish pigs that believe love centers around them and making them feel good. Part of African culture doesn't allow, not teach the ideals, and the practice of selfless love. Hell even African American men practice the same selfishness here. Womanizing, producing multiple illegitimate children, and being irresponsible. No wonder most cultures shun away from allowing their children to date or marry someone of African (regardless of color) or African American descent. Middle Eastern men are also guilty of selfishness. Ok, I've said my peace, just wish love was out there for me.

Bipolar or just psycho?

There was another episode 3 days ago, where "the monster" after I ask him to get the kids medical insurance proceeds to tell me it's not his responsibility to get the kids insurance, and why can't I do it?  Then begins his verbal tirade on how in his words, I am a "financial parasite", "useless", "stupid", and he's not responsible for me.  There's more insulting and abusive language, but it's late and I'm too tired to type it all. Anyway, the next day wakes up, and decides he wants to take the kids and I out to buy shoes. Or course, I refuse to go. The next day he suggests we all travel and take a short cruise down to Mexico. I'm like um ok? WTF?!!! Though it would be nice to vacation with my kids. I don't feel like being cussed out, yelled at nor humiliated in public. I don't want an altercation. To ensue leaving me without an escape while on vacation. He's never sorry for being a prick. He's never remorseful. He's either bipolar, or schizo either way. I'm not being stuck in a box with that son of a bitch for any reason. I wish he could get psychiatric help. He's freaking nuts. According to the urban dictionary bipolar disorder describes a person who has frequent mood swings triggered by something minute. It has drastic impact on their lives, and on the lives of those around them. I really believe something is truly wrong with him. I can't say for certain he's bipolar but something is wrong.

Non profits are a crock!!!

Yes, you read correctly non-profits are a crock. I called legal aide cause I need a lawyer so I can leave this monster once and for all, and they turned me down again cause my case seems too complex. WTF, does that mean? They don't want to help me cause its just to hard to get involved in helping a woman escape a nightmare marriage, but it's far easier to attempt to save a convict on death row of their innocence? I mean WTF???????? So, I'd have a better chance of getting a lawyer to represent me for free had I been convicted of killing someone? But no if I'm trying to save myself and my kids?  What kind of screwed up world do we live in? Wait it gets worse, so after being turned down for legal aide, then I seek counseling to help me cope with what I'm enduring, and the counselor never seems to be in her office. She won't return my calls, and never seems to be available. And this is another non- profit . So, how do I escape with my kids, and get somewhere safe, with no plan? Non profits have left me to simply die here.

After feeling sorry for myself for several hours. I knelt down to pray. I prayed for God to help take control, and have order in my life. I prayed for the grace to let God lead. There are certain aspects of our lives we control, and some that are out of our hands. I ask for divine intervention for both.
My life is not ideal. My marriage is a failure. My children are smart and beautiful, and deserved to be loved and filled with happiness. I need to begin the process of change. Change is coming. I will succeed in the end.

I couldn't hear the sermon

Ok, I know this is my forum to publicly vent anonymously. Sad, but I try to keep my sanity by venting my real feelings here. Perhaps one day should anything happen to me, someone will discover this and understand my sad story. Ok. On to the point. My last post was filled with profanity and frustration. I know it's Sunday, and yes I went to mass early this morning, but I actually couldn't hear the sermon. Is that an excuse? No, but I didn't hear message God needed me to learn. I couldn't grasp the scripture verse that was meant to set my life straight. Instead my mind was filled with angry retorts for my spouse should he come at me again. Don't you hate those moments, when someone says something smart, but backhanded? And you wish you would have had a great come back? Well, that's what I spent my time in mass doing thinking of all the great comebacks I wish I'd said. I did pray, and cried, and prayed. It's embarrassing to cry in a Catholic Church. Not in an evangelical church but a Catholic Church people look at you like you're schizo. I should have heard the sermon. Oy evay.

When does the cycle end?

I go through it everyday. Every morning he starts with a rhetorical question that I obviously have no answer to, or could never answer correctly. Which then triggers a war of words. Which by way his favorite for me is "STUPID". Yes folks the name my husband calls me to my face is stupid. You are stupid. If you weren't so stupid, if only you had sense. Sadly, it's rubbed off on me and trickled down to my kids who don't always make the brightest choices. Is that my excuse? No. Here's the thing. The kids are a pawn in the cycle. When serving them, I have no say so in instructing them whatsoever. Should I give instruction it's rebutted with another rhetorical question, statement to them allowing them to refuse to comply with my request, or blatant just calling me "stupid". And this is everyday. Breakfast time, dinner time, bedtime. The same cycle. It's worse when the children are ill. Then his highness assumes all medical titles known to man. Physician, Specialist, Pharmacist, Pysciatrist, Nutritionist, herbalist, and most importantly Doctoral Dictator for all known ailments. It is exhausting. Last night we fought about whether or not our child should go play while ill with a virus. All while doing a tug of war with said child. It is a daily occurrence to which his highness proclaimed me "a parasite sucking the financial wealth from his children". I believe that term was coined by his evil sister. But seriously when does the cycle end? Is he tired of Effin with me every cursed day??? Give it a bloody rest. How much of an asshole can you be? Yes, I name call very well behind his back.

Courage to rock it out!

So, yesterday I wore something outside my comfort zone. Still covered up, but an attention getter non the less. I had standing out, which sadly with my looks I stick out like a sore thumb. But I don't want to look like everybody else. When I was younger, thinner, single, and far more confident I used to tell people my looks were an acquired taste. Like escargot (snails), or gator, chocolate covered bugs, dark chocolate, my looks are not nauseating, but I can hold my own in a bar or nightclub. At least back in the day. So I went online to search sites, and the same theme reoccurred. Women consumed with hair, clothes, and make up tutorials for losers like myself to over indulge in consumer products for skin, beauty, clothing, accessories and more. Most of the women are young, pretty, and slim. Encouraging us plain janes or awkward janes to buy buy buy! Ugh! I don't have $300 to buy 50 brushes to paint my face. I don't have $600 to buy 20 different primer, concealer, foundation, contour, etc to look like myself. I sure is hell don't have $100 for lip primer, lip liner, lipstick, lip gloss, lip balm. But, I'll say these women are brave. Despite the potential for criticism, humiliation, and more they put themselves out there. I wish I were Brasen enough to rock it out, and announce to the world here I am and I'm happy to be here, unlike me.