The New Year, bad holiday season and no work.

I can't believe I don't have a job yet. Like seriously I haven't worked in years. Though it maybe some people's dream come true... It's been a bloody nightmare. Always broke, always unhappy, always asking the inconsiderate a-hole for every penny. It's maddening. My kids???? I'm overwhelmed. How 2 children be so damn annoying? I did not think it was possible to be completely irritated and annoyed by your own kids. But I truthfully have reached a point where I dislike everyone in my household. Including myself. Sleeping in separate rooms, chasing and threatening kids with time out or spankings, or whatever to get them to behave but I get no support, instead their father undermines every effort I make and blames me for all their actions. It's 11:30 PM, and the toddler went to the media room to join the foul stench and vile creature that is his father who will not make him sleep, and I have chased, and yelled, and threatened. And I am fucking tired of it. I live a shithole surrounded by people I don't want to be around while I'm treated like the damn help, and I don't see why I am here? Is this year going to be any better or worse? When do I finally get a break from this bloody nightmare, and move on? How horrible would I be if I ran away and left the kids behind? I know my daughter would then become the most of the abuse, and insults, and I'll treatment from both her father and brother. She's truly weak minded, and fragile emotionally, truthfully, I think she's mentally ill already. I see signs of things already that seriously worry me. She seeks attention at all costs. It is frightening, maddening, and annoying all at the same time. I pray that no weirdo gets their hands on her, because she is a very gullible. God please help me this year.

Discipline a child with love

Today I woke up and told myself that I was going to make my children's day meaningful & productive. I prayed for God to give me patience and strength in dealing with them especially when their father is at home. Time and time again we argue and fight over how to discipline our children and their medical care. I do not have the financial means to do for myself, and I am having a hard time getting a job so, i have no say so in what I can provide to help improve the quality of their life, but I'm stuck. Anyway, I have 2 strong willed children who do not listen, won't follow directions unless threatened with disciplinary action such as time out, toys or TV time taken away, etc. But, I find myself yelling all the time, stop that, put that down, finish your food, finish your work, stop writing on the furniture, stop fight, stop yelling, be quiet. I swear I sound like a psychotic broken record repeating the same phrases daily. I'm stuck with them daily, and am miserable that I don't get breaks  like a job to keep me busy and distracted from my  turbulant home life. To make matters worse, I'm afraid seeking counseling for the kids and I would make matters worse.