What a vile and disgusting person.

This bastard has been farting and belching all day. The house stinks, and when I attempt to crack a window, he yells. What a disgusting vile person. I wonder if his mistress smells, and sees this side of him, because there can't be a woman alive that would smell him, and look at him and not be repulsed by him. He's just so gross.

Does being attractive determine how we're treated?

I'm at the gym today. I go to Zumba as usual. The instructor rarely comes anywhere near me. He rarely ever says hello. I usually give a smile as a greeting, and though my teeth are spaced and crooked, I do my best to show a friendly side. But still nothing. I hate wearing make up because out here people react to me with stares and snickers and I'm always confused by this because I assume I look halfway decent, but people's reaction would make me think otherwise. The son of a bitch I'm married to either comes home late every week night, and parties with his friends on the weekend while I'm stuck with the kids for 16 hours. Can you imagine trying to keep 2 young kids busy for 16 hours without TV? How much can they play? Color?, nap? It's maddening. But I'm often grateful not to have to face the cruel world that laughs at me, or whispers behind their hands, or pretend not to giggle when I walk in the room. How ugly am I? It's weird. I think I am far prettier than the way the world sees me. I overcompensate with the kindness and humility, only to be treated worse. My kids are no help, I try to avoid attention, but my kids make a scene almost everywhere we go. It's become second nature. So, I've decided to stop going places with them. They've simply become a nuisance, crying, throwing tantrums, misbehaving, throwing things in stores, breaking things, knocking stuff over, falling down, , or injuring themselves. I am just tired of it. I love them dearly, but damn it I need a damn break. I work out to relieve stress and they go to the children's play room at the gym, and rather than run around and release their energy as their supposed to, they actually sit, color, watch TV. This confuses the hell out me because they run a damn muck once we go anywhere else. The point is I'm tired of being treated badly. I can't be quasi moto. So why the fuck am I treated so damn bad?

Paranoia this is real!

So, I'm out and about yesterday looking for winter clothing for my kids. I noticed a car follow me onto the freeway. I turn left they turn left. I turn right, they turn right. I exit, they exit. So I try to lose them making random turns etc, and suddenly they realize what I'm doing and take off. I go to Burlington coat factory, a lady walks in the same time I do. I start to leave and there she is leaving without buying anything. I is my car, & the lady sits in her car pretending to do make up. My husband can tell me about conversations I've had when he's not at home. I know I'm being recorded. There are things missing and showing up in awkward places. Will calling the cops help?

What you don't know can hurt you.

This morning I overhear the bastard whispering on the phone to his sibling about something. Of course I also hear him whisper he's going to try to bring the kids over. This of course is after leaving the house at 10PM without a word and returning home at 2AM. What am I doing here? What is the point in my living here if we don't communicate at all? To make matters worse I get this stupid email from my child's school asking about an inhaler, but in reality I wasn't informed of anything. Do you know what it's like to be left in the dark about everything. I tell him everything but he shares nothing. Why am I even here?

Ugly on the outside & inside

How painful is it when you know everyone thinks you're ugly? When you make an effort not to be as hideous, that mask seems to scare people more. So then what? How do you face the world when they think you are ugly but u find yourself to be not so bad. I'm polite, considerate, and it does nothing. Ugly people get treated really badly. I'm treated poorly no matter what, frankly I'm tired of it.

The ups and downs

Every marriage has its ups and downs, but what happens when the marriage is in a perpetual state of conflict? What happens when things are always bad? Then what? Do you throw in the towel and give up on everything? Do you give up on everyone? How do you avoid the perpetual turbulence when it is created and maintained by one person that you can't separate from? Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that is associated with that person? Including kids? How does one build an environment that festers habitual hatred rather than compassion? I've been living with these questions for a very long time. Repeatedly asking myself, is it me? What do I do? Why can't I make any headway? I can't get a handle of what it is. But I know at some point it must come to an end. Because whatever festers under, will bubble over into something more powerful than imaginable. God puts people in our lives for a reason. He gives us free will to move forward, move on, or turn back. I must do something to improve the state of my being. Find happiness. How? And Where? Sigh!