A prayer for my children

Today, I spent time with my kids. It was a long day. We school shopped, and stopped for snacks. Not until I got home did it occur to me, that my life was going to change. I was going to be less accessible to my kids. When I thought of my first day returning to work.  I was stricken with the fear of being away from the naughty little children that caused my blood to boil, my voice to shriek, my hands to tremble, and heart to pound faster for their safety. I worry every minute, and though they irritate the hell out me, I love my little nuggets. With the beautiful eyes, and amazing smiles. Their mischief seems minute compared to enormous guilt I'll feel from leaving them. I love my kids. I truly love my naughty, mischievous, smart as hell kids.

Mad at the world...Screw Marriage it's stupid.

Why is my life so damn screwed up? Why? Why can't my life be uncomplicated, happy and productive. I am unhappily, no miserable in this Godforsaken marriage. My kids get on my last nerve.  Their medical providers are a bunch of assholes, my new job is run by incompetent idiots. I am flat broke, and miserable. My husband is a selfish lying, cheating scumbag, that I truly wish would put me out of my misery. I am so damn fed up with all this freaking sadness. For those contemplating marriage... Don't fucking do it. It's a fucking waste of time. It's slavery and bondage at its worst. It is institutionalized torture. I have no idea why the gays are fighting to legally make themselves as miserable as the straights. You're fighting to be stuck with some asshole that will change within months if not minutes of saying I do. And someone tell me why on earth are kids so GD annoying? I can not, piss, eat, shower, nor use the damn phone without whining, screaming, and fighting going on, or constant complaining. Omg what the fuck did I get myself into with this marriage bullsh**????  after the excitement of the engagement, the pomp and circumstance, the theatrics!!!! It's over!!!! Everything is downhill from there. Look at poor Sheri Shepherd 2X she got screwed. Ellen Degeneras marriage is in the damn bottle. JayZ and Beyoncé are on their last leg. I mean wTF is the point? As for me.... I live with regrets every damn day. I feel so bad for my kids that I married their douchebag father, and had them. One day, I will apologize for the mistakes I made. But for now, to the world, and my husband, and the kids hospital, and everyone that makes my life awful... FUCK YOU!!!!!

There's more to life than marriage

Today, I came to another revelation that there's more to life than my miserable marriage. There's more to life than constantly feeling sorry for myself. There's more to life than realizing a man doesn't love you. That man can move forward and not blink an eyelash, where as we remained trapped in a cosmic hell. A hell that centers on the loss of love, respect or communication. I don't want to be held hostage by it anymore. God's been good to me even when I gave up on myself. My marriage is a failure, but I'm not.

I saw the evidence he cheated

I found condoms and lube inhis car. I was shocked. I was hurt (at first). I cried the first day. But aftera couple of hours I was done. I had suspected for years. I'd find  condoms hidden around the house and I'd make excuses that we used condoms in the past as a form of birth control, so I'd count condoms to see how many came up missing. But then I thought about all the beautiful women that had been cheated on. Halley Berry, Hillary Clinton, Maria Schwieiver, Vanessa Bryant (Kobe's wife), Evelyn Lozada ( I don't think she's pretty, but her marriage was a train wreck). The point is I'm 30lbs over weight. I'm miserable, hate sex with him ( omg he's awful in bed, on top of him being ugly as hell). I know I look like honey booboo's mother with a neck, but damn it I have a choice. I got over it after 2 days of sulking. I didn't confront him about it. What would be the point? He'd either deny it, confess, become belligerent, become abusive, become violent for looking through his car, but would not end it simply because I knew. So, every night I watch him leave to wander off to his mistresses houses. Listen while he chats to his ex-girlfriend. Watch him as he checks my call log on the home phone. Go without a penny for months, unable to repair my car. And I wonder when God will punish him for the hurt and pain he's inflicted? But then I think, why women as great as my mom are going blind, suffer to work, and do so much for an ungrateful family, and live a very lonely existence. Either way, wicked men have had women suffer for years. So, I called my sister(the yutz that introduced me to this douchebag in the first place). She gave me awful advice. I called a chick I thought was a friend but simply told me God will help him. Then my practical friend that essentially said: C'mon! Cry? For what? Has he treated you like he gives a damn about you? Has he ever shown you an ounce of respect? So why does him cheating come as a surprise to add to the mountain of abusive, condescending, and cruel things he's done to you. So, don't even bother shedding another tear for a cruel son of a bitch! Anyway, ladies abuse and cruelty, affairs go hand in hand.  Get a divorce.

Talk to God in my head

Mid night, another potty run for the kids, another lonely bed, another day to wish I could find a home of my own and get away from it all. Midnight and I am exhausted and anxious yet I know I will be treated poorly everyday until I leave. His brother in law told me I have no goals. Lol!!! I've waited patiently for nearly 10 years to achieve my goal. Happy birthday to me? Fuck this.

I'm failing at life...

I woke up this morning in tears, hurt, frustrated, angry, and literally fed up. This was the worst Easter Season I'd ever experienced. I didn't follow through on what I'd decided to give up. My 3 year old has now become the baine of my existence. My marriage is a complete disaster, and I am begging God to help me find a way out of it without losing my sanity because my esteem, dignity, and any self worth has been shot to hell. I am miserable. Who invented this stupid institution? Why make someone miserable forever? I despise my spouse and nearly everyone around me. I hate myself for allowing this to be my current standard of life. TE I hate you!!!! I hate you!!!!!!

HE doesn't love me, he doesn't even like me...I need love

I know it may seem beyond obvious that my husband doesn't like me, he surely doesn't love me, so then what? I'm lonely. I feel depressed. I can't bring myself to try anymore. The other day, I realized that I was tired of being yell at or ignored. I ask the simplest of questions and I get no response. My kids know he doesn't respect me, and I know they barely do as well. I've reached the point of "why bother"?. So, when he says he won't give me money, I don't argue, I beg my aging parents to loan me money. When he won't buy groceries, I find some alternative in the freezer. I give up. When he won't answer your phone calls, you stop calling. When he yells at you for bothering him about kids medical bills, you let the bills go into default, and say nothing about it. So, how do I find love again? How do I get back into the swing of finding someone else and moving on? This marriage is over.

Lent Begins Today: what will you give up?

Today is Ash Wednesday. I went to mass with my kids. I decided I was going to give up the things that broke all the virtues. Candy, because I'm greedy and I eat large amounts of it in one sitting. Alcohol, I have become accustomed to using it as a vice to be intimate with my spouse. Because, I am so repulsed by him, that him touching me or the thought of it is so nauseating I literally drink to numb myself, or cover my face with a pillow to avoid looking directly at him. Being frustrated with my children.  My kids are true blessing but are also a handful. I find myself yelling, and carrying on all day long to try to keep them in line. I have no real support from their father who contradicts every word I say, and refuses to participate in any aspect of their development. So, I spent nearly every waking moment with them, or doing something for them. So, today I decided to find another approach to deal with my problems. Not with food. Not with alcohol, not with anger. I'm having a hard time finding work, and with children that health issues. I am increasingly concerned it's taking a toll on me. So, for lent I'm not just giving up the negatives, but embracing something positive. I pray I make it through this season, and find a positive outlet. Wishing everyone a good Lenten season.

Gospel music chased the devil away

I have been living in denial for 6 miserable years. Things aren't going to change for the better unless I leave. My kids are getting worse. I play gospel music most mornings as a motivation for me and my kids. But the other day, my husband better known to heathens as Satan ran out of the room when I began playing it. Hmm, interesting.  Perhaps he really is the devil.

When hatred and loathing makes you physically ill

Yesterday, after a long day at the barbershop and hair salon for the kids to get ready to return to school. I was relieved when my husband wasn't at home. He didn't get back till 11:00PM most nights this week he'd be home before we returned to criticize me for having the kids out during spring break. But I realized that I truly loath him. He makes me utterly and physically ill. The fact that my kids have found a way to manipulate the situation, caused me to become nauseous, head aches, and anxious scared me. I don't want to be married to this pig anymore.

The New Year, bad holiday season and no work.

I can't believe I don't have a job yet. Like seriously I haven't worked in years. Though it maybe some people's dream come true... It's been a bloody nightmare. Always broke, always unhappy, always asking the inconsiderate a-hole for every penny. It's maddening. My kids???? I'm overwhelmed. How 2 children be so damn annoying? I did not think it was possible to be completely irritated and annoyed by your own kids. But I truthfully have reached a point where I dislike everyone in my household. Including myself. Sleeping in separate rooms, chasing and threatening kids with time out or spankings, or whatever to get them to behave but I get no support, instead their father undermines every effort I make and blames me for all their actions. It's 11:30 PM, and the toddler went to the media room to join the foul stench and vile creature that is his father who will not make him sleep, and I have chased, and yelled, and threatened. And I am fucking tired of it. I live a shithole surrounded by people I don't want to be around while I'm treated like the damn help, and I don't see why I am here? Is this year going to be any better or worse? When do I finally get a break from this bloody nightmare, and move on? How horrible would I be if I ran away and left the kids behind? I know my daughter would then become the most of the abuse, and insults, and I'll treatment from both her father and brother. She's truly weak minded, and fragile emotionally, truthfully, I think she's mentally ill already. I see signs of things already that seriously worry me. She seeks attention at all costs. It is frightening, maddening, and annoying all at the same time. I pray that no weirdo gets their hands on her, because she is a very gullible. God please help me this year.

Discipline a child with love

Today I woke up and told myself that I was going to make my children's day meaningful & productive. I prayed for God to give me patience and strength in dealing with them especially when their father is at home. Time and time again we argue and fight over how to discipline our children and their medical care. I do not have the financial means to do for myself, and I am having a hard time getting a job so, i have no say so in what I can provide to help improve the quality of their life, but I'm stuck. Anyway, I have 2 strong willed children who do not listen, won't follow directions unless threatened with disciplinary action such as time out, toys or TV time taken away, etc. But, I find myself yelling all the time, stop that, put that down, finish your food, finish your work, stop writing on the furniture, stop fight, stop yelling, be quiet. I swear I sound like a psychotic broken record repeating the same phrases daily. I'm stuck with them daily, and am miserable that I don't get breaks  like a job to keep me busy and distracted from my  turbulant home life. To make matters worse, I'm afraid seeking counseling for the kids and I would make matters worse.