Craving something else

Truth is I never really wanted to marry someone like him. I'm not physically attracted to him. I never thought he was all that interesting or bright. Seriously, I'm not really sure how he got his medical degree cause  he never seemed that bright, nor worldly.  He prided himself on the etiquette he was taught at his all boys school in his rural home town. And the results are, he farts all day long, chews with his mouth open, smells awful, has bad breath, yellow teeth, and an awkward sense of humor. Why'd I marry him? At first he seemed sweet and harmless. Sort of like a confused puppy. By the time I knew his true personality and that he'd lied about everything about himself, like wanting to become a deacon in church.... Bulls** ...a deacon in the strip club or that pays for sex? ( he truly is vile) I was preggers, and stuck. I fantasize all the time about the kind of man I really want. A truly religious & spiritual man, with a genuinely good and kind heart. A man that is funny, can communicate. A man that is honest and loyal, and doesnt have any attachment issues to siblings or parents. A man thats accomplished but extremely humble. A man that is generous but not obnoxious about it. A man I don't need to have alcohol to get intimate with. A man that turns me on just by his presence and conversation. Rather than repulsing me like my spouse now. It's odd I tend not to look at people when I'm out so I don't make eye contact. But, I've seen a few men that I find very attractive. I'd never pursue anything, cuz a. I'm out of shape and not much to look at these days. B. unlike the philandering rotten bastard that goes to strip clubs and comes home at 11 at night, I have vows and will uphold them, till a judge sets me free of this miserable enslavement of a marriage. But, mmmmmm I crave a sexy asian. Or even a mix of racial blends. Anyway, fantasy over.

One more thing. When will I feel love again? Will true love ever find me? Does love even exist? I don't think African  men know how to love.  Look at the blade runner. Think of most African men you've known or met, mmmhhhmmm no love there. They are selfish pigs that believe love centers around them and making them feel good. Part of African culture doesn't allow, not teach the ideals, and the practice of selfless love. Hell even African American men practice the same selfishness here. Womanizing, producing multiple illegitimate children, and being irresponsible. No wonder most cultures shun away from allowing their children to date or marry someone of African (regardless of color) or African American descent. Middle Eastern men are also guilty of selfishness. Ok, I've said my peace, just wish love was out there for me.